Lau Niang

Kisah Misteri Kasut Terbang

2010-09-13T23:56:00.002+08:00

Such a malufying day at gym today.

So i was doing my regular combat class. Lots of punching. And even more kicking. And when i kick, i kick ass. I was so in the zone okeh...so there's this track that requires me to do high high kicks ala Chun Li. Main kaki naik langit one. So i ma tendang all out lor.

Suddenly i saw 1 shoe flying in mid air.

"Eh...whose shoe is that...look so familar one...yellow colour some more....like mine only i see..."

"Fark.....why is my right leg barefooted!!"

MAK MALUU!!!!

I was standing smack in the centre of the class and there goes my striking yellow shoe flying in mid air in the middle of a class. And what's worse...my shoe landed on the girl in front of me. Landed on her shoulder and 2 inch away from her head. Walaupun i kena jelingan garang, I quickly apologized profusely and slipped on the shoe, pretend nothing happened and continued kicking. Clenching my toes inside my shoe now in fear of it flying for the second time......

Note to self: STICH the shoe lace to ankles so that it wont fly anywhere during combat class.

Keysah if Lau Niang is Money Boy

2010-08-07T18:03:00.004+08:00

It feels so weird to be looking back at this all-too-familiar blog window.

So much has happened since the last i blogged. Good and bad things. But close friends of mine never stopped encouraging me to start blogging again. It sure feels nice to be remembered and appreciated that way....so here i am...returning their kind gestures.

So just recently, i was having this very interesting discussion with a fellow friend who now thinks he's a blogger. Larriikkk! Back to this interesting conversation. We were talking about....money boys. Not bitching about anyone in particular, but just discussing the issues in general.

And that got me thinking. What does it feels like to be a money boy?? Not that i'm intending to be one (lau niang is not so cheapskate hor please...i can afford my own LV. Petaling street pon Petaling Street lah, at least its my own money and i didn't kill any mak datin and run away with her LV nor do i have to give blowjobs to 80 year old uncles on their death beds okeh)

To my own understanding, a moneyboy is a person (hopefully male, and young enough) who goes after elder or more well to do men, makes them feels good and in return, spends their money to buy lavish things. And i say this with due respect. Not that i hate moneyboys. I have nothing against them. I only discriminate stupid and ugly people.

It came to my knowledge that being a money boy is anything but simple. Its really not easy to make a man WILLINGLY spend money on you. You need good enough assets to entice and attract your targetted man first i'm told. Makes sense no? So a moneyboy needs to equip himself with such qualities to name a few:

a good and attractive physique. Ko hado???

a sweet sweet mouth who knows how to make the man feels like he owns the world. Mampu? mampu??

all the patience in the world. You can never throw tantrums or upset your man under any circumstances. Rela??

If me....die lor. Who would want a moneyboy who has the same stats as Popeye's girlfriend with a molot so puaka even pontianak also run away crying and the PMS of a 40 year old virgin? Maybe they will pay me money to stay away kot.

So i know lah, i don't have what it takes to be a moneyboy. But lets just make believe a little. I always admired this skill of moneyboys. Trust me its not easy to squeeze money from men at all these days. Especially typical chinese guys. They are trained to earn all the money in the world and make it a point to stuff all their wads of cash into their own coffin when they die. No one gets a dime. Wah Loi Toi says so. So i imagined a little of what would i do and say in a given situation.

Me: Dear.....I want LV bag. Buy for me can or not?? Very cheap. 18 ribu only. I love you.

Daddy: Cannot lah....we cannot be so materialistic one...

Me: Umm.....but i wanna look good to you mah. You wanna feel proud being seen with me also right? I love you.

Daddy: No, we have to be discreet in public. Cannot be so loud lah, wait my 4 wife and 18 grandchildren find out i die lah.

Me: ~~Thats going to happen soon what.~~ Ok ok...then i hold the LV in a very manly way so that i look discreet ok? I love you.

Daddy: No lah, that's not a good idea. How can you hold a bag in a manly way. Even without a bag you're not manly already. With bag then you look more woman than my 4 wife. I love the way you are now. U look very simple and charming. I love you too.

Me: hummph....ok lor. Lets have dinner then. I feel like having Japanese. Ok for you?

Daddy: Not today darling...i feel like char kuey teow.

Me: KNNCCB chau ku niang......

See....i'm not cut out to be a moneyboy. Told you so.

Hello Roy

2010-05-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

Now you believe?

Keysah Launiang Kena Kantoi Anime Rogayah

2009-07-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

So i was having a slow and peaceful weekend. I was lying in bed with my iced coffee and the chilly air con running....with my lappie on a lil' breakfast-in-bed table doing my photo editing job.

While watching gay anime.

Its not porn okeh. Just some gay themed cartoon so its no big deal lah.

Not until mommy SUDDENLY pops in with ah niece in her arms going "Baby...see what uncle is doing....coochi coochi coo...."

~~Ya uncle is watching gay anime. Jangan kacau.~~

I went like... "Fuck fuck fuckety fuck....faster go away!!! Please don't have any love scenes!!!"

Did mommy go away??

Not only did she NOT go away...she made herself comfortable by sitting beside me. And she started feeding ah niece with a FULL bottle of milk.

You think that is the ultimate horror??

Tup tup tup.....the two MALE AND GAY cartoon characters in tv started french kissing!!!!!!

Lau Niang buat buat busy and very engrossed with my editing job konon konon like i tak perasan what just happened in tv okeh.

After like an eternity of awkward silence....akhirnya mommy mengeluarkan statement cepumas.

" You haven't been to church for a long time hor....."

Keysah Lau Niang Membuat Family Portrait

2009-07-09T16:47:00.006+08:00

Last weekend, i had the chance to do a long needed family portrait for my lil' niece. Ever since her birth a little over a month ago, ah niece has grown freakishly so much. See how much she's grown...

Ok it doesn't look that convincing in pictures. But she's huge in real. I put up this picture because its a nice shot only. Ha ha ha ha!

Anyways, it was a very casual but intimate shoot between ah niece and mommy and daddy. They were all candid shots; nothing posey (she's too young to learn posing 101. Wait 2 more years lau niang will train her to walk in 5 inch heels. And spin in them. ) I took under an hour to finish up the whole session (can't shoot too long pasal ah niece tidur mati macam balak. How you tickle her also tak bangun bangun. Gaya tidur sama macam mak. Larrriikkk!)

So here's some editorial shots of Ah Niece and mommy and daddy......

And how can i do without artsier shots. Tak sahlah macam tu kan.....

And i saved one last pic for the last. One of my favourite shots.

Really rare to get such angelic combination of serenity, innocence with an edgy angle in a single picture.

So dengan shameless nyer, sapa sapa nak buat portrait dan photoshoot yang vas vas can always e mail lau niang okeh?? ha ha ha h ha ha!

Keysah Lau Niang Membuat Extreme Makeover

2009-06-24T13:14:00.005+08:00

Perky is so gonna fry me for stealing her thunder but.....chak chak chak chak.....ada aku keyssahh???

So storynyer like this....about like a month ago....Perky berangan nak baby baru macham Angelina Jolie. After having 2 cats with eating disorder (seriously, perky's cats needs lyposuction and believe me, its not for beauty purpose...larrriiik) Perky berangan wanna have a dog this time plak.

Knowing that my dad has good contacts in dealing with canine pets, she pon assigned me to find a puppy.

One that doesn't hate her. Opps.

One that isn't taller than her. Opps.

One that won't bark at her at sight.Opps.

One that won't piss on her. Opps.

Then came the brainstorming and consultation session. Big question of what is the right breed to get with the right budget.

Finally...my dad found 4 newborn toy poodles. Lau niang ma go and check stock 1st lor. See see the dog come one like....

Toing!!! Aiyo....acelly the dog look ok one but dunno why look so huru hara in picture. I know perky would like her but.....aihhh......how to convince her with such a horrorful pic? Mata kuyu, bulu nipis, expression blank, rambut tak perm.....Look like anjing cinderella yang kotor dan busuk dipungut dari parit lor.

When Perky 1st saw the pic....terus kena label world's most unphotogenic dog. Haah...amek kau. But i keep telling her the dog looks better in real...hoping that she will buy my story.

My dad redeemed the dog about a week before perky came to collect it. And after good food and good bath and good camera, akhirnya poodle menjadi siap.

JANG!!! Muka berjaya dengan suksesnya. It was love at 1st sight when everyone saw Sasha for the 1st time. Yep that's her name. Sasha. Thankfully, poodles are very sociable by nature so there are no strangers to Sasha. She would just jump and prance around ANYBODY. Heck, even my 3 year old cousin tried to dognap her. He wrestled his own mother and cried in a failed attempt to run away with Sasha. Ha ha ha ha! Definitely Perky's kind of dog.

Here's more shots of Sasha after undergoing my Modelling 101's intensive class....

Is it just me or does Sasha reminds you of Susan Boyle??

Keysah Lau Niang Menjadi Porcupine

2009-06-22T23:57:00.002+08:00

For the past week, i have been suffering under what i call THE worst neckache i've EVER had in my life. You know those neck aches you get when you slept on the wrong position on bed then you wake up not being able to look up, left or right? Yeah...

It lasted almost a whole fucking week.

I tried twisting my neck towards the painful side with force hoping that it will 'pop' only to cause more pain.

I tried those Salonpas medicated plasters. Did not help at all.

I tried sleeping on 3 pillows. Did not sleep at all.

It wasn't until i went back to my hometown complaining to Lau lau niang...lau niang's Ah Bu lah. Its amazing how she can listen to my constant new complains every week when i go back. She immidiately took me to a chinese doctor. I was in so much pain i'd try anything. Heck i'm even willing to go to a vodoo shaman let alone a chinese doctor.

The doctor squeezed my neck a little and he immediately knew that i left the pain for a few days at least. He was so right. By the time i got there, my shoulders were already stiff from the swelling. I also had the chance to ask the doctor who or what was the culprit behind my neck ache from hell. And he said either i

a) carried heavy things and dislocated my shoulder (no way this delicate oriental flower is carrying anything heavy so...fail)

b) sit in front of the computer too long (DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)

Lau niang is guilty of ~~surfing porn~~ doing masters dissertation like orang gila over the weekends. Maklumlah ada hati nak jadi successful career woman lau niang pun type thesis non stop. Like from 8pm till 5am non stop okeh. Serious shit. I wish it was sex instead. I guess that must have been it.

It was so bad until the doctor said i needed to do accupuncture and a massage.

You know what is accupuncture???

Ok ok ok i'm being a drama queen. But its quite similiar i tell you. Seriously, i did not see an accupuncture coming at all. I was expecting some cream or pills perhaps. But accupuncture?! At 1st impression, i was kinda weirded out, scared but yet excited. It'll be like....getting a new tattoo. Heh heh.

Being the huge sick fan of pain that i am, the accupuncture was of course....very very bearable. On a scale of 1 to 10 of pain...i'd give it a 1.5. But i was poked at some of the weirdest spots. I had like over 20 needles all over my shoulder, neck and...head. I had fucking needles on my head. Its freaking weird.

Then i was left (with the needles on) to bake under a heating lamp for half an hour. Like an iguana. It was the most boring half hour of my life. I din have my phone around to play with and i was scared to sleep. What if i tidur mati, and i started tossing and turning until the needles get buried INSIDE my neck and *gasp* HEAD?? No way in gay hell i'm going to be a permanent porcupine okeh.

Finally the nurse came and remove all my needlees. I thought the worst was over.

Just after that, came along a blind massuer who started squeezing my neck. This is not those sleazy body to body kinky massage okeh. This is massage package neraka. The massuer had insanely strong hands and he was squeezing and wringling and kneading and punching my shoulders and neck in the most unimaginable ways. And i never knew such level of pain existed. At some point, i thought he tried to dismember my arms from my shoulders. With his bare hands. This is no where near the pain of accupuncture. OR tattooing. Yes its more painful that 8 hours of tattooing. I wish i was dead instead.

By the time the session ended, my entire back is so sore so much so i''m distracted by the pain on my neck. Which is still there by the way.

But at least i can turn my neck and the pain somewhat subsided many many hours later. So here i am on a monday night, still in pain, typing my blog and getting ready for work tomolo. Lets just hope i won't look like a hunchback Quasimodo tomolo....

Keysah Lau Niang Become Ibu Mithali

2009-06-09T00:58:00.006+08:00

Last weekend, lau niang got an ACTUAL TASTE of what is it like to be a parent. See my aunt ~~dumped~~ dropped my little cousins at my place over the weekend because ~~she's had it~~ they're on a their school holidays. So i have to babysit them for the day.

Being the uptight ambitious perfectionist i am, i was all hyped up to make sure they have a real fun day. I planned my itenaries in detail. Its fun packed, its energetic, its foolproof. The kids are so gonna love me after this. *Evil grin* Pick the kids up at 10am, off to the butterfly park, lunch at Mc Donalds, off to the Zoo and another park.

I was so confident.

But we all know what is akibat confident. The kids were so hyper. God knows where they get their energy from. By the end of the day i can barely walk or talk. Fell flat on the couch the minute i reach home. You'll see why.

With the assistance of my younger sis, we were all set for the day. 10 am...off to the butterfly farm.

15 minutes upon entry...

*Innocent butterfly lands on cousin's arm*

Cousin: Kor kor...i very scared. Can we go home now?

Me: What?! We only came in here for 15 minutes. Don't you like the butterfly? You told me you liked butterflies.

Cousin: No i don't like them now. Can we go home?

Me: *grumble grumble* ok...we follow this way. This is the way home. *grumble grumble*

We walked on until we had to cross is stupid cave. They cuba cuba cute try to make exciting like got cave konon konon lah.

Cousin: Kor kor i very scared. I don't want to enter.

Me: There's no butterflies in there. I promise.

Cousin: I saw something in the water.

Me: Those are tadpoles.....

Cousin: I scared of tadpoles....can you carry me?

Glares at sis..... "You settle!" *runs off....*

*
12pm....moving to cultural park.

Kids enter kampung house and starts enacting Star Wars fighting scene with empty bottles as light sabres....

Me: Oiii.....cannot fight in the house!! Come come we take pictures... (Cuba distract kids)

Me: Oii....don't play with the props! Wait uncle catch you...cannot touch..put down!!

Leaves kampung house and continue walking on. Cousin spots a giant mushroom.

Cousin: Kor kor is that mushroom real?

Me: Of course not.

Cousin: Can i eat it? I love mushroom burger.

Me: The mushroom is taller than you. The mushroom will eat you instead.

Cousin: .............( he must be thinking what kind of siau relative he has. Ada aku keysah? NAN ADO.)

1.30pm Lunch at MacDonald.

Me: Ok...what do you want to eat?

Random screams: I WANT CHICKEN! I WANT RIBENA! I WANT MAC WINGS!

Me: Here no Mac Wings lah. *grumble grumble -matilah mak bankrupt- grumble grumble*

Cousin: * Serangan muka cute* Can i have the toy?

Me: Err....we're going to the zoo after this. How can you go zoo and carry toys? Wait the monkeys snatch your toy how? We buy later ok? Eat nugget eat nugget. (Sebenarnya kedekooot)

2.30pm to the zoo...

10 minutes upon entry...

Me: Oiii....cannot throw rubbish at the animals!!

Sis: Eh don't bang the cage like that!!

Me: Stop making faces at the animal...wait they get angry and eat you up!!

Sis: Two of you stop running!! Cannot go so far...!!

I dinch notice how many people were staring at us shrieking at the kids. 30 seconds later....

Me: Oiii....i said cannot throw rubbish at the animal lor!!

Cousin: I never i never. I throw stick only.

Somebody kill me already. Pleeaaseee!!!

We walked on until the kids saw some ponies.

Cousin: *Serangan muka cute kali kedua* Can i ride the pony?

Me: Cannot.

Me: Sigh.................

Never in my whole life had i imagined i have to pay for a kid's pony ride. Not just A kid.

TWO kids. Good thing the eldest one thinks pony rides are dumb. I have never been so agreeeable before.....

As difficult as it was to keep up with them...i guess the silly grins on the kid's faces made all the money (Rm2 for a 30 second round the tiny ranch pony ride. Really bluff small kids lor!) and rides worth it. Sit horse also so happy. I really don't get it. Not say sit on Ken Watanabe or Hugh Jackman also.

The pony however, weren't too excited to have my beruk-kena-belacan cousins on his back.

*sob sob* Apalah nasib mak...terpaksa ditunggang oleh budak setans. Dahlah upah ciput Rm2 pun kena rampas dengan abang horse....*sob sob*

Then we saw deers. Ever noticed how ugly deers are??

They look like anorexic cows. No offense to all Bambi fans out there.

15 minutes later....

Cousin: *Serangan muka cute kali ke3* Kor kor i'm tired. Can i have a piggy back ride?

Me: Oh no you don't. You're not coming anywhere near my camera kid...

Glares at sis.. "You settle!" Runs off to pretend snapping pictures of rocks.

Sis: *Grumble grumble* I'm so going to tell mom to disown you after this *Grumble grumble*

Then ~~they~~ we piggy backed the kids to the bird...area. Department. Whatever.

Me: Please tell me those gates have locks. Can we just lock them with the storks and drive off?

Sis: You wish..!

After over 2 hours of rounding in the zoo, we finally came reach the exit. Unfortunately, cousins spotted a playground. Arrrrghhhhh!!!

Sis: Ok....we're leaving in 10 minutes time.

Cousin: No no no.....1 hour more.

I can drop dead in the middle of the playground already okeh. By the end of the day both me and my sis were too tired to even complain or talk to each other.

So any readers out there who wishes to raise kids.....think THRICE. This WILL be your routine weekend.

Paying for pony rides.

Screaming at kids in public.

Buying lunch enough for 3 starving families in Ethiopia only to have kids eat half of the portion.

Piggy back rides thak kills your shoulders.

Screaming and jumping in the car.

Sitting lifelessly at playgrounds while waiting for kids to be done.

SO....who's up for a fun fun fun day with the kids? HMMM????

PS: My little niece just cried coz she got frightened by her own fart. How cute.

Keysah Lau Niang kini bergelar Lau Aunty

2009-05-26T22:59:00.005+08:00

Last weekend was a super drama weekend. 25th may marked the arrival of lau niang's very 1st niece lei....! Lau niang become lau aunty jor! My new niece came a week earlier than expected thus causing a little panic in the family...everyone wasn't expecting the baby until the following week mah. But here she is...a week earlier.

This is a shot of her right after labour. As you can see, she is disturbingly fat but healthy. Not even at 9 full months, baby is oledi 3.5 kilo yer. About the size of Pamela Anderson's right boob i think. The poor girl is wet, naked and exposed to the FREEZING temperature of the OR. Seriously i didn't know an OR is THAT cold. You can freeze meat inside lor. Tapi ada aku keysah? Cold or not tetap i stop the doctor so that lau niang can photoshoot ah niece 1st okeh. 1st meet is very signigicant must take picture one okeh!

Right after ah niece got cleaned up, she fell fast asleep. Thankfully she's quite a peaceful baby. She's never cried in front of lau niang before. Smart of her....mak dah siap bawak rotan to hospital in case she cry for no reason, lau niang will rembat okeh...but she's rather mischevious. See she sleep also nak main bubble. Hish!

On the next day, ah niece started feeding oledi. My sis tried feeding her nen nen but gagal dengan dahsyat. Not because my sister got no nen nen but Ah niece still dunno what is nen nen and why does it keep rubbing against her tiny face. So the nurse fed her instead. Using bottle not her own nen nen i hope. Very disturbing thought. I dunno why is Ah Niece is frowning after feeding here. I think maybe the nurse fed her Susu Pisang HL. Remember the horror??

Anyways, we are all very happy and we can't wait to bring Ah Niece back home. So much to be done. Must teach her how to catwalk in heels lah, must teach her to speak Prada lah, must teach her how to do high fashion pose lah.....wah lau niang is damn busy okeh!

Oh and about the tattoo on my tummy, thank god the mark is all gone oledi. Berkat all your laser and prayers ( sapa laser sapa doa tau tau sendiri okeh, we don't point fingers...tunggu saja tuhan menunjukkan kuasa) my mark also heal jor.

See.....my tummy back to normal original condition again. Nice nice again no more zebra jor. :D

Keysah Lau Niang Mendapat Tattoo Baru

2009-05-20T19:35:00.003+08:00

Dear Readers,

Today lau niang did a new tattoo. Sebab tak nak kalah to Dan Henry. Memang vicious hasad dengki kan.

But lau niang TERRRRbuat the tattoo. Dinch realize. Accidentally.

How did it happen????

Let's rewind the day back to a few hours earlier. 4.30 PM. T'was a bright sunny evening. Weather is marvelous for a dip in the pool. So that's what i did lor. Lau Niang terus pakai my 2 piece bikini and sasha fierced to the pool for a nice dip and tanning session.

The weather was just so so nice. I lied on my back and my right arms and legs were paddling lightly in the pool. I could feel the warm heat of the sun on my back. The heat was so pampering, subtle and not the scorching type. It was just the kind of winding off i needed badly from a long day's work. I started drifting into my own mind just being there enjoying the cooling waters and warm sunny evening and zzzzzzzzzz..................

Yes i fucking fell asleep. Beside the pool. Like a sea lion.

Tup tup tup i woke up and saw my watch its already past 6pm. I LITERALLY slept like AN HOUR AND A HALF by the pool! Without changing side! I was still in the exact same position when i woke up and guess what happen?

This picture was taken at 8pm. Over 4 hours later. And the marks are still there! What if i am permanently scarred?!? Matilah i have to die as janda nyonya tua zebra. How to kahwin Ken Watanabe like that....apom pun kena off light so sad you know. Doctor Crab also tak hadap.

Worst thing is i dunno if anyone was there while i was asleep. What would they think....what will you think in your mind if you see someone snoring by the pool? I so scared got auntie auntie passing by the pool and they start whispering about lau niang.

" Aiyer so kesian this boy....nude and homeless....have to sleep in swimming pool. Ah boy you dont go near him wait you also will become like him. You want to be homeless and sleep at swimming pools mou? If not then better study hard hard...."

Like seriously. Have you ever met a greater idiot. Only lau niang is capable of such things. Not that its something to be proud of.

Sapa nak sponsor SKII scar removal whitening cream with pitera that causes Sammi Cheng to go "Poink Poink" (on her face, not henjot atas katil, please dun be so hamsap) to lau niang?

Merk Depression......!!!!!

Keysah Lau Niang dapat manyak presents

2009-05-18T23:29:00.003+08:00

Lau Niang so so terharu today. Got my friend gimme very voge da vass present you know! Today got one of my friend gave me a bottle of perfume that i've been drooling over but can never afford to buy myself.

Its none other than:

Haaa......kelass tak. And please hor....is not sample bottle okeh. Its the 1.5 litre one hor. Ok lah maybe not 1.5L but its the biggest size okeh. I know its only a perfume. Not a big deal but this really means something to me lor.

You see, this is actually my very 1st bottle of perfume. I never use scents before all along. Hah...rahsia terbongkar. I have some personal reasons though. First off, i can never distinguish the scent of all the so many available perfumes in the market. I know there should be a difference but i just didn't bother to test test the smell.

Why i takda keysah? Pasal mak tak mampu. Very kesian case but that is the truth. 1 bottle of perfume costs hundreds and with that money i can feed 5 somalian families. Ok maybe i'm not Mother Theresa but still, i can use that amount of money for something more important or productive lor. That's what i always thought; that's why until now tak pernah pernah beli perfume.

So how did lau niang came to like armani's code black?

Let's rewind all the way back to last Valentine's Day. That day hor, a friend from singapore visited me. We went shopping and he treated me to a posh japanese dinner and even bought 4 pairs of private structures for me.

Please jangan dengki i have generous friends and you don't okeh. After we shopped for my panties, he took me to the perfume department coz he wanted to buy a perfume for his bf. Lau Niang ma follow lor. So i was just loitering about until i was suddenly drawn to the Armani counter. Bukan pasal perfume wangi. Pasal the counter got giant poster of abang topless yang sweaty. Tup tup tup the promoter gave me a strip of paper to smell. Lau niang ma smell lor.

I didn't know what brand was the scent but it really intruiged me. Smelled kinda fruity and musty....i actually liked it. I asked about the brand and found out its an Armani Code and only to discover that it costs like RM180 for the small bottle. Wah lau!

My generous friend actually wanted to buy for me already but i too segan lor...coz he alrady spent like how many hundred on dinner and my panties. So i went home full of panties but perfumeless that day. Kinda cursed myself for being so stupid to reject such an offer. But i tak sampai hati to spend my friend's money like that mah.....

And because Lau Niang is maha pengasih and penyanyang yang disayangi oleh tuhan and everyone, god also bless lau niang....chun chun this friend of mine present me the very same brand that i've been lusting over for so long.

VERY TERHARU OKEH.....!!

Is box set some more lei...inside got perfume size nala plus deodorant of the same scent. My ketiak will wangi for the next whole year. Ha ha ha ha! Oh and inside the box got free sample also. The name Gio de Acqua....very refreshing smell also....lau niang suka.

Who wanna present me Gio de Acqua??

Hint yang sangat tak malu.

Keysah Orang Hina Denial

2009-05-11T19:03:00.004+08:00

Have you ever come across individuals who just has this OBSSESSED NEED to be better and above than everyone else? Simply put, i am talking about people with "kiasu" attitude. Popularly coined by Singaporean culture, this terminology simply refers to individuals who are extremely competitive and always makes a point that if someone has something, you must have it too. A bigger and better one.

Even if it means MAKING UP STORIES.

"You got house in US i got mansion in Canada. "

"You just earned your 1st million, I'm already a MULTI millionaire. "

"You got 100 for all subject, i also got 100 AND i'm president of my club and uniform unit."

Shits like that you know? I am sure everyone must know AT LEAST 1 person of such behaviour. This is not a personal attack against anyone in particular let me make clear first. Its just that i've been bogged by so many of such similar people for the past month it actually makes me wonder.

I've come across such people at work, in my social circle of friends, and yes....even relatives. It literally saddens me to see people living in such denial.

Why try so hard to be someone you're OBVIOUSLY NOT in a pathetic desperate attempt to impress others? End up smearing shit in your own face making yourself look even more ridiculous than you already are.

Why must one INSIST to be smarter or richer or more successful then the rest? Ultimately, there'll always be someone richer or smarter out there. Kau lawan kaya with Oprah Winfrey or Bill Gates lah if you really that rich.

Can't these people just come clean and simply admit that they are just as 'regular' as the rest and not boast about your non-existent inheritence or paper qualifications? If kena kantoi you don't own any of those at the end of the day kan lebih malu? Nobody will look down on you if you are not rich or whatever lah please.

The other thing i noticed about such people is that they are VERY CLEVER in dodging and making excuses if you ask any further about their assets. Lau Niang give you one classic example okeh:

Kiasu: I got house in Gold Coast you know....

Friend: Wah so nice...when you wanna show us your place?

Kiasu: Oh cannot coz i rented the house out...got people staying there.

TYPICAL.

This is what i mean lor. They will tell you they own a whole continent or they have 20 million dollars but somehow or rather you will NEVER get a glimpse of it.

And when you finally manage to cross check and compare facts only to discover that whatever that person is boasting about is all nothing but a fat-ass hoax...senang they cover.

"Oh you must have heard wrongly.....i never said that."

Keysah Pondan Bogel di Kubur Cina

2009-04-22T21:24:00.003+08:00

Lau Niang heard a very kesian but funny story from a colleague few days ago. She is currently dating an ex policeman and this story is about the ex police man's best friend.

Apparently, that guy loves banging Mak Nyah yer. One fine night, he found himself very horny so he went to Chow Kit road to find Mak Nyah. Then get this; right in the middle of the night, he drove that Mak Nyah to a deserted chinese graveyard somewhere in the outskirts of KL and they did it there!

This is not the keji part. He made the Mak Nyah strip habis habis and he merely unzipped himself only. Never take off any piece of clothing also. Demi nak buat business, the Mak Nyah pun rela sajer. So keji kan? kan?

This is still not the keji part okeh. Ya...it gets worse. When he is finally done with the Mak Nyah, he just threw money at the Mak Nyah.....

And he drove off.

With all of the Mak Nyah's clothing as well.

Yes....the poor Mak Nyah was left stranded stark naked in a deserted chinese graveyard in the middle of the night okeh. The poor Mak Nyah have to lari bogel terkangkang kangkang chasing after the car but naturally she couldn't keep up lah. Last last really stranded bogel in the graveyard.

Question: What would you have done if you were driving pass a chinese graveyard in the middle of the night and suddenly you see a naked Mak Nyah with smeared make up and after sex hair running after your car screaming for help????

Cibai Camera Shop

2009-04-20T23:49:00.003+08:00

This is the supidest camera shop that has the nerves to run its business in the face of the earth. Where is this shop? It is currently occupying and thus polluting and smearing the name of One Utama. This foul smelling shop also houses one of the silliest and rudest staff that i've ever seen in my whole life.

Seriously, the sole reason of hiring staff in this shop is really to boil customer's blood and chase them away after that. Oh, and not to mention they are also all out to suck customer's blood after boiling them with their almighty-suka-ikut-kepala-bapak price tag.

What happened you asked? Why is lau niang so worked up you asked? Well...so happen i just dropped by this fucked up shop just to survey price on a camera that i wish to buy. The staff try to buat sial with me....sorry lah. Wrong tail to step on. Here's the more detailed account of what happened.

Me: Hi, can i just ask what is your retail price for this camera?

Cibai Staff: Oh its rm5,100

Me: Wah why so expensive?

Cibai Staff: Standard price.

Me: I did ask a few shops and i got offers as low as rm4,900.....

Cibai Staff: Then you buy from that shop lah. I never mind one.

Me: ?!?!?!???!!!!!

Cibai Staff: You don't see cheap only you buy. Maybe they selling fake models. You got read hong kong magazine not? But if you still want to buy its up to you lah....

Me: Does your shop sell fake cameras as well?

Cibai Staff: Of course not.

Me: Then i am sure other shops are practicing the same ethics and they certainly won't like being accused of selling fake models.

Before he can say anything, i marched to the supervisor of the shop and tapped his shoulder and i went...

Me: Seriously, your staff is going to cause this shop to loose A LOT of business. Good luck surviving....

And i marched out of the shop without even looking back.

Not only was the staff rude, is he actually implying that i dunno how to tell a fake camera from a real one and what else is he trying to say? Only his shop selling original cameras is it???? I only wished my camera phone can zoom in further so that i can snap a picture of that bastard staff yang mulut hangsuang puaka tu.

PTUUIII!!!

Warm and Fuzzy Dinner

2009-04-17T00:52:00.002+08:00

The past few months has been spent in solitude. Being well hidden from blogosphere, lau niang had pratically no life. Serious shit okeh.

Work has been really merciless....

My masters dissertation feels like i'm in an ultra gory Quentin Tarantino movie....

With both conditions in hand for me to juggle, i had no time for other things at all. Except for my new found love, photography. Heh hehe....i've started to pick things up quite seriously lately and i''ve accepted a few wedding jobs. Things are looking pretty exciting ahead....

So that's what i've been doing the whole time. Working. Studying. Editing pictures. All by myself.

Really saddening.

I was pretty assured that Ken Watanabe is going to ditch me for some young bimbo and i'm going to die an old maid already. Not until Joe invited me for dinner. Not just any dinner. This dinner meant something. To me at least. Joe has been a very nice friend i've known for a couple of years but due to time constraints, we hardly had the chance to meet up. But we remained in touch nevertherless.

And yesterday, Joe invited me over to his place for a dinner that he prepared himself. Now that's a first for me i gotta tell you. I've never had anyone cooked for me (except for mom and gramma) in my whole life. And what a blast i had. For a guy, the dishes he prepared was really impressive. Out friend even made terung...knowing that i love them very much. Heh heh!

T'was a very very sumptious 3 course dinner with soup even. The evening was very quiet and peaceful and we had a very good time watching animes ( My 2nd love interested now aside from photography. I on the way nak convert perky dah..claymore claymore...) after dinner. Its just the kind of break i need from all the pressure of work and studies.

Everything just seems.....nice to me. It was just small gestures but it left me feeling warm and fuzzy all night long.

Thanks for the wonderful dinner Joe.....really appreciate it. :D

Keysah Epik Chinta Di Tepi Jalan...

2009-04-09T22:46:00.004+08:00

Alkisah adanya seorang perempuan kebaya high fashion yang keayuannya teramat sangat....

"My name is Sasha Fierce! Sasha Fierce!"

Kechantiqan Sasha Fierce teramatlah sangat sehingga Mak Nyah dari Pat Pong turut memendam rasa deng deng jeles.

Akan tetapi.....tiada sesiapa pun yang tahu akan secret Sasha Fierce. Hakikatnya, Sasha Fierce sangat feeling loner beloner......

"Haih.....kenaps shuban merks tak sampai sampai lagi nih.....fenats mek duduk tepi jalan tunggu everday okeh......"

"Hamboi hamboi....jantan tuh scanning merks ker? Like...FINALLY!!"

Dengan berkat iman yang kuat dan kuasa Tuhan Ilahi...one fine day.....

"Oh tuhanku...dier masih scanning merks lagi! Shit..so many things to plan lah. When to choose our wedding date? How many kids do i want with him? Time wedding nak pakai Vera Wang ker Balenciaga? Eee tension nyer merk...!!"

"Ello cik abang oi....you taste merks ker? I nampak you scanning kat i tadi....tapi never mind. Merk rela....."

Jantan: Sori stoberi....i tak taste fomfuan acelly. I taste kebaya you sajer. Fierce sangat. You rasa ada tak size mak?

MERK SENTIPS!!!!!!!

"You get your paws away dari kebaya mak okeh. Nih limited edition haute couture dari Aspadarina...Carrie Bradshaw sex and city also pakai okeh...sorry....you tak carry!! "

Akan tetapi....jantannya sangat persistent. TETAP nak pakai kebaya merah Sasha Fierce sehhinga sanggup menjadi stalker.

"Eh hello! I dah kater jangan ikoot merks lagi okeh....you memang tak carry kebaya. Ko pakai jer baju kurung...jangan lawan kehendak Tuhan okeh...kalo tak....."

"MERK MANDREM UOLS NANTI!!"

Akhirnya jantan tersebut lari lintang pukang terkencing kencing.

Dan Sasha Fierce pun get over it dan kembali menunggu shuban tulennyer dengan gaya posing high fashion......

Gosh its sooo good to be back blogging again! How is everyone in the world doing? Lau niang is absoolootley fine :D been busy with work and studies lately but there isn't one day that went by where i don't miss blogging.

As you can see, i have been doing a lot of photo shoots for lots of people. Paul and Lisa here were such great sports and really fun to work with. And no....the little picture story is not real okeh....biasalah....kerja i kan shit stirrer.

More shits to stir very very soon.....keep reading!

THE BITCH IS BACK IN THE HOUSE...

2009-04-06T00:56:00.005+08:00

All hell will break loose on....

FRIDAY
10.04.09

Be afraid.....be very afraid.....

Little Mermaid: Ariel's Begining

2008-10-14T08:00:00.007+08:00

HOMYGAWWDDD........IT. IS. FINALLY. HERE!!

What is here???

PREQUEL TO LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now as you all know....lau niang is huge huge fan of Little Mermaid you know. Ever since the feature animation came out in 1989, I never stopped watching the cartoon till this very day. My 1st copy of pirated very-blur video tape (they celotape a 4r pic of the poster on the video box only and sell it at rm40 back then you know) evolved to the posh-er red-and-blue HVD tape evolved to a pirated VCD evolved to DVD. Yes people, the cartoon survived all technology and i am still watching it RELIGIOSLY. I hafal all the skrip and song you know.

Then while DVD shopping in pasar malam few weeks back, i spotted this. I refused to believe its real; after all this years. Although they had a sequel done some years before. Yang Ariel make baby with Prince Eric one.

BUT A PREQUEL!!

I dun expect it to be as good as the 1st installment but what the heck. It's still little mermaid!! Gotta have it! As i inserted the disc into the player my hands already shivering in excitement to press play button. Press play only a very very familar scene popped up.

TETAP must have King Triton's Castle okeh!!!

Then hor....start start only got come out Ariel Zaman baby. So cute lei!!!

See see!! So cute!! That time her nen nen haven't grow so just wrap with handkerchief but must tetap same colour with her shell bra. Then King Triton's hair still brunnette; haven't turn white lagi katanya.

Then got new mermaid!!

You guess who is this?? This is Ariel's Lau Bu lah!! Never come out before one lei!! Notice she's wearing Ariel's future bra not? Rupa-rupanya Ariel kena pakai hand-me-down bra jer. So ker lian hor. Hope the cup size is correct lah. Ariel's Lau Bu nen nen seems bigger. Oh her name is not Lau Bu lah....its Athena by the way. Last time in Sunday School i got indian fren her name is Athena also.

But Athena hor,(not indian Athena okeh...focus focus!) very short lived lor. You see her singing along to a music box (that is like her heart of the ocean lah, sentimental gift from husband).....sing sing sing until never realized Captain Barbosa coming in his Black Pearl from behind.

In the midst of the panic, she try to escape but she left her music box behind so she U -Turn to cuba rescue the music box. But her tail tersepit and then just gone case like that. Died because of music box. Leaving behind seven mer-girls to husband. So silly but so cham also lah. King triton ma very trauma lor, so he banned music from his ocean. Dowan to be reminded of his wife.

Ten years later, Ariel grew into puberty full of angst. You know teenagers lah, forever rebel kan. Hate that age level. Come from broken family pulak tu. Dah lah cannot sing song some more, lagi rebel lah kan. Always fighting neck to neck with daddy. "I want to sing!! I won't budge I won't budge gitue...." (harus mek larriikk sorok bawah Atlantic Ocean pasal sudah offended someone now....)

Oh and this part Ariel has a governess who looks after her and her sisters too. She's actually the villian of the show.

Meet Marina Del Rey, (not marinara pasta okeh) the super diva aunty mermaid boroi. Acelly hor if you see the movie throughout kan, her hair color keeps changing one. Why???

Because she is ratu wig. Just like lau niang. Only thing she has nicer wigs lah. Not like me, only got rambut style perempuan gila baru kena rogol 5 round. Anyways, Marina is gila kuasa one lor, she secretly wanna rampas Sebastian's title.

But where is Sebastian??? Why never come out all this while??

Sebastian reprises his role as right-hand man (or in this case right-claw crab) to King Triton. But he has something under his sleeve. (Insert Mary Alice narration and Desperate Housewife soundtrack) In spite of holding such an influencial post, everyone in Atlantic Ocean has their darkest secrets....

You remembered King Triton banned music already right? How can you take the Samba and Flamenco away from Cha-cha diva Sebastian kan. Kau tau.....our fren....dier bukak La Queen Haram!!! Yess.....i'm not kidding. Every night he sneaks out of the palace and pergi cucuk langit in a secret La Queen well hidden in some caves.

Buat solo performance tengah podium plak tu.

Then one night he kena kantoi with Ariel who caught him red handed singing lor. Ariel being a song whore herself, what you expect her to do?? Of course she breaks into a song herself.

Shaddapp....shaddapp!!!!! Nih solo merk tau!!!!!! Merk keyyyysaaahh lah nyahh!!!

Yes yes.....sebastian very geram and jeles Ariel can sing better than him. Ge-les!! Then kena kantoi not enough, the next night Ariel brought all her sister to La Queen untuk melacur some more.

There's Attina, Alana, Adela, Aquata, Arista, Andrina, and then Ariel. In order. Yes i know all their names. Dun fuck with me okeh. So they all go la queen and cik cur together until kena kantoi by King Triton. Jeng jeng jeng!! Drama drama......who tell? Ma Marina tell lor.

So naturally Sebastian losses his job and gets imprisoned. Marina wish come true lor. But not for long. Ariel goes to Sebastian's rescue and they escape together. King Triton pun very gabra kehilangan anak right.....takut kena terung by some kidnappers wait. But dunno mermaid got lobang not lah.

Anyways he sends the whole country look for Sebastian and Ariel. Seeing how concerned King Triton is over them, Marina pun tergugat. So she sends her super evil sidekick to KILL both Ariel and Sebastian. Gasp!!!! Who is the evil sidekick so powerful????

Ha ha ha ha ha!! Mek propah jer. Meet Benjamin. He is indeed Marina's sidekick but you see his face lah so teddy bear. How to be evil kan. Benjamin always wisdom Marina to be good but Marina won't budge. So she releases her pets to kill Ariel and Sebastian demi giler kuasa.

This is not main main okeh. Even Ursula also got 2 koochirat eels only. Marina got SEVEN. And they're all like 10 times the size of Flotsam and Jetsam okeh. Seriously their scene in the cartoon is indeed scary. Small girl see will cry one lor.

The story ends when King Triton catches Marina red handed trying to kill Ariel lor. In all Disney movies of course must have happy ending one lah right. Then after that Ariel ma psycho King Triton to allow music in the ocean again lor. She found her Lau Bu's music box along the way and tries to remind King Triton of the good times they had together.

King Triton kena psycho then he ma very jiwang jiwang lor. Keep thinking of his late wife kan. Last last he lifted the ban and all the ocean started singing again.

King Triton pun sambung berangan together - gether with his wife again. Sangat jiwang kan???

Kesimpulan nyer, all die hard little mermaid and bibiknyonya fans must watch this cartoon....

.....coz it's a feel good cartoon!!

Trust me, you see oledi you will very happy wanna become cha-cha diva also one.

Lau Niang Chats With a Porn Star

2008-09-20T12:20:00.005+08:00

Oh. My. Gkk!!

People, i am doing a LIVE BLOGGING now. As i am writing this post, i am now watching an X tube clip and chatting with a guy. Shut up, lau niang is not pervert okeh. Hear me out 1st.

So this guy....NO SELF PICS.....ask me to show my self pic. No hal. I ma show lor. Show already not enough. Nak demand my cam some more. I asked for his pic again he say dun have. He's discreet katanya. FINE. I just reluctantly on my cam lor. Just being polite kan.

Then hor.....he showed me an X tube. I tengah watching an online horror movie so kan ceong you now. I told him i will watch later but he insisted i watch it now. Very nice one...katanya. I was kinda ticked off already. Its just a stupid porn clip. But ok fine...so i went to see....just to see what is all the fuss about lah.

When I saw the clip.......astaga belakang pintu...tuhan saja yang tau dia punya horror. It was SO SLEAZY!! Bad camera angles. Cheesy disco music background and both of the guys like dead fish....yang kena stroke. The clip 5 mins long, over 3 mins the btm guy lying on top doing god knows what. Fondling and fondling and fondling. Like he's kneading a dough. Buat rancangan pastry ker? How to make croissant.

Oh did i mention it was one of those headless clip? Yeah that's the most irritating type one lor. You know like when they put the camera facing the bed and then all you see is....umm....a fencing tournament. Lawan pedang katanya. Yeah the whole time like that no head at all. Cock head only got.

I remember my cam is still on so i tried my best not to yawn or look bored. I was no where near to being aroused okeh! Then he finally asked me what i thought of it. I wanted to say what i said here already but....i just brushed it off with a simple "ok ok lah..." statement. Then he finally revealed something.

The top guy was in the clip was him!

My god......good thing i kept my mouth shut okeh! I felt so sorry for him. I felt like telling him ala Karen Walker style....

"Oh honey......you poor thing....that's not sex.....*insert sympathy smile* ...no.....i'm so sorry.."

Then only it occured to me. All along the fucker wont even show me a face pic but he sanggup post his own sex clip for the whole world to see. How is that being discreet kan.

I told him off in the face. "You willing to show your sex clip for the whole world to see but you wont show me a face pic....claiming that you are discreet? How are you being discreet??! Planet earth has free access to your butt hole. " And he casually say "I never show my face in the clip mah, discreet lor...."

I CAN DIE OKEH.

Discreet katanya. I cannot tahan anymore terus i bukak blogger and start typing all this furiosly. I dun even know how to respond to him. And then he said the most fantastic statement.

"Wah why you reply me so slow suddenly ah.... (He doesn't know i'm blogging now) enjoying my clip lei. You wanna enjoy with me not? I can meet you up next week then we can have a good time also. Want?"

Oh tuhanku.......i sinfully repent now. I will never drive any engineers up the wall anymore. I wont talk siau siau to chatters anymore. I promise i wont sing Little Mermaid songs in my mind when people talking to me anymore. Lau Niang bertaubat.......

Can anyone (besides me) be more perasan or not you tell me. I chat with him i can pengsan how many times already. Showing me his sleazy sex clips one after another (yes there's more than one but all is sama konspep) and PROUDLY claiming he's discreet the whole time. I began responding slower and slower to him (coz i blogging here) and finally he decides to leave.

" I see you very busy now ah. So slow reply geh? Are you wanking to my clip? Ha ha ha....ok lah i wanna go bathe now. You dun so notti oh....if really cannot tahan just give me a call. We can have fun together like that also....."

I swear i am THIS close to embedding the clip here in my blog okeh. I can do documentry yang bertajuk "Do you know fishes can have sex even after they die?"

Lau Niang cepat cepat pakai baju kurung and shades hitam besar yang cover half the face ala Siti Sifir Along.

"Ramuan untuk dokumetari hari ini ialah 2 ekor bangkai ikan. Mula mula....ambil seekor bangkai ikan. Letakkan bangkai ikan di atas seekor lagi bangkai ikan. TADA! Tuan tuan dan puan puan.....begitu lah gaya dua ekor bangkai ikan mengawan....sekian terima kasih. Jumpa lagi minggu depan dalam segmen Siti Sifir! Satu..kali satu....satu! Satu....kali dua....dua! "

*insert Along theme song and credit titles...*

Brinjal Brinjal....wor ai ni!

2008-09-13T09:13:00.001+08:00

One day hor...me and my sister both of us girls ponteng work together. Keji not? Then hor...we pigi melacur at meat valley together gether. Ok lah....she go with her bf, only lau niang buat kerja melacur part time only lah. But no business because is working day lor. All is the see lai shopping only. Yes i like to become tiang lampu....chui meh?

Setelah penat melacur, kami pun berasa lapar. Dalam pada itu, kami pun mencari tempat untuk memakan tengah hari. So form 1 karangan BM kan? Ha ha ha ha! Anyways, we had the infamous asam laksa in Jaya Jusco. But lau niang forever is miss rebel. Purposely dowan order asam laksa walaupun femes. Nak makan Curry Laksa instead. So i ma order curry laksa lor.

Come come the laksa i pun makan lor. Quite nice also. Nice enough to make sis geram and jeles. That's what we call Ge-les. Plan berjaya. But the laksa looks very red and murky. Can't really see the ingredients also. Manage to pick out all the bawang only. I seriously HATE bawang. I think God made bawang to punish humankind for all the sins of the world. And the chef is carrying God's punishment on me. Can't even eat in peace, must slowly pick out bawang 1st until the mee kembang. Grrrr!!!! So i just eat whatever other things they have in it.

And suddenly lau niang tasted something foreign. I thought i ate something that look like fish paste but why taste different geh?

*sepit another piece and flips around to inspect* Wah lau...! Its a terung! Oh my god i just ate terung!!!

*sudden urge to gag but nothing comes out* Oh my god... I just ate sayur and i'm not gagging. That's weird....

*tastes another piece* Oh my god....i dun hate it. *continues chewing*......its actually good!

Wah ever since the epiphany, i went on a terung frenzy. Why no one tell me how nice is terung. Have you eaten terung before?? Its nice! Terung is so unpopular.....coz its purple. Not pink. Very hard to match. I think gomen should make kempen makan terung. Must raise pubic awarness. Did i mention its really nice? So when i got back home, we had a family lunch in Esquire Kitchen...i special request a plate of terung. Still nice. I finish the whole plate myself lei.

Then later dinner mom cooked at home. I asked her to cook more terung. Ha ha ha!

Man...who would have thought terung is so nice hor. If one day lau niang feel feel very generous i let you belanja me makan okeh? But you better make sure got terung on the menu wor. Kalo tak, mek terungkan your bontot.

All this while i thought terung is a sex toy for poor people only..............

Why Do We Love Tyra Banks so much

2008-09-09T11:04:00.004+08:00

First....she falls down over a couch on national television.

Then....she is seen acting a crazy fool alongside with Bunifa, the black version of me. Ha ha ha ha! You so won't believe its Tyra underneath all those red leather and big hair.

Ps: Check out latest update over Queen Bitch. More shameless camwhore self adoring pics for you to admire. Ha ha ha ha!

P/ps: To all the so many readers who are curious over abang 3some. Well i scared the living daylights out of him on our date and he no longer calls me anymore. I'm so at peace now. Ha ha ha ha ha! What i did? I pakai dress Valentino matching ngan Jimmy Choo i and i claim that it's my casual dress only. Pastu i spoke to him in the queen's english (queen of england not drag queen okeh) Terpinga-pinga he talk to me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Merk suker merk suker!!

Ooops I Did It Again.....

2008-09-07T11:05:00.006+08:00

I am now sitting in Old Town cafe...slapping myself for being such a nice and compromising although very cute and adorable girl. You see....i got myself into a pickle.....again. In a matter of few hours, i'm about to meet up a psychotic chatter.

What happened? What was i thinking? Who is that psycho??

It all started like this. This guy has been existing silently in my MSN contact list for quite a while. Really, i dun even remember where i know him. And then suddenly out of the blue, he messages me. I clearly remember our 1st conversation.

Chatter: Hi.....how are you ah? So long we never meet up already.

Me: Err......hi i'm doing great but i believe we've never met before.

Chatter: Wah....you forgotten me already ah? Last time we had a threesome before lah. Are you still in touch with the other guy? Wanna meet up again?

What-the-fuck-kanine-cau-cibai-hello-and-good-evening. The only time you'll catch me doing a threesome is when Ken Watanabe and Lee Hom is coincidentally in KL and coincidetally in my house okeh.

Are you Ken Wanatabe? No.

Are you Lee Hom? No.

Then if all no how to have threesome like that!? So back to the conversation.

Me: Errr.....i think you must have gotten the wrong person. I seriously never met up with you before...let alone have any threesomes.

Chatter: Oh really ah.....must be the wrong person then. So malu. Ha ha ha....

But anyway, he kinda admitted that he found me attractive and he went all out to impress me. For the past month or so, he never failed to sms or call me everyday. I mean sure, i like to be treated like Queen Amidala. I like the attention he's giving me. But its so overwhelming sometimes. Up to an irritating level in fact. Now you say i fussy kan. People dun sms you, you complain. People sms you, you also complain. In my defence, that's what divas do. Ok lah, i give you a sample of our sms conversation then you tell me if i'm being diva or not.

Abg 3some: What you doing now ah boy?

Me: Having dinner with frens lor.

Abg 3some: Wahh.....who are they wor? You meet plu ah?

Me: Aiyah, they're just my friends from the orchestra lah. You think i have time to meet up guys ah??

Abg 3some: I worry you mah. Heh heh. How many of them wor?

Me: Umm...5

Abg 3some: Can mms me their pics?

Me: *no reply*

Psycho not you tell me??! Want to find out who am i hanging out with, how many of them, and even want me to MMS pics of my friends to me. That is not concern or worry okeh. That is being obsessive oledi you know.

Yahh needdd....to let a sistah have her free space.

Yahh needdd....to let a sistah have her own personal time.

You think i being diva now??? Waste my credit answering all those soalan yang tak perlu okeh. Somehow i know he is not the right guy for me.

I tell you something personal bout me. I rarely fall for guys one and when i do, i feel it immediately one. If i have feelings for a guy, my heart woud skip a beat whenever i recieve an SMS from him. With abg 3some, i would roll my eyes and go "ughh....what does he wants now..."

And then hor, my heart would be running like Black Beauty if i am to meet him for the 1st time. I'd be scared and worried. I be twirling my pigtails and go "....ohmygod...what if he dun like me in person? What if i'm not his type? Do i look ok now?"

And when we meet up....he would grab my waist and draw me near....stare intensely into my eyes with looks that says "Let me take care of you forever..." My heart would then be choking in my throat and i have to swallow it back in. Then he would draw my head closer to him and he would give me a gentle peck on my forehead....assuring his love for me.

You see how well Ken Watanabe does it???

As he kisses my forehead gently, i would feel his big strong hands on my cheeks. I close my eyes, the mer-people would rise from the oceans and start singing the ending theme of Little Mermaid. You know the one that goes "Now you can waaallk *chang* (the grand cymbal).....now you can ruunnnn *chang* (grand cymbal again) ....now you can staaay all day in the sun...(choir sing aahh ahh ahhh....)...just you and me.....(aahhhhh) and i could bee.... (AAHHH! *high pitch mah*) part of your worrlldd....

And then a giant wave would lift King Triton up, he would hold my hands approvingly and touch me with his trident and then my shirt will turn into a sparkly Dior dress....then he'll wave at the skies making a huge rainbow. I'd sail away under the rainbow and all the mer-folks will be waving bye bye to me.

My god....i'm such a Phoebe Buffay.

But you see.....i'm about to meet him soon but i'm not the least scared or excited and what's worse...the merfolks are not singing! How to make lau niang happy if no mermaid singing?!

Definitely not the right guy lor. If its the right guy i know the merfolks will sing and wave bye bye to me one. No merpeople means not right guy.

No merpeople now. So sad. Sigh....i'm so dreading this. Wish me luck people......

Lau Niang (Nearly) Goes on a Blind Date

2008-09-05T11:25:00.005+08:00

Here's an interesting question. Exactly how much trouble are you willing to take when meeting up a chatter or net friend?

Are you willing to drive to the opposite end of town just to pick him up?

Are you willing to foot all bills like movie or meals or whatever things you do on a date that incurs costs?

Are you willing to let your date decide on everything as in where and what to eat or what movie to watch...and you just play along; although you may not be in favour of it?

MERK TAK SANGGUP. PERIOD.

I only make a few exception. VERY few. Lau niang will not struggle like that on a blind date UNLESS:

1. You is Ken Watanabe. Heck i'll pick you up, drive you around, pay for dinner (although i may have to wash plates later tapi merk sanggup nyah. Boleh i wash plate sambil singing 'Someday my prince will come..." ala Snow White ) and give you a foot rub. And lick your sweat. Oh please bring me out....

2. You are a chatter or a dear friend whom i know well enough and is worthy of all my struggle. If you is very very nice and kind to me all along and you prove yourself worthy as a good and sincere friend to me.....i will consider letting you belanja me when we meet up. If i feeling generous, i'll let you treat me to a movie as well.

No more other exceptions.

Other chatter rakyat jelata out there kalo nak dating mek, you better treat me like Queen Amidala. You must pick me up in a carriage with 8 white unicorns with silver horns or muscular topless horse-man (neh the one like Narnia one but i dowan so ugly one. I wan lebih hemsem one. Badan pass oledi) and have dayang-dayang palace bernama Zhang Ziyi pakai dress sepanjang 15 meter to hold my delicate hands and escort me to masuk carriage. Pastu must treat me to a nice dinner and a freaking good movie and surprise me with something from Prada before even thinking of getting into my panties.

Lau Niang is royalty blood okeh. Maybeline also say because i'm worth it.

So why did i bring this up? Well.....recently i was clowning with this guy i met from guys4men. Shit I spill so much dirt now i sound like skanky ho only. Stop judging me okeh. I'm not one. I know all of you melacur there also! But anyway, his face quite rakyat jelata only but he does have a nice body. But he's all the way in Sarawak. So i was just slutting with him virtually and nothing saucy happened. I'm not expecting anything to happen also.

But hor....just a few hours back, suddenly he send me sms lei! He say he's around my area visiting and he would like to meet up lei. So lau niang ma very excited lor. I ask to meet in a mall 1st. In case skali his face is like resident evil Quasimodo senanglah i ditchkan right. If meet at home mati kena rogol wait. Bontot kena terung. Cannot. Pretty girls like us must play smart one you know.

But hor......wah lan...he more diva than me can! At 1st i ask to meet in mall he dowan. Mintak to meet in Kl Central. What in gay hell. Why would anyone wanna meet up in KL Central for?! What is there to do there? Makan in McD pastu shopping in 7-11???? EUWWW!!!! Allergic merk okeh. Saya alah 7-11. I only do Debenhams and Harods. And what happened to my muscle horse-men and carriage and Zhang Ziyi kan.

Apa lagi.....i never budge. Tetap demand to meet in One Utama at least. Then you know what he said?? He freaking asked me to pick him up from Kelana Jaya can?! Not that i purposely want to berlagak diva here. But you all know my infamous talent in my sense of directions. When it comes to be getting lost on the road, Lau Niang is prodigy okeh. No one as talented as me in getting lost lor. I study in UM and work there until now, more than 5 years already still can sesat go 9 college okeh. Apa lagi want to drive so Kelana Jaya. JUST to pick up a chatter whom i have flirted with for 20 mins online only. And never meet before some more.

Do you think he's really worth all the trouble?

Honey....yah neeedd...to treat a sistah like a real lady okeh. Yah neeed....to be a gentleman and pick up this nice lady here okeh. Yah don't ask a sistah to freaking pick you up on a date mmmkay?! That is so.....uncouth.

After that i did something very sialan. Ha ha ha ha! Dengan sangat friendlynya i told him that he can actually take a free shuttle bus from the lrt station to one utama. And the bus come everyhalf hour. Pooop terus no reply. Why suddenly no sound one. Wrrr I do?! Wrrr...wrrr..wrrr I do??!

So what would you have done if you have such a situation?

Flirting in Starbucks

2008-09-02T08:24:00.002+08:00

Last weekend got leng cai cashier at Starbucks flirting with Lau Niang lei. Sungguh tak sangka merk tetap cantik menawan walaupun muka sudah tembam macam char siu pau. So i still have some holiday weights; bite my chinese ass if you dun like then.

So this guy, he's a really cute malay guy standing behind the cashier counter. He has the beautifulest eyes that sparkles everytime you look into it and he keeps on flashing this smile that makes me blush all the time.

Anyways here's me scripting the scene again.

Abg Starbucks: Hello Sir...gooood morning. Can i have your order please?

Lau Niang: (Still groggy coz baru dipaksa bangun by stoopit sisters yang gila shopping pagi-pagi buta) .....can i have a caffe latte please?

Abg Starbucks: Very well sir. Would you like any flavour with it? Caramel? Vanilla? Anything for you?

Lau Niang: No...just a plain one will do.

Abg Starbucks: No problem...(starts punching in the cash register and keyeing in my order) How are you today sir? (he squints his beautiful eyes at me wondering if i'm ok or not....in which i'm not!)

Lau Niang: I uhh.....definitely need my coffee 1st. Now.....*weak laugh*

Abg Starbucks: Ha ha ha....it's on the way. So are you local? *Insert killer smile*

Lau Niang: Umm yeah.....i'm local but i work in KL.

Abg Starbucks: Ahh....back for the holidays eh? Having a good time?

Lau Niang: Welll...i'm just catching on my sleep and shopping around...buying coffee. Ha ha ha!

Abg Starbucks: Well your coffee is ready sir. Would you like an extra shot with it? On the house *insert smiley face and twinkling eyes* (ohmigod...basah panties i okeh)

Lau Niang: That's really nice of you...but its ok....(can i have an extra shot of you instead) i'll be just fine.

Abg Starbucks: *Passes cup of coffee to me and looking curiously between me and my sister* Just curious....are you two together?

Lau Niang: Well.....she's my sister if that's what you mean. (Yes i'm very available so just fucking write your number on my coffee cup oledi!)

Abg Starbucks: Oh of course....ha ha ha haha! Here's your coffee and have a nice day sir. Do come again soon!

Lau Niang: Thank you so much....i'll see you around sometime *grins*

Grin returned.

Five minutes after i left Starbucks....

Lau Niang: Kanine cau cibai......i ordered the wrong coffee. I wanted iced latte! So hot how to drink?!?!

But never mind. Merk rela minum latte panas. That was the nicest latte panas i ever drank. Sedap walaupun panas. Did i mentioned how hot it was? Saya alah panas.

But it was well worth the wrong order....

PS: Dun you fucking dare ask me which outlet it was and what is the Abg Starbucks name. You think you can go and menyundal wif him hor. Fat hopes. Abg Starbucks is merk punyer....sapa nak mari merasa my golden nails dulu. Pastu i baptize with latte panas.

My Happy Family Portrait

2008-08-06T07:43:00.002+08:00

Following on with the conversation between me and the unfortunate engineer whom i love driving up the wall so much....we had another episode only yesterday. So yesterday...we ended having up having me raving on my fetish for Lucy Liu again.

Me: I tell you a secret. My twin sister is actually Lucy Liu.

Chatter: *rolls eyes* What is it with you and Lucy Liu?!

Me: Oh we have the same eyes you know! Very exotic almond shape one. If wear eye shadow meletops kau. And we're both international actress also. Only that i'm better a bit. But i low profile mah...so she more femes a bit lor.

Chatter: *faints* Wh...why Lucy Liu???! There are plenty of other famous chinese actress also what. What about Gong Li? She's famous what.

Me: Not as femes as Lucy Liu lor.

Chatter: Eh she's huge in Europe okeh.

Me: Lucy Liu is huge EVERYWHERE. And she happens to be one of the best dressed celebrity in Hollywood, on par with dames like Cathrine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman you know. And she's chinese! Doesn't that make you feel proud a bit?

Chatter: Gong Li is chinese also what.

Me: Ya i like her also. Lucy Liu is my twin sister and Gong Li is our secret biological mother. That's why we so exotic.

Chatter: Arrrrgghhh!!!!! Why did i bring this up in the 1st place.....what was i thinking!

Me: Oh...and that Zhang Ziyi is the slut who stole Ken Watanabe away from me.

Chatter: Oh my god......what sin have i commited to deserve a friend like you.....ahhh!!!!! I'm getting a headache now!

Me: oh oh oh! I have another distant cousin who can help you also! She's not as pretty as me and Lucy Liu coz she's actually from Korea. But she's a very good doctor...can cure your headache.

Chatter: ?!?!?!?!!!

Me: Sandra Oh.

Chatter: Arrrrggghh!!!!! You know what i really better take a moment away from you before i smash the computer monitor.

Me: Ok lah ok lah dowan disturb you anymore lah. I dun wan to be responsible for your premature insanity wait. Very serious now okeh. I tell you bout my real family. I have an aunty from Ipoh.

Chatter: Finally! Ok...an aunty from Ipoh. So what about her? What's so good (or bad) about her?

Me: ...........Michelle Yeoh. Toooott. (cepat cepat offline)

How to Use an Autoclave

2008-08-01T10:25:00.002+08:00

Wah suddenly Lau Niang so crever so intelectual ada hati want to teach everyone how to use an autoclave. Do you even know what an autoclave is?! What in gay hell is an autoclave? I learned this fancy word while chatting with a fellow engineer chatter whom i love driving him up the wall.

So today he was asking me what is this autoclave because he very admire my terror terror Engrish lor. He think i know everything mah. And yes...i DO know everything.

Chatter: Would you know what is an autoclave?

Bibik: Sure sure!!! So easy. An aotoclave.....is a clave that functions on its own lor. That's why we call it auto. Can you say auto? A-U-T-O....

Chatter: Go to hell lah you!

Bibik: Wahhh i can't believe you just said that. I did you a good favour out of my sincere heart and you condemn me to hell after that. So much for friendship.....

Chatter: ................you dun so drama can ah?

Bibik: Oh i am so hurt.......the pain.......

Chatter: I found out already. An autoclave is a pressurized device designed to heat aqueous solutions above their boiling point at normal atmospheric pressure to achieve sterilization. Sort of like a pressure cooker.

Bibik: .......oh that's nice. What else can it cook?

Chatter: ..........no it doesn't cook. Its an industrial device.

Bibik: Ceh......then buy for what. Cannot cook anything also. So lau yah one....

Chatter: *faints* Its not for cooking. Its for sterilizing purposes! Autoclaves are widely used in microbiology, medicine, sterilizing instruments for body piercing, veterinary science, dentistry, podiatry and metallurgy. The large carbon-fiber composite parts for the Boeing 787, such as wing and fuselage parts, are cured in large autoclaves.

Bibik: So this new job you wanna apply.....is just to on autoclaves only lah?

Chatter: Dunno yet lah

Bibik: you need to actually hire a person just to do that only meh? I thougth its like microwave you just put the tool in the press on button lor no meh. They're all the same only mah all this wave wave machines.

Chatter: *faints* need to do more than that lah!

Bibik: I know i know! Maybe you'll have TEN autoclaves to manage. Then people would call you "the autoclaver" hor.

Chatter: .....................

Bibik: then when you successfully autoclaved things for them oledi, they would say " Wah tq tq.....so claver lah you!"

Chatter: Different tune......cannot discuss anymore.

Bibik: ha ha ha hahhaah!! you know me lah, i is actress glamer, if i dunno anything i ma write my own script lor. Wait ah this is so fun i wanna blog it! Babai!

Chatter: but......

Bibik: [tooot...terus offline]

I Slept With My Best Friend's Man

2008-07-17T08:11:00.005+08:00

Donch you fucking dare judge me. I did it for a super selfless noble cause okeh. And i only slept with him....figuratively. Not literally okeh. Come closer to the monitor and start looking like a fool. I want to tell you a secret. Secretnya ialah....Perky is a skanky ho. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!! You dinch hear this from me okeh....Shh! Shh!

Ya....she really is. You see, she keeps guy(s) in her home for business(?), pleasure(?), a pet(?)...i'll never know.

Anyways, what happens if daddy drops by for a surprise visit? Where do you chuck your guy(s)? Why......in your girlfriend's home right upstairs only of course! How convenient.

Yes people....for the love of a sistah i have to share my porn-scaterred-everywhere, pink-feather-boa-on-the-loose rainbow gay home with a straight man. I have to go to bed knowing there's a straight man next door. Do you know how trauma is that? Lau niang trauma okeh!

And this is no ordinary regular straight man i tell you. This...is the very same straight man who walked up into my car....and fucking threw a damn live prawn at me. MOVING LIVE ONES!!!! has anyone threw a live prawn at your face? Do you know what is it like?

Why would someone do such a holigible vegitable thing right?? Why?? Just because he's jealous of my power duet with Mama Diva. Dia macam Celine Dion duet ngan Whitney Houston okeh. And he's anti Ning Baizura. Mama Diva screamed his brown ass off; making pepople think there's a gang rape going on inside the car okeh. Meletops satu KL okeh....

So memorable hor.....

And so for the love of a best friend, I let him into my house with open arms. At night when i sleeping in bed, i have so many ideas to get back at him.

I thought of waiting him to fall asleep and then i'll paint his face like Barbie Fairytopia. With permanent ink. But I didn't.

I wanted to paint permanent unremovable pink nail polish on his toes and nails. But i didn't.

I wanted to dress him up with fish net stocking and pink feather boa and post the pics here and at malaysiakini. But i didn't.

Coz i'm a noble, selfless, forgiving, kind hearted good friend okeh. You'll never find another friend who would gladly let your guy to bunk in during emergencies...and secretly blogs about it....and demands a week of free dinner after that.

Matilah merk kena main pindah randah like nomad cari lubang gua to stay in. Perky's so gonna hunt my skinny ass down after this.

If you want to find me after this, my new address is inside Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup, tengah tengah hutan puaka atas puncak Gunung Everest di tengah tengah Mozambique. And i'll be guarding my new rock with Ogres, Rotweillers.......and prawns.

The One Weekend Where I Was Back in Hometown

2008-07-14T08:12:00.003+08:00

"Wei you free this Sat not? Let's go watch a choir performance lah!"

".....I'm back in hometown..."

Bong; Friday

"Bapok malam ni nak pergi La Queen tak?"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

David Nenek Sundal; Friday

"Kor....Bring me to Bon Odori festival in KLPAC lah!"

"...I'm back in Hometown..."

Sis; Saturday

"You in KL now? Tomolo i bring you go Marketplace lah, my treat..."

"....I'm back in hometown...."

online-chatter-who-is-trying-to-woo-me; Saturday

"Come to my concert lah, i got free ticket for you!"

"....I'm back in hometown..."

Poporoot; Saturday

"Nyah....do photoshoot for me and Jules lah!"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

Perky; Sunday

And what was i fucking doing in hometown?

Kanine Cau Cibai

Canon S5IS Revealed

2008-07-10T08:25:00.008+08:00

Twas a dark and stormy night. The heavy drizzle of the rain patted rhythmically on my window panes. The air con was set to a nice breezy temperature. I was alone in my room with only my laptop keeping me company. I got lost in cyberland ~~googling for nude pics of Ken Watanabe~~ ~~slutting~~ chatting with ~~other fellow cyber sluts~~ good friends.

Then all out of a sudden, I heard muffled booms of explosions from outside my serene room. Pfftt....dad must have farted. Someone must be shooting dogs outside. But the explosions went on and on.....and on and on. Dad couldn't have farted so many times. There aren't THAT many stray dogs around my place. And it's drizzling outside. Who would be out shooting dogs in the middle of a rain....at past 11pm?!?!

The silent explosion got me curious and rather irritated. With a heavy heart and butt, i had to part with ~~Ken Watanabe~~ my chat friends, drag myself out of the room and find out what the racket is all about. If it came from any members of my family....they better be prepared for a bitch fit from hell. Nothing comes between me and ~~Ken Watanabe~~ my chat friends okeh. Hell hath no fury like the scorn of a woman parted from ~~Ken Watanabe~~ her chat friends. I'm like Malefecent flapping the wings from her haute couture gown and slamming her staff loudly on the floor already.

To my unexpected surprise, the boomings came from outside my home. See, my bedroom is jus next to the balcony and that's where the noise came from. I was all prepared to march to the balcony and scream "DIAMLAH PUKIMAK!! Nak mampos??!" to whoever it was making all the noise outside.

As soon as i opened the balcony door, i saw the most glorious sight. Fireworks booming in my face. HUGE ASS ones! I dashed back to my room and dived for the camera and here's what i got in a matter of 15 minutes or so.

Simply glorious innit? So how did i possibly get such great great shots? After recieving curious comments and compliments from the pictures of my previous buaya post, i feel its finally time i reveal my latest better-than-sex toy. Cam sluts, fairies and queens.....i present to you my latest gadget; the almighty Canon S5IS :

This baby boasts of a fantastic 8 megapixel with 12x optical zoom and 48x digital zoom. How you think i got the great close up shot of the croc eye huh. You think i squatted 2 inches away from the buaya and slowly adjust camera to snap ker. That's how good the digital zoom is. Its even far enough for me to snappy the interior of living hall of a neighbour living the NEXT block of my condo! Now i can zoom in and snappy Ken Watanabe when he's bathing. So all you people out there, remember to close your toilet windows the next time you bathe. Dun be surprised and blame me if you see pics of yourself tengah mengangkang over the toilet bowl with a caption that reads "Guess what i saw yesterday? ha ha ha ha! " in this blog.

For all the non camera savvy readers out there, this Canon is actually what we call a prosumer model. Its sort of like a hybrid between those canggih canggih SLR cameras and those point and shoot compact cameras. So basically, this is a point and shoot camera with SLR functions. Not as good as SLRs of course, but its close and good enough. Ceh sudenly sound like camera professor jer kan.

A prosumer is fun (to me) because if you're lazy and you just want a quick picture, you can easily set it at the auto mode and use it like a regular compact. Point at whichever ~~dick~~ subject you want and just press the snap button and you'll still get a decent pic. There's over 20 pre-set modes for you to choose from so you are really spoilt for choices. There's a mode for practically ANY pictures. Portraits, animals, plants, sceneries, night scenes, you name it they have it all.

And sometimes if you're more ambitious and you want greater shots; or those artsier ones, there's the manual mode for you to explore. This is where you can adjust everything to your liking and get the desired results you want in your picture. You can adjust the exposure, lighting, shutter speed, stuff like that. And every kind of settings will produce different results. It gets really technical here.

That's why it took me so long to reveal this camera when actually i bought it a few months ago. I thought i wanna be sure and really know how to use it 1st before i share this with everyone. Lau Niang spend so many hours sitting in bookshop browsing camera books also you dunno. I know its a very cheapskedo way but you know how much do these camera books cost?! Not rm9.90 with free toy in it that i can tell you.

This is the reason why i didn't get an SLR camera instead. It's so intimidating i tell you. This camera is also not cheap okeh. I spent many hours studying the model 1st before i buy it if not nanti kang regret my whole life plak. I never study this hard when i sat for my STPM also i tell you. Just so you know how good the picture quality this camera produces, i actually made a comparison with another similar fierwork shot i snapped with my previous Casio compact camera. You can CLEARLY see how much more difined the Canon picture quality is.

So from now on, yo can expect more paparazi shots of people making out behind dark bushes, bathing in toilet, surfing porn, or anything fun that comes along. I have 48x digital zoom now. And its upgradable.

Be afraid people, be very afraid....HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Melaka Crocodile Farm

2008-07-07T08:03:00.009+08:00

I finally know what i want to be if i'm not teaching.

A Crocodile!!

Do you know how fun being a crocodile is? I only found out when i visited the Crocodile Farm with fellow blogger Jonzz when he dropped by my hometown. Oh yessss....i do make blind dates with straight men as well. And i'll have you known i was rather sick during the weekend also. But dun care....tetap want to go crocodile farm. So that can take pics. So can blog. So you can see. So you will....comment. *Hint hint*

See how much i love you alls. Sick also go hunting for blogging materials you know. How many of us are that passionate and selfless? Howmany howmany?

So what is so fun about being a crocodile?

I'm so envious of them i tell you. All they do is bathe in the sun all day long. And i lurrrrve sun tanning myself. See, we already have something in common.

And oh....you get to eat up people that you dun like also. I think that's the most fun part. I'm sure all of you have to agree. No need to struggle go to bomoh to mandrem them or try murdering them and end up getting caught by police. Don't like? Just chomp.

Also, i get to star in multiple Hollywood movies! You know how many crocodile movies are there in Hollywood already? People are just CRAZY over crocs i'm telling you. I'm gonna be in a movie with Ken Watanabe as the hero. Oh shit...then he'll have to kill me huh. I'm gonna die being bombed into a million pieces.

No...i'm going to be a frail harmless innocent crocodile who is being hunted by fat and ugly hunters coz they're after my beautiful skin. And Ken Watanabe would be the topless hunky environmentalist who goes all out to save me. See it's so original. Why must crocodile be bad all the time kan. I hope Ken Watanabe likes crocodile sex though. I promise i won't bite.

And when i die...as a crocodile no less....i get to do something noble. I'm gonna donate my skin to Prada and make Ken Watanabe wear me all day long. So i can smell his sweat and feel his warmth....

Omigosh i'm supposed to be talking bout a croc farm eh? How emberassing. So yeah i was there with Jonzz and we saw....... crocodiles. Crocodiles crocodiles and more crocodiles..... *cricket chirping*

Shits....does anyone know how to review a crocodile farm here???

Basically i saw many crocodiles lor. I dunno how many million times i mentioned what i saw oledi but nothing much to say anymore right. As a fully grown adult who had education up to university level, i am almost sure that crocodiles has various species as well. Am i right? I'm sure i have to be. But strangely enough, the croc farm here didn't label the species. So i'm going to label my own crocodile species here.

First, we have the rakyat jelata crocodile. They're commoners. Very fat, just laying down very still and very boring to look at. Hmm.....

Then we have the Tyra Banks crocodile. Buaya yang fierce fierce tu lah. See the eyes....so big and shiny. Memang fierce like Tyra kan. But i still like my oriental-Lucy Liu-almond-eyes. Those big and white jagged teeth also makes them look super brutal.

Then we have the Resident Evil Crocodile. See the crocodile is injured. I'm guessing this crocodile must be either suffering from ADD and he got into some fights with other crocs...or he's just a hamsap crocodile. Maybe a freak accident by a hot french kissing session. But i'm guessing its the latter reason. This croc doesn't move at all. Cannot be ADD. A snail can slowly crawl across his jaws and come out unharmed. I think his mouth cannot move coz he got a jawlock from giving too many blowjobs. Hamsap crocodile it is.

Next off, we ave the crocodile kindergarten. There's this pond where they keep all the baby crocs and they look like big iguanas. So cute lor. I wonder if they cry every morning looking for their mamas....

This crocodile farm very kelass one. Got rumah buaya cacat also okeh. These crocs got no tail one. If they can talk, i'm sure they have an epic story story to tell. Something like "Oh i sold my tail to a chinese restaurant so i can feed my family..." So ker lian hor...

And this....is the bomb. This is LAU NIANG crocodile okeh. It. Is. Fucking. Huge!!!! Its so huge it can eat up other crocs. Like finger food. You think giant crocs in movies are all graphics? There's real ones out there i tell you. It doesn't really show in the picture but it's huge i'm tell you. If there's no locked gates by the pond and the croc promises not to chew me, i'd have gladly strike a Tyra pose by the croc so you can see exactly how big it is. Scary!!!

And then, we have the Diva crocodile. Why i say this croc so diva? You compare this croc and other crocs:

You see you see. Diva or not??! Other crocs have to share a muddy shallow pond with shit water. This diva croc is like Zhang Ziyi from Banquet movie okeh.

She gets her own personal pool with crystal clear water to play with. Got personal coconut tree and landscaping some more okeh. If i'm a crocodile this would be me lor.

And here's something new for you. Do you know that crocodiles have no tongue?? I'm serious!

You see inside the mouth is all pink pink only. No tongue one. I don't see one at least. They dun have hole in the mouth also. I wonder how they swallow food. I can show you close up to see yourself.

And here i'm about to show you my last pic. This is the cream i tell you. If you're reading this at work, i suggest you dun scroll down any further coz its just too violent and horrorfying and scary mary. Not safe for work at all. Not safe for kids also. Not safe for adults also. Not safe for anyone. Dun blame me if you end up screaming in shock like siau lang in the middle of your office and have people giving you weird stares okeh. You have been warned.

Aside from the fact that this IS a crocodile farm, this farm has a "Reptile Corner" as well. I know its redundant but dunno why they insist on making one. So out of curiosity and also to make my Rm5 worth, sure i go and see what its all about lah. And i saw this to my horror (remember my warning uols....merk tak tanggung if anything malu happens ya. Pregnant ladies dont see also!)

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Some staff nicely kept their pet rabbit there. How clever......

Beauty & The beast @ Plenary Hall KLCC

2008-06-26T08:24:00.006+08:00

Shit. I finally ~~have an excuse~~ know the reason why i've been ~~lazy~~ kept busy from blogging.

I AM SO HOOKED TO AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!!

Seriously its the only thing i do at work when i'm free. I watch it before classes. I watch it after classes. I can tibai 1 whole season in 2 days. So you can expect a more often return of me when i finish all 10 cycles lah ya. Ha ha ha ha ha! Kidding kidding.

ANYWAYS.

I'm here today to review about this musical i watched last night. Yep. Beauty and The Beast is now staging in Plenary Hall and i finally get to see my dress kuning kembang being put in good use. Of coz i will go and see. Got so many pondan attended as well. All berangan nak jadi princess.

Before i begin, here are some comments my friends made after the show. My comment is grand finale lah of coz.

"It was ok but i didn't wet my panties..." ~~ Perky

"Mana the chandelier for the dancing scene and Be My Guest? Mana the field with the horse running?" ~~ Poporoot Pegap

"Aiyo....i almost fell asleep during the show. Good thing they smart enough to change the sets..." ~~ J-Me. (J is not for jilat okeh)

"We Will Rock You is so so so so much better. Thank you God for making We Will Rock You" ~~Cat

Additional conversation i overheard behind me:

Super-excited-sugar-high-girl: Mommy mommy i want to buy the CD after this can? Can?

Monotonous-Mom : .........for what.

Having said all that, you should know by now which way review is leading to already.

In my utmost humble opinion....the musical was really just so so to me. I didn't wet my panties as well. Where do i begin. Let's start with the Beast' character.

I was so taken aback at the characterization. In the cartoon this Beast character is depicted as a large feroucious ...well..beast obviously....with permanent PMS. And buasir. In this musical version, not only his PMS and buasir was rather inconsistent, the actor actually tried too hard to give a fresh flavour to the character by adding some comedic scenes having the Beast to do things that is SO UNLIKELY of the character.

I'm talking about whining and stomping foot all over the place when Belle refused his 1st dinner invite. Kepit punai sqealling in pain when Belle was treating his injuries from the wolf attack. That is something.....i would do. Not the beast. So yeah, as a result the Beast looked like a huge ass hairy prancing drag queen who can't afford shavers.

And then there was the transformation part. You know where the spell get broken and he transforms into a prince so handsome i will hump the cardboard stand-up poster like Duracell Rabbit. Dun even get me started if he's a real person.

Anyway, you know that part is the cream of the story you know. And it was presented so poorly on stage. I know its not an easy feat to do but still what they did was really unacceptable. From what i saw, I think the Beast was hoisted up and he turned 360 like a ferris whell...with no brakes. Seriuosly he turn so fast i dunno how the actor can tahan. I will puke on Belle if it was me lor. Turn turn turn then pooof.....tada! Beast in person comes walking in with follow spot on him ala Mr. Bean.

Nabeh.....what kind of transformation is that?!?!?! If they let Belle hug and cry over a bear bear doll and have the Actor change his costume back stage also i not so geram lor. Seriuosly it reminded me of Exorcist where Linda Blair floated on top of the bed and started turning also. Suddenly become Exorcist Musical only.

And that's not the end of it okeh. I had such high hopes on the Beast-in-person actor i tell you. Of all disney princes, i think he's the 2nd most hemsem one of all lei. Number one forever must be Prince Eric of Little Mermaid. So hemsem.

See his kukucau so big. That's why i like. But this Beast prince also very hemsem you know.

See his big eyes, big chest, big arms, broad shoulder and those long flowy hair. Like horse. So nice lei. I seriuosly expected the actor to be looking somewhat similar lor. But no.

The Prince is like NOT HEMSEM AT ALL!!! Not ugly also but NOT HEMSEM AT ALL!!! He looked like some drunk latino man with stubbies all over his face. I see like so busuk like that. SUCH A DISSAPOINTMENT i tell you. I don't hate the actor, its not his fault that he looks like that but i just expected more. All Disney princes are obligated to be hemsem okeh. Its every little girl's fantasy you know. It's MY fantasy. No one likes to fantasize about drunk latino men lor. Oh ya...his hair not even blonde also. As a result, the prince got a lukewarm applause only when he 1st appeared as human. So sad lor.....sigh.

I should move on. Let's talk Belle. She's quite satisfactory. The actress was very lifelike. She really looks like Belle. Same hair same dress and even the voice very Disney also. No complaints for me. I always have a softer spot for Disney princesses becoz i'm a Disney Princess myself. I love all my sisters.

I should give some credits to Lummiere also. The candle man you know? Oh he was so confident on stage. Very flamboyant with his French flavour...very tight pants...very pondan also. I like! Tapi he straight coz he syok the female feather duster.

Then there was Chip. The little teacup you know? Such a darling. To all directors out there reading this, mak kasi tips sikit. However bad your show is, you can salvage the show by just putting a cute innocent child actor. Or a puppy if you can't get a little boy. Audiences will always have a soft spot for cute lil' children or animals. Though his part was quite little, this little Chip never fails to charm the audiences. I even heard a distinct "Awww...." from everyone when the spell was broken and the actor came in as a boy looking so cute in his night shirt and hugging Mrs. Potts. Sosweet!!! (must say fast fast in high pitch; if still cannnot, ask Jules to teach)

I was quite let down with the orchestration as well. Apart from all the mandatory songs from the cartoon version, they even added some new tracks. Tapi all the new songs like so not nice. See today is the next day only, i forgotten all the songs already. And the arrangements itself is so empty. Blerrrgh....

Dengan itu sekianlah my review for this Enchanted Musical. To those who are going to watch....Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! (Points at face)

Sybil @ The Actors Studio

2008-06-19T07:51:00.003+08:00

Last 2 night, i ~~dragged~~ invited Cat along to watch a theatre with me. This show was entitled Sybil and it was directed by my very very respected ex lady boss, Faridah Merican herself; who still remembers me when i said Hi to her. Lau niang so terharu okeh! Well she HAS to remember me i suppose. I was the only intern who actually dared to bitch about my job.

ON PAPER. Oh i am all about provocating. Ha ha ha ha!

And crazily, Faridah ACTUALLY decided to publish it on the newsletter which was circulated nation wide. Gila tak.

I got really intruiged reading the sypnosis alone. As soon as i read it, I told myself "I gotta watch this!". If you're too butt lazy to check the link, basically the story is set in the Japanese Occupation and it tells the life ( but Cat insists that it is NOT about the life of hers. It should be interogation only. Dia geram! Ha ha ha!) of Sybil Kathigasu; a real character no less. She's the wife of a doctor and she was being interogated by this bad ass Japanese General. For nursing British soldiers apparently.

So the whole play is centralized on her interogation process. I had to say...hands down. This is no doubt THE MOST intense play i've ever watch. The script were rather heavy and it demands a lot of concentration and the actions were staged in its most violent glory. The actress who played Sybil is no less a weak, frail looking middle aged woman in her mid40s or even 50s i suppose. And throughout the play, she was actually tortured in the most vivid manner.

Oh yes. It felt like watching a stage play version of Kill Bill. Or the infamous Saw series. Hostel. Ok lah, not hostel. They didn't butcher people on stage lah. But still it was quite brutal for a stage performance. The actress had her hair yanked several times, slapped, punched, thrown off her chair with her hands tied, stepped on, kicked on, and get this: even had her eyes gauged. Her lingering screams of pain echoed in the hall and it gave audiences this sense of tension. Very very clever.

The cream of the show had to be the epilouge part i suppose. A lenghty video presentation of the real woman herself was screened. It showed pics of her grave, tortured victims of the Japanese War, and other relevant pictures. The video was screened WITHOUT music and the whole hall was actually in pin drop silence. I can feel the intensity myself and when all the actors came out for a humble curtain call, they received well deserved thunderous applaude.

Man i'm so jealous. I wish i can direct a violent play like that as well. When it comes to violence, i dare say i'm more creative that those damned Japanese Soldiers themselves okeh. But i suppose if i were to do it in school it'll cost me my job or something.

Hmmmpph.

Oh...the play is still running so if you wanna watch it, you still can. I strongly recommend it. :D

Chinese Courier Service

2008-06-09T13:36:00.003+08:00

Have a good laugh with this Chinese delivery & have agood start today! And enjoy its...Innovative delivery method, the Chinese ways...forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!

Enjoy Reading...

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeeze dinside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ah-Ma's body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong.

Please divide these among all of you. On Ah-ma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for AhMei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is forAh Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.

The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ah ma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ahma is wearing theTiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not feeling well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too...

Sex Crazed Cab Driver

2008-06-07T00:12:00.002+08:00

Just today, i came across the most perverted cab driver i've ever met. He's so crazy so much so i actually salute him. He had such a dysfunctional history you won't even believe me after you finish reading my post today. Here's the conversation we had as he drove me from my uni to Puduraya. I try to recollect as much details as i can.

Cabbie: You belajar sini kah? Belajar apa?

Me: Err...ya. Belajar music.

Cabbie: Oh...music bagus bagus. Sekarang you mau pergi Pudu pergi mana?

Me: Balik Hometown.

Cabbie: Hometown you mana?

Me: Melaka.

Cabbie: Oh saya orang Melaka juga. Dulu saya tinggal Portugese Settlement. Mak saya serani bapak saya India.

Me: Oh ok....Serani bagus. (dunno what else to say)

Cabbie: Actually dulu saya kerja chef kat hotel Melaka. Mak i suruh i cari girlfren kahwin.

Me: Habis tu? You tak nak kahwin you lari KL lah?

Cabbie: Tada lah.....dulu saya gila tau. I tell you ah, semua pun saya ada buat. Saya hisap ganja lah, main perempuan lah, minum arak lah....semua i pernah try. I banyak tukar girlfren lah dulu, satu hari my uncle found out dia pun bagi tau mak saya. Mak saya tak bagi i gatal dia pun halau saya dari Melaka.

Me: Wah ha ha ha ha! Happening lah you. Wah you datang KL mesti kuat main lagi lah. KL macam macam perempuan ada.

Cabbie: Tada lah, sekarang saya sudah kahwin. Tapi kadang kadang customer mintak so i dapat makan jugak. Baru last week ada satu pompuan indon i bantai. Lawa jugak.

Me: *gulps* Wah...itu perempuan mintak sama you ah? Girls so daring one ker??!

Cabbie: Ini hari punya pompuan all you dunno. Itu pompuan Indon kan, dia pura pura tanya i "Abang, i tada duit lah, macam mana?" Terus i know she want to fuck lah. I tanya dia ada tempat tak dia pun bawa i balik rumah dia. I bantai puki dia lah. Lepas habis dia mintak nombor i lagi. I tak bagi, takut nanti bini i tau.

Me: Wah if like this macam macam pompuan you dapat lah.

Cabbie: Adalah....dulu i kerja sous chef kat hotel lagi banyak. Itu customer perempuan semua i bantai. Cina, negro, indon, melayu, semua ada lah.

Me: Wah terror lah you! Yang mana paling best?

Cabbie: Aiya semua sama lah. These girls all just want a fuck only lah. Dia mau i kasi lah.

Me: Ha ha ha....wah if like that ah, kalau jantan mintak you bagi tak.

Cabbie: Tengok lah, kalau dia ok i makan juga.

Me: *Gasp!!!!! He's a freaking bi!!* (Harus merk pretend innocent dan korek lagi okeh) Wah jantan you pun main ah?

Cabbie: Aiya semua pun try lah.

Me: Bila you 1st time main ah?

Cabbie: (damn proud tone) I tell you also you wont believe. Saya umur 10 tahun sudah start main. Masa itu i tak pancut lagi lah. Ini kecik saja *gestures the thumb-to-little-finger size. Perky's fav size. Larrriiik!* Tak pancut tapi sudah ada feel lah.

Me: 10 tahun??! Siapa itu pompuan?????

Cabbie: Masa dulu kan, ada lah saya punya neighbour. Dia baru beranak then her husband pergi luar kerja 2 bulan balik sekali saja. Kakak saya pun suruh i tidur rumah dia untuk teman dia lah. Satu malam i tidur dengan dia 1 katil, dia raba saya. Then later dia bagi i tengok blue film semua. Then i pun start main dia lah. I minum susu dia lagi. Pasal dia baru beranak ada susu lagi mah. *Looks at me through the mirror and laughs*

Me: *gulps* .........

Cabbie: I main dia sampai I 13 tahun. Masa tu i boleh pancut i become lagi gila. Macam gila puki lah. I tengok perempuan lain saja i dah geram, macam nak main puki dia. Tiap tiap malam i bantai puki neighbour i. Bila laki dia balik i tak main lah.

Me: Wah terror lah you! 10 tahun main sampai sekarang.

Cabbie: Pasal tu lah i tak heran lagi. Dah berapa tahun i main lu kira lah. Lu? Tada girlfren kah?

Me: Tada lah, universiti i perempuan semua tak lawa. (cuba cover cover lah kan) Tak boleh makan. Pastu banyak laki gay.

Cabbie: Eh i bagi tau you....you jangan takut. You try saja. I tell you secret. I pernah bagi laki hisap i tau. Wah dia hisap....kalah perempuan. Dia punya teknik number 1! Very syok! You muda lagi, semua boleh enjoy. You try lah...gerenti you suka punya. Laki gay lagi pandai hisap dari perempuan oh. Dulu ada satu anak orang kaya simpan i tau. Tiap tiap kali i bagi dia hisap dia bagi i duit lagi.

Me: (oh man i so feel like giving him the diva snap and go "oh don't get me started bitch. You ain't seen nothing yet. I'm the MOTHER of blowjobs *snap snap*) Wah you memang happening lah you. Ha ha ha ha!

Before i could dig more, i arrived oledi. This is one sex addict cabbie from hell i tell you. Most entertaining cab ride of my life. Ha ha ha ha!

How To Surf Porn at Work

2008-06-02T00:16:00.003+08:00

Hi hi hi....how's everyone in the world. Sorry for the quiteness lately but i've been recuperating from work. And i have a week more to go. Jangan marah. No i'm not sick. Choi choi choi. Now is the school holidays tau. So i'm knitting and bird watching and cloud gazing, watching the flowers bloom and dogs chasing after butterflies, reading in the porch while having English Tea and scones over the sunny afternoon.

Ok screw it.

I've been surfing porn and slutting over the net. Ha ha ha ha. But a holiday is a holiday right?

Aaaaannnd back to the topic. I have something very interesting for uols today. To all those people who are stuck bored at work and hating me with envy now, lemme give you some love.

Today lau niang will teach you how to surf porn in the office. Without getting caught of course. Sounds too good to be true? Well you better bet your ass i'm not kidding here.

So from now on, should you have any cravings to visit X tube ker, calvin's blog ker (merk larrriik ke Zulu Zulu island sorok dalam gua bawah laut dolu) you can always do so with no fear. So how do you do it?

Ladies and gentleman, i present to you the most revolutionary invention of the 21st century:

Why you think i'm knitting now?

Ikan Bakar in Melaka

2008-05-20T08:44:00.004+08:00

Melaka is a haven for gluttons i tell you. Being born and bred here, i can only be proud (if that's even worthy to be proud of) of the food they have here. Really its crazy. Correct me if i'm wrong. Besides Peanang, I should think that Melaka is next in line for its notorious reputation for good food. You think people come here to shop? No. You think Singaporeans come here to visit the zoo? No.

Everyone comes to Melaka for one sole reason. To eat.

I'm serious! There is nothing else to do here besides eating. Aside from the insanely sweet calorie packed Cendol and the over rated chicken rice balls served with its steamed chicken with 2 inch thick oily fat and skins, people normally flock this sleepy hollow for Ikan Bakar as well. Loosely known as Burned Fish. Baked fish. Grilled Fish. Fish you. Whichever you like lah.

Because Ikan Bakar is so famous in Melaka, it is only natural that there are MANY Ikan Bakar stalls in Melaka. There are more Ikan Bakar stalls than 7-11s here. I'm not kidding. Every hawker centre got at least 3 stalls. Got chinese type. Malay type. Portugese type. Kurang gay type only. But locating the best stall is one whole other story lah.

When it comes to this, only US locals would know lah. Tu lah...u kene baik baik ngan merk then only i tell you where is the best spot lah. So dun expect me to reveal where is this magical place. Unless you know the pak cik Ikan bakar personally lah. Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, lau niang is keji tahap cipan tenuk.

The only thing that i will reveal to you is that the best ikan bakar spots are NOT located in the city. Yep, you gotta travel a lil' bit off town to get the best ones. No pain no gain. And in this particular shop, costumers pack this place everytime because the shopkeepers gurantee you fresh supplies of seafood all the time. You can pick your choices blindfolded and you won't go wrong.

See what i mean? All so so fresh kan. And you are really spoilt for choices too. They have every kind of seafood you can name here. Ok that's a bit too over lah. They dun have sea horses or whales. Hmm...but then again...sea horses cannot eat and whale is not a fish kan. So i'm right after all. Ha ha ha ha!

And after you've made your selection of seafood to eat, they will cook it right in front of your very eyes. So nice kan. They have many ways of cooking such as sweet and sour, spicy, deep fried and many more, just to name a few. Best of all, they dun charge you for the cooking. You only pay for the seafood you picked. As a result, many customers are really happy and they keep coming back. After all, how many shops offers you cheap and fresh seafood kan. Personally, i dunno exactly how cheap it was but everybody tells me so. My mom, friends and colleagues whom i took them there all say its reasonable. Coz i never pay the bill one. All they pay only. Larriiiikkkk!

Amongst their most famous dishes are the cockles and prawns. They have SO MANY type of cockles to choose from! From the normal ugly bloody siham type right up to exotic bamboo lalas and some i never see before also. Feels a little like Fear Factor.

Their satay prawn is the signature dish. As you can see, satay sticks were shoved up the asses of these yummylicious huge ass prawns and they are baked till sedap sedap. It's a compulsary order for every visit!

I wish i can take more pics of the cooked dishes but my dad and sisters couldn't keep their paws off the food. Everytime a new dish arrives on the table, it gets half eaten already before i can even switch on my camera. By the time i'm ready, the food is too fugly to be cammed. Grrr!!

But the fish is sooooo good i tell you. It is wrapped all over with banana leaves and they are baked until the leaves gets.....burnt. Of course. Now it looks really ugly on the outside, but when you open the leaves up....oh my lord. That's a living proof that there is a God out there and He loves us all!

The cooling coconut drinks compliment well with the spicy Ikan Bakar as well. Its a very hot favourite among custumers. Personally, i'm not really a big fan of coconuts. I still prefer my sirap ais anytime but you can see at least 1 (if not more) coconut with a straw on every table around. You can visibly see the mountain of coconuts decreasing in numbers as you sit down and eat. The boy chopping coconuts like he's in trance. Don't you dare play peek-a-boo with him when he's holding that foot long parang i tell you. Silap silap your head also can put straw inside...

So the next time you drop by Melaka, do bring me for a treat and i will bring you to the best hidden treasures that you won't find on your own. Motif sangat. Ha ha ha ha!

Idiot's Guide to Raising a Baby

2008-05-12T10:05:00.006+08:00

I dedicate this post to Perky especially. Coz she's the one who is most likely the first to make babies in my circle of friends. And above all else, she's also mighty prone to cause such accidents. Very, VERY typical of her. Believe me people, i've seen the things she's done with my very own naked eyes. Eyes okeh.

By the time you finished laughing at all the pics, those of you who know Perky personally will most certainly agree to what i say. Tak pasal pasal kena Perky bashing today. Ha ha ha ha! Merk nak larriiikk ke class kindergarten and sorok behind all the babies dolu....ta.

How To Buy A Samsung TV From Tesco. Without a car.

2008-04-28T10:01:00.005+08:00

Kinda tricky innit? But lo and behold...this dear friend of mine had it alllllllll figured out and actually made it possible. Here's how the pro did it.

First off, you call your friend on the day prior to your purchase date. You talk to him in the sweetest and most polite tone and ask if you can borrow his car to load the tv. If you have good enough friends (like me), your friend(which is me) would agree to do you that favour. Did i mention that i was that good friend already? Yeah it was me.

Next off, you head to Tesco...in your friend's car. Then you look around Tesco to browse the display models. You like one but its only available in the size that you're not looking for. What then? Of course you head to Harvey Norman to try your luck and PRAY they have stock there. But too bad your prayers aren't as strong as Mama Diva's curses. (mak larriiik ke Uganda sorok bawah cactus dulu) So of course, no stock also lah. Then you have to head back to tesco to buy your TV. Hold it there, you dun know what struggelism is yet.

When you head back to Tesco, you only discovered that the 2nd available choice of your TV is already pre-booked bt another costumer. What do you do? Of course you pull a sad Hush Puppy face, make up a story to the Abang Tesco and pray your ass off that he'll buy your sad story. In which he does eventually.

Step seterusnya.....

Yes. You push the TV in a huge ass cart and make your way to the opposite end of the huge ass Tesco...banging customers within your radius; thus causing irritable glares but you buat derk jer. Make your payment at the counter and head to the smelly cargo lift.

Next off, you get a few Bangla Tesco staffs to help you load the TV into your friend's car.

They tried their level best to shove the damn huge ass box into your friends car but it got stuck halfway through. They had to remove the box entirely and hold an emergency confrence to discuss on how to shove the TV into the car.

Finally, it has been agreed unanimously that the box should be removed to allow more space in the car. And thus....begins the second attempt.

And this time, they succed with a close call. They smile at you in a huge relief and you thank them in return of course. Then they wave a friendly bye bye and now you're all on your own.

After that, your kind friend drives back home with you seating at the backseat being squashed by the humongous tv. Your friend drives to your apartment and now you have to figure your way out to remove the 29 incher from the car.

Thank god you have more than 1 good friend. No way in gay hell this delicate oriental flower is gonna carry a 29 inch Samsung man. I'll just be clicking the snap button of my camera phone at laugh along. This is a job for.....Mama Diva. He's good at carrying things and opening jars.

Mama Diva: Heck. It got stuck again! It won't come out! How how how.....

Bibik: Ha ha ha ha ha!!! *snap snap snap*

Poporoot: Ok wait wait....you hold first then i come to your side we pull it out together.

Bibik: Ha ha ha ha!!!! *snappy snappy*

Mama Diva: Celaka kau babi anak haram....tangan aku nak patah nih...!

Bibik: Ha ha ha ha ha! *more snappy snappy*

Poporoot: Ok it's off!! Sikit lagi nih....angkat tinggi sikit lah! Now we have to go to the lift....

Mama Diva: Mak tak larat dah....bontot aku dah cramp okeh...

Poporrot: Ala very near already lah. 11 floors only....

Bibik: Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Poporoot: Hah okeh...lif dah bukak. Masuk masuk!

Mama Diva: Cepatlah pukimak! Aku nak mampos dah!!!!!!!!

Ding!! 11th floor finally! Ok now to move it to the shelf.

Mama Diva: Wah struggle nyer...!!! Mak dah tarat larat dah!!

After a hell of a srtuggle.....the TV is finally welcomed to its new home...

Tada!!

And that my friends....is what we call struggelism. Classic example!

Don't you just love helping your friends :)

* Ps: All pictures are blurred on purpose to create artistic effects. Ok who am i kidding. I'm using my lousy camera phone only. There.

Singapore: We Will Rock You Musical

2008-04-23T09:36:00.006+08:00

Oh my goddd.....it's already Wednesday and i'm still so sugar high. I'm still shaking in excitement everytime i think of it. That's why cannot blog. Hands shaking like Parkinson you know. I so excited i dunno where to start. Merasalah uols baca post yang rojak entah hapa hapa today. I'm having mental diarrhoea now so there. I'll see what i can spill in 1.5 hours time before my next class.

So last weekend, i had a short escapade to Singapore with my fellow sisterhood girls. Motive ke Singapore for what? To watch this:

Meletops tak??? This has got to be the most struggle musical i've ever watched but oh my lord Prada. It is so fucking well worth it. Apparently this musical thingy features a number of songs by Queen; Perky say its very famous wor. Famous mah famous lor.

When I was being invited to watch this musical, i was the least interested and i was kinda half hearted; dunno wether to go or not. Truthfully speaking, i'm not a huge fan of Queen. I only know they sang We Will Rock You. And that's about it. Yeah its kinda embnerassing. I know.

But still, i knew how profilic this musical was and i decided to attend it against my gut feeling. For the sake that it's a musical and it's my field as well. If the show sucked donkey balls, i can still do shopping. No hal. So merk ons jer.

And boy was i blown away! I went into the hall not knowing what to expect and by the end of the show, i was totally blown of the seat. Very very superb lightings, an energetic team of casts with heart pounding songs made the entire show a living legend itself. I dun know what else to say. It is just so good. For you people who never watch it....

Kesian betul.

That's all i can say. I dun think they're ever coming to Malaysia as the costumes were tad lil' too skimpy for our local taste and i came to find out that Bohemian Rhapsody is banned in Malaysia? Did you know that?? I dinch.

Speaking of songs, like i said, i wasn't a fan but i was still so impressed. Its quite surprising to hear some familar tunes during the show i must say. They sang the Happy Feet song! I din know that was a Queen song. All along i thought i was sang by.....well.... a female penguin. Pfffft.

I dun wanna rant on. I got more things to spill. But anyhow, just make sure you watch it at least once before you die. You have to. Seriously. You dun know what you're missing.

Then after the show, we managed to loiter around ~~see if can hook up with hot and rich ang moh tourist~~ to snap pictures. And i snap shitloads of pics of the giant lip lap lip lap lulian that Singapore is ever so proud of. Thank God it doesn't smell like real lulian.

Orh....and i get to see the infamous Merlion statue for the first time. So sampat lor. Go Singapore for the umpteenth time but never see Merlion before. Ha ha ha ha! Although there's nothing to hoo haa about, at least i now can tell people i see the Merlion before lor kan.

Oh....got funny story during the show also. You know the ticket so mahai I have to sell my left kidney, pawn all my panties and use up my life savings just so Lau Niang can afford the cheapest seat. And to my horror, there was this family of hooligans from Korea sitting next to us. Bad enough the seat are obstructed view; we sat at the 3 floor and I had to tilt my head so low to look at the other side of the stage, people thought i trying to commit suicide in Esplanade lei. Choi.

Nabeh, those Koreans were laughing LOUDLY and get this- the kids were playing catching in the balcony whilst the kanineh mother and grandmother/mother-in-law/old ku niang were chatting HAPPILY away....ignoring the kids. I'm telling you....God must have created the Korean race to punish the human beings you know. I'm not anti Korean but this is a proven fact. Korean students in my school are no less different also. Same attitude only. Kesimpulannya, you put Koreans anywhere around the world they'll still be the same. The should be shot at sight.

So what happen? All of us marched up together to the usher to complain about the Korean family and what is the Usher's statement?? "Oh i'm so sorry but they're like that because they're not Singaporeans. They're from Korea". KELASSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mak suker mak suker!!!! Tetap nak jaga image orang sendiri. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Apa lagi...merk demand upgrade okeh! And we terus dapat. We pretended to be late comers and the usher showed us to the more high crass seats and that's where we finish the 2nd half of the show...having triple orgasms at the ending. Ha ha ha ha!

And now let me reveal the real struggle of the trip prior to the show. Looking for hotel. Because we spent every dime on the ticket oledi kan, so we have to sleep in cardboard boxes by the park.

No of coz i'm kidding. But jokes aside, that was put into consideration. Struggle kiter kena rounding Singapore siap bawak bag bag lagi cari hotel. Last last we found this reasonably affordable backpacker's lodge somewhere in Bugis.

I never so adventure before lor. I have 3 aunties in Singapore i tell you. One of them kaya raya tinggal bungalow lagi okeh. So i never had to stay in hotels every time i go S'pore before. This time kiter travelling ngan sisters so we join in the fun lah kan katanya.

All this while, i had this weird phobia over backpackers lodges. I never been in one before so i can only imagine like 20 strangers sleeping together in a dilapidated dorm on double decker beds. Then if you very lucky you get balding, fat greasy ang moh uncle sleeping on the upper bunk of your bed with the matress 2 inches away from your face and you pray all night long that he doesn't fart. Only to discover that he hangs his loose brown stained G strings around by the bed rails. You forgotten to pray about that. Then the shared toilet got 30 rotund balding ah peks with dangling balls showering in the open, you kena bogel bogel in front of them also.

Eeeek....mak tak rela lah nyahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

But in reality, its not as horror lah. Ha ha ha. The mind does scary things to people sometimes. So we managed to book a private double room. No need to share room with fat greasy uncles. Yay! Still have to share toilets though. But the toilet no horror also lah. Its exactly like house toilet concept lor. You enter and lock the door, you have the toilet to yourself. No need to bathe with 30 strangers. Yay yay yay!!! But as clean as the toilet was, you know me and strange toilets lah kan. I so kesian lor...lau niang never pang sai at all in Singapore lei. Come back terus sit on toilet for half hour bontot like play doh factory make long strips of plastecine. Very long.

And out bedroom is so cute lor. Its so tiny and cosy...looks exactly like my ex tiny little matchbox Polly Pocket bedroom.

See so cute kan!

But the hallways are kinda creepy though. And there's so many of them. Hallways leading to the toilet. Hallways leading to the exit. Hallways leading to the reception. And they're all so long and dim. And eerily quiet. I always make sure i get an early bath and do all my business in the day time. Dun wanna be bumping into singing ladies with long hair and nails dressed in flourescent white couture.

Oh and we had to stay in a different hotel (hotel katanya) with Perky coz the "hotel" fully book kononnya. And you should see the hotel Perky got. So 70s i tell you! You see the lobby.....i'm still laughing at it.

How antique is that?!?!? I think my has mom has a picture with my dad sitting on similar furnitures....back when they we're still dating! And would you just check those lamps....

Swankified!! Oh the lift is paling horror. This particular hostel actually uses those lift that has the metal grill gate. You actually need a lift operator to open the gate for you so you cannot get in the lift alone. I'm shocked that it's still existed. Lebih horror than the lift from Dark Water can.

And one other thing. Oh i have so many one other things in this post. I flipped through the yellow pages in the hotel room and i never realized how entertaining the yellow pages of Singapore is. They actually have a category entitled "escorts" and its fun filled with COLOURED pages of sexy fake ANIMATED AIRBRUSHED women with the tackiest company names! Its so funny i just have to show you.

But i purposely cut off the numbers so that all the boroi horny uncles who jerks off at cartoon drawn women cannot call the company and say they get the number from this blog hor. Please ah.

Is it just me or is that Mariah Carey in Purple???

Secret Victoria......HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

OMG...that's a really good one!! All in all, i've watch the best musical in this trip and this has been the most fun trip to Singapore i've had as well. Gegurls....biler nak pigi lagi?

Before that lets have a jual pantat fund raising party so that we can stay in hotel rakyat jelata macam Sheraton or Continental next time. No need to stay in Polly Pocket rooms.

Oh my god....how long have i been ranting? I'm finally done. Don't you just feel happy after right after you finish blogging? Its like those after-sex euphoria huh.

Ok i better go now. Too much info opps.

Larrrriiiikkk........

Good Friday in Melaka

2008-04-04T10:58:00.004+08:00

Hi everyone.....gosh has it been that long. I am so so fucking bz at work can. No more time for Youtubes, blogging, chatting and even ehm...nap time. I think God is trying to drop me giant hints to repent and start doing my job for once.

So this long delayed post is gonna be about Good Friday in Melaka. No i'm not refering to TGIF okeh. This is the Jesus punyer Good Friday. I think he died on this day or something. And yes i'm Catholic. I hope i wont be sent to hell for posting Good Friday posts like a week after the celebration. Soulful event. Mourning. Hmm....whatever.

So besides chicken rice ball and satay celup, the quaint little sleepy hollow town of Melaka is also actually famous for its Good Friday celebration. Every year on April 13. No wait. Is it 13? eh no. its March kan? omg. When is good friday again? ANYWAYS. Every year on Good Friday this dead town of Melaka would spring to life with throngs of devotees from all over the place who comes here just to worship. The place of worship?

This.

This is the St Peter church of Melaka. If i'm not wrong it happens to be the oldest church in Malaysia also. Built in 1710 katanya. Melaka is famed for having the oldest everything. Dunno why. You see the crowd? Beribu-ribu lemon okeh. See....the church would be FILLED with people all day long since 6am. There'll be several masses in several languages. All catholics would normally fast or at least abstain from eating meat on the day. Lau Niang fasted also you know. FASTED okeh. Never eat all day long tau. Tu kat KL lah...but hor by the time i struggle struggle balik Melaka i so hungry i TERmakan nasi lemak.

But never mind. Jesus forgives. Hmm.

Anyway...the higlight of the whole event has to be the evening mass. It is being celebrated in the most solemn traditional way year after year. No Good Friday will be complete with its signature candle light procession.

See, people would light up candles outside the church and when it gets dark, the whole church would be luminous with a sea of candle flames. Very the klass. But hor...personal tip. Dun wear slippers please. And if you have long hair, tie it. Why? Coz i like to drip candle wax on people's foot and see them jump and i love dripping wax on people's hair. Nasiblah who stand in front of me kan.

Siau meh. You think i so nasty ah. But i kena before lor. Damn pain okeh!

It gets even more exciting when the procession starts. I tell you this church has one of the oldest (again) and the most realistic looking statues. If you look close up, the details are very intricate and it used to scare me when i was little. Lemme show you what i mean.

See this is the statue of the weeping Mother Mary. For all non christians, Mother Mary is the mother of Jesus lah. Yes, i'm pretty sure bout this one. On regular days, she's dressed in purple. This is her Good Friday couture dress. Black velvet with lip lap lip lap sequins. Kelass okeh. And she's tall okeh. This statue is at least 7 foot tall. Did i mention that she's tall?? The wardens would carry it on their shoulders and walk around the churh. And this statue would be behind another glorious statue. The dead body of Christ statue. What is it?

This lah. This statue is suppose to depict the state of the dead Christ right after he was taken down from the Cross that he was crucified to. Again, it has very very intricate details; right up to the wounds from the crown of thorns and the pale complexion and everything. Before the procession, this statue will be put out and devotess would queue up crazy long lines to venerate the statue. Very long line...kalah hello kitty okeh. Then at night the wardens would carry it for the procession lor.

Oh and see....while i was busy snapping snapping....suddenly got very cute ang moh stand in front of me. Apa lagi....i snap also lah. See his face so cute. Look like Frodo kan kan. Oh my god i hope i wont be sent to hell for secretly slutting in curch on a Good Friday.

Okeh focus focus.

Next off, we have this flags or whatever thing they call it. It bears the picture of Jesus Christ and Mother Mary also. And these flag thingys are also part of the procession lah. I tell you a secret. You carry one of this flag and you on those scary mournful Gregorian chants you can scare the living daylights out of Mama Diva. Dunno why he's deathly afraid of crosses and gregorian chants. Dasar pontianak sejati. Ha ha ha ha!

So with all the glorios statues and giant flags lined up, you get a fantastic procession in Melaka once a year. Oh oh oh...i left out 1 part. Ha....you see the next pic.

This one is not statue okeh. This little girl in the cheapo pink dress ( why is she even in pink i dun understand. Jesus die wear pink. Can?!) is role playing the role of Veronica. Here, this watak Veronica is seen riduclously dressed in shocking Pink carrying the kain with muka Jesus in it. Oh man, i can SO out-veronica her. Gimme that dress i can pose lebih vas than her anytime. Rimas mak tengok...stand there with muka blank jer.

Story in the Bible has it say that she was there while Jesus carried his own cross and walked to the crucifixion site. Out of pity, she wiped Jesus' face with this wet facial tissue perisa Green Tea and miraculously his face was imprinted in the wet tissue. Today, this myth is famously known as the Shroud of Turin. This one merk tak goreng one okeh....really got one leh. Dun believe me you ask Jesus.

At the corner of the church, there's this little shrine of Mother Mary also. People would be seen lighting candles and praying intensely over the shrine.

And that's how the infamous Good Friday celebration is done in Melaka. If uols nak tengok yang real, come next year lah, and you might be lucky enough to spot a pair of Green Crocs with a red Digicam snapping furiously at everything.

Especially cute guys.

Ta.....

Strange Fruit @ The Eye on Malaysia

2008-02-20T08:53:00.007+08:00

Last weekend, I had the rare chance to watch this really one-of-a-kind dance performance held in Tasik Titiwangsa where the huge ass ferris wheel more widely known as Eye On Malaysia is held. This team from Australia gave such an interesting performance. They entitled the show "Strange Fruit" for some strange reasons. I dunno why. Hmm. But the best part about the show is what know.....its FREE!!! Mak suker mak suker!! YEah, its held in open air and everyone can tengok free engkau. You never go you lugis you knows.

They actually climbed up on bendy stilts and danced right on top; making it appear as if they were really flying. The performance was further enhanced with great lightings and very interesting costumes. All in white no less.

So the show started with all 6 dancers hiding in a huge huge huge white lantern thingy and they actually make the lanterns move in unison sequences. Combined with strong lightings, the effects were simply breathtaking as it kept on changing colours. Mak suker lah nyah!!

Isn't it super gorgeous? I snapped at least a million pictures i swear. Then soon enough, the dancers slowly popped out from the lantern one by one. And by some strange coincidence, i happen to be standing in front of a pondan gagah dancer. Look at him trying to be Thumbelina.

Mak Keyyyyyysaah tau!!!

However, i do have to give him credits for putting up such a great show. He's got really good balancing skills i tell you.

At the height of the show, we see all the dancers strutting their stuff in full force, dancing gayly looking all white against the dark sky. Makes me feel like Tinkerbell myself. I just can't tell you enough how pretty it looked!

Oh and after the show, there was this heck-what-do-you-call-it water and light show on the lake as well. Its those kind of things where they spray a fan of water in the middle of the lake and they project nice lightings and even pictures at the water. Its really quite interesting to see too.

Quite a view huh? And if you look at the following pic below, you can actually see a picture of a mountain in the spray of water there.

Everyone was so mesmerized by the sight of it. You can see huge crowd by the lakeside everywhere enjoying the whole show. Look at how fascinated Mama Diva was; shamelessly striking the Little Mermaid Statue pose; tengah berangan kat Anstredam lah tu.

Same not same not?? Kurang tetek ngan wig jer...

All in all, it really was a wonderful night of seeing colourful balls, witnessing huge ejaculations in the middle of the lake, watching people selling overpriced ice creams and pop corns and oh...lets not forget about those couples hiding behind the bushes in the middle of the night.

MAK SUUUUKKERR LAH NYAH!!!

Movie Review: Duyung

2008-02-14T10:38:00.003+08:00

Nope.

Not gonna happen.

Didn't catch it.

Why?

Coz i was tricked by Dan. Once again. Oh and he brought along another accomplice this time. Sapa tu? Why its none other than the infamous (?) Adrien....who claims that he blogs. I think blogging culture is becoming like Airasia kan. "Now Everbody Can Blog". Hmm.

See what happen was that they conveniently called me during my dinner last night and conveniently told me that they already conveniently bought tickets to a movie for me already and i have to conveniently meet them by 10pm. Best part is i don't even know what movie i'm about to watch.

So cibai lor right? I mean what if i'm not free or like i have a reeeeally important appoinment kan. Ok fuck it, who am i kidding.

And when i finally reach, naturally the 1st thing i did was to ask what movie are we watching lah right. Then only i said hi. And to my greatest horror, they pointed their paws at this:

What in gay hell.....I was so prepared to run home. I even threatened Adrien that i won't pay him my ticket money unless the movie is good. Memang keji tahap cipan, nyah! But thankfully, the movie turned out to be this isntead:

Well, ANYTHING'S better than Duyung right? Quite a good movie to catch ya'll. Kinda short though. 1.5 hours only. Inclusive of trailers and ads. Its like watching Pixar animation.

But still. I suppose the most impportant thing is getting chances to meet new friends lah kan. Friends are very important people in our lives and we should treasure our friends.

So yeah, it was really nice meeting you, what's-your-name-again?? Ha ha ha ha....kidding. Surely Adrien tengah cakar cakar monitor tarik rambut now.

Chill sistah :D

Oh, and Happy Valentines to ya'll love birds there.

Barbie Galore in One Utama

2008-02-11T07:54:00.000+08:00

On the week before Chinese New Year, (oh, Happy Chinese New Year to you all by the way) I was doing my regular snooping at all the display windows in One Utama. This time round, I saw the bestest thing ever. There’s this wedding package promotion going on and those oh-so-smart wedding people actually displayed samples of their wedding dresses not in pictures or albums…..but in dolls!!

Screw Barbie, man. All the dolls were vogueness and there were rows and rows and rows of them. I circled the displays at least 10 times (if not, more) and I couldn’t even blink once. I’m telling you, nothing comes between me and dolls. NOTHING.

I don’t care if I’m the only male(?) adult crowding amongst the throng of 7 year old girls dressed in shocking pink Barbie apparels from head to toe.

I don’t care if passing shoppers gave me weird stares while I was intensely snapping pictures of all the dolls like as if it were as hot as those Edison Chen scandal pics.

I don’t care if the promoters watched me circling the displays over and again like a hungry vulture ready to strike its dying prey. I had this evil plan of clobbering the innocent promoter to death and running away with ALL the dolls. Too bad I dun have a wheelbarrow or something to ferry all the dolls…..I would look kinda silly running around One Utama with a wheelbarrow of dolls too. But who gives a hoot!

I mean look at all these beauties…how can anyone just walk by without even looking at least!

They are so frilly!

So colourful!

So flowery!

So lacy!

So bling bling!!

So……DIVA!!!!

Oh my god if I owned this collection, I would quit my job immediately and finish my remaining lifetime playing with each and everyone of it! I’ll name all of them and I’ll build a huge ass doll mansion so they can all live together and have a catfight drama everyday…..just like American Top Model kan?

They’re gonna have an old fashioned English Tea Party eating plastic scones and cookies from little Bone China, lavish Balls every night, summer party by the pool, beauty pageants…..oh I’ve planned it all!!

I SO want them dolls…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kelantan Launches It's First Starbucks

2008-01-30T12:46:00.000+08:00

Anybody up for air moka ais kurang manis?

Shedding Blood In Dewan Filharmonik Petronas

2008-01-28T08:35:00.000+08:00

No there weren't any riots going on there. I paid a visit to DFP last thursday to watch a dance drama. I always go there to watch concerts only and i also had the chance to perform there once. Hik. Yeah it was a really great honour. But I've yet to watch a dance drama there so of course i was very excited.

The show for the night was entitled Raja Bersiong (which simply means "The Fanged Sultan" yeah, something like a male pontianak with royal blood. So diva.) This Raja Bersiong is actually a traditional Malay folklore.

In a nutshell, its about a palace maid who accidentally cut her finger while preparing a dish for the Sultan and her blood accidentally dripped into the dish. But the stupid maid still served the Sultan the dish anyway; and for some weird reasons, he actually tasted the blood and became addicted to it. Pfffttt. How can anyone get addicted to blood. I've tasted it myself before. Not that nice also. Can't the Sultan be addicted to nicer things?! Folklores are so stoopid sometimes.

So anyway, the Sultan then commanded the maid to drip blood into all his dishes. His cravings for blood got stronger until he started killing people to drink their blood and soon enough he grew fangs (oooh....SO SCARY!! I'm shivering in fear as i'm typing now. Pffttt); hence the unglamorous name Raja Bersiong. See the Raja Bersiong actor...so horror, padan the character.

So back to the show. As soon as i stepped into the hall, i was rather dissapointed to see the dull looking set. Whole damn thing was just symetrical patterns of brownish grey in colour. I've desigend better sets for my school production lor seriously. Only later i came to find out from friends saying that their set is memang those style all along one.

Thankfully, the performance made it all up to compensate the horror looking set. I was really blown away by the impressive soundtrack and the best part of the show has to be their superb choreography. The steps were an intricate blend of traditional and contemporary steps. The results? Fabulousness!! The steps were very creative and all the dancers were spot on. Hardly any visible mistakes and the main casts did a fantastic job as well. Tu lah power pondan katanyer. Fonen Fonens are natural dancers you know.

So am i going to support their next production?? DEFINATELY!! The price is also bloody reasonable lor. I got really really good seats for RM20 only. Anybody also can afford. And i think you ols should attend and expose yourselves too. To the culture and beauty of performing arts you pervert. Nobody hadap to see you naked in DFP lah. Except for you Ken Watanabe, my hemsem Mr. Chairman. I'd love to see you naked. Anywhere. Biler you nak beli Mizuagay mak??

Mak rela nyah...

The HL Milk Massacre

2008-01-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

Lau Niang: How old are you??

Chatter: 30

Lau Niang: Wah lau!! Why you look like 18?! You botox izzit? (I'm serious...the guy look bloody young!)

Chatter: Wah...why your mouth so bad one?

Lau Niang: This is me being very polite already. Consider yourself lucky i good mood tonight. So what's your secret? Share share lah.....

Chatter: Oh i drink milk every day. That's why my skin so smooth.....

Lau Niang: Milk??? Really ah?? Milk good for skin meh? I thought good for bones only. But my bones very healthy. Everyday i get boner also....

Chatter: Ha ha h aha!! You dun believe me you try yourself lah....

So......milk is good for the skin says the lil' birdie. If drink milk can cantik....mak rela, nyah. But how....i hate milk to my guts. Don't you think milk is damn smelly? You know why baby smells? Coz they drink milk. That's why.

So i sat down and think and think and think. There must be a way that i can swallow milk. Think, lau niang think..........DING!! There's actually a brand that i can digest.

*Feels excited and runs to the nearest Kiosk*

TADAA!! Susu lemak rendah jenama HL. This milk got vanilla taste and its not smelly like other brands one. Yay.....i'm a drinking HL everyday and Lau Niang is going to be chantik like Ms World soon.

*Pours milk into a tiny cup to test test water*

Yeeech.....why the milk yellow yellow one?! Is it expired?? Is this condensed milk?? I bought wrongly ker? Since when HL got condensed milk one?

* Drinks yellow milk in 1 gulp anyway*

Dies a miserable death....poisoned.

*Checks milk carton thoroughly*

Tiu nia sing KNNCCB WTF!!!! Banana flavoured milk?! What the heck is banana milk?! And look at how they labeled the box....just printed on one tiny corner....who would have noticed?! Damn bloody misleading lor!!

What if i'm allergic to bananas?! I can die you know. Mr. HL should have printed a huge ass banana picture on the box and put a for-fear-factor-lovers-only warning on it!

Not only i was conned of my RM4.90, i nearly died of poisoning some more. So horror okeh. Cis cis cis....never ever buy anything with banana in it. Bananas are meant to be ~~sucked~~ eaten raw!

so umm......i have 3/4 box of banana milk left.....anyone interested???

Perhaps Love (?)

2008-01-07T08:06:00.000+08:00

Hello u ols.......sorry i was late a few mins for my current post. Lau Niang so busy lately. You know, with all the festive seasons on and off all the time, shopping can be a very daunting task you know. Kerja Mak shopppppping jer....no time to eat even. I is busy woman on the run gitue.

So this would my 1st post for the year 2008. Nice nice. I think most of everyone should have a "Happy New Year" post on 1st Jan then they would go what's-my-resolution and what not; all those stuff......so boring kan. Opps. No offence there.

On the contrary, i'd like to take one last look back at year 2007 as it was a rather dramatic year for me. I mean of course everyday is full of drama for me lah, but 2007 has been extra drama for me because so many drama took place last year and i kena so many drama and i know you fully understand exactly what i mean so i know you won't ask any further questions and just keep on reading thankyouverymuch.

Last year, the biggest slap to me has to be my break-up with my ex. For you new readers out there, it has been more or less of a year since my last relationship that lasted 3 beautiful years. It really was beautiful while it lasted but i suppose all good things eventually comes to an end....to me at least. As much as we sometimes hope that relationships will last forever, sometimes....shit happens. And you can't shove it back up your arse anymore once its out. Yeah you get the gist.

I know....i've been raking this up every now and then. Truth is, i could never really let go of him. It's not easy for me to fall for someone.....and its 10 times harder for me to let go of someone. Perhaps it's a sagitarian thing. I'll never know for sure. There's not a day that passes without me thinking of him somehow or rather. But at least, it no longer hurts as much. That's my only comfort.

But sometimes, the big guy up there works in really mysterious ways. I loose a lover, i gained more friends. Besides my divine sisterhood who stood by me through thick and thin (God bless them) I somehow had the previledge to meet many other fellow bloggers who eventually ends up with us being best buddies. Or should i say many other bloggers had the previldege to meet me in person. More diva that way kan.

You know, we bloggers are really nice people. I've yet to meet up a nasty blogger in person; like those nutcases from the gay chatrooms and profile websites who can only think of humping and more humping tau. Opps terlepas secret scandals plak.

So yeah, i got to know many nice people out there through blogging. Who says blogging is a waste of time....mak apom kau baru tau. There's just too many names to list down here and i dun wanna be a bastard to leave out a single name. I know i would be pissed if people left me out. But hor, bloggers here very forgiving one also you know. Sometimes i meet meet bloggers and i dun even know who they are....and then i go "Hey how you know me ah??" So blonde kan. Happens all the time......but u ols out there wont keysah so much kan. Ha ha ha ha!

The year 2008 definitely promises a lot of new challenges. I now have to teach a new subject. My 1st lesson is in 2 hours time and i dun have a single clue of what to teach. I'm supposed to be researching my lesson and here i am ranting. Mampos mak.

Also, i have decided to further my studies and pursue a masters. To add more shit, my beloved lecturers have recommended my name to the university senate to pursue a full research proggrame instead of doing courseworks which is relatively easier.

There's also a few huge ass mega projects coming up in which i will reveal when the right time comes. With so many things at hand, i definitely have to upgrade my balls to make sure i don't die standing....ball-less. Sure its a lot of work, but i'm actually excited to be trying so many new things. I just hope i won't screw up so much.

Along the way this year, i hope i will continue to make more nice friends and who knows....perhaps find new love.

So here's to everyone....Happy Fucking New Year!!

Dah.....mak kena prepare lesson now.

Jangan kacau.

Shooting Ping pongs in Patpong

2007-12-17T16:56:00.000+08:00

The long long long long awaited post.......night life in Bangkok. Sorry for the long wait lah nyah, mak ~~lazy~~ busy tau. Ops. As mentioned, i was with 3 female colleagues during this trip. So no gay bars and agogo boys for me this time. Huh huh.....only got kipap bar jer. Allergic mak. Ha ha ha!

But still it was quite a fun experience no less. Really an eye opener.

So this is Patpong area. Really looks like a mini Vegas there....only thing there's no casinos. Only made up of titty bars. I had the manager of my school canteen's company toured the 4 of us there. Really an awkward company. But what the heck.

My first visit to a titty bar. Man i have so much to bitch i dunno where to start. Being teachers, naturally the girls have never been to such places, and the closest thing i've been to compared to this are gay bars. And they're quite different i tell you. Oh we were such virgins there. Ooh-ing and aah-ing at all the lights and women.

Then we went to what people would call a ping pong show there of course. The women there would pull all kinds of horror stunts wif their kipap to wow all the horny ang moh audiences. I tell you, Dean Cain should have been there to do a coverage for Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

So we went in to this bar like an hour earlier before the show started. We ordered our boozes and had a little chit chat whilst all the girls were just gyrating in skimpy bikinis around the poles on the stage. Me and my hags were busy commenting on how flat that girl's boobs are, or how the other girl on the right looks like an elephant seal.

Got one girl winked at me and try to main mata i buat duh only. She must be so disspointed. Sorry lah nyah, mak allergy kipap.

And finally the show started. Its quite a freakshow. Really. All the performing girls took their turn to go up on stage to do their stunts. And all of them would start off with a lil' dance and then they would roll down their lil' panties and tie it into a cute lil knot on either side of their thighs. So pro. All of us was so impressed. One of my colleauges told me she wanna learn also. Ha ha ha!

So the 1st girl went up.....with no props. And we were wondering what she gonna do. To our horror, she pulled out a string of blades from her fefet! And its not just 1 or 2 blades...a string of it! And to further prove its real, she slashed some papers with random pieces of the blades. I could clearly hear some girls squealing in horror.

Then suddenly the whole bar went pitch black and those blue UV lights were turned on. This girl in white bikinis; looking all so flourescent came up the stage and pulled out ribbons from her fefet. And they were flourescent ribbons! She pulled and she pulled and she pulled. I dunno how many metres she had inside there. It was so long she can actually tie around 4 poles and make a huge flourescent web!

Then got christmas special. They really announced one. This girl actually pulled out a string of lighted christmas balls from her papap. And they were thorny! And there so many other stunts. One could stuff a pen in and write your name. Another can blow whistle with it. Then came one who shoved a tube in it and inserted darts to shoot and balloons and blow off birthday cake candles.

Then at long last, came the sex shows. We were all so excited to see people having sex on stage. Turn out it was so hilarious. First there was a regular straight couple. The man is so old and horror but his body still ok lah. He was so horror my colleagues were laughing out loud at him. I couldn't help laughing either.

Both the man and woman looked so bloody bored when they were having sex. If that's what you can even call it. The man can even look left and right at the audience while humping the girl. And the girl was rolling her eyes waiting for it to be over the whole time. Such a turn off lor. And to make our money worth we stayed back to watch repeats. And the very same couple came out again. To my shock, they did everything in the same sequence! Step by step all properly choreographed. No wonder they were so bored. Ha ha ha!

Then came the lesbian sex. They just went on stage and made out. The normal fondling and tit kissing all those regulars lah. But they ended the show with a bang. Literally. As the grand finale, the 2 women banged their tits and tummy together, creating a really loud POP. EVerybody was bursting in laughter i tell you. So funny.....even after the show we pop pop pop everywhere and just laugh ourselves silly.

After the whole show, there were girls lining outside the bar, waiting to be picked up by horny uncles some more. Very good marketing strategy lor.

I remember last year i had a personal encounter. So horror. My gay fren took me to an empty titty bar just out of curiousity. Why is it empty? Coz its smack in the middle of a gay district. How stupid is the boss. Then got this 40+ aunty who did a personal show for us; coz we're the only customers there. Ha ha ha!

She inserted a banana inside her fefets yang longgar oledi ( it was so effortless to put in!) and she aimed and shot the freaking banana at me! Once again, there was a loud pop. I tried to elak but still kena my green crocs. So geli lor. Then she came down; still without her panties on....and ask tip from me. With her fanny like 2 inches away from my nose.

I was so panicked i din know what to do. I just gave her 20 baht. That's like a measly rm2 here. Ha ha ha ha! She so geram at me she stomped her foot and spoke in thai. I think she was cursing me. She showed the money to the mamasan and everyone laughed at her.

I was so scared i left without even finishing my beer........

Next up: Lau Niang goes for a massage. Jeng jeng jeng...............

Shopping Frenzy in Bangkok

2007-12-05T12:39:00.000+08:00

Hello people, lau niang got another travelogue this time. Forgot to tell you, lau niang went to the mystical land of Bangcock for the past 5 days. Acelly hor….this is my second trip there. So this time round….i had to play tour guide to my 3 other colleagues who have never been there. Me……the famed ratu sesat…..a tour guide.

Horror!!!

Anyways, Bangkok has always been my all time favourite place for shopping. You get malls like Siam Paragon and Gaysorn ( dun ask me why the name like that) which is more atas than our KLCC. Siam Paragon is so atas it actually has a Lamborghini boutique….that sells the cars! I’m not talking bout’ key chains and notepads here. If you have enough money you can even buy the Lamborghini cash and carry. Macam like Tesco like that.

Lau Niang sempat shopping there also. Mak kan diva. Shopping kat Paragon tau. See my little Paragon bag?

Don’t underestimate this little bag you know. I spent 800 baht for this bag tau. But I won’t reveal what’s in it. Secret. You guess….ha ha ha!

I was fortunate enough to see all the malls nicely decorated for Christmas already this time round. And when you’re in atas atas malls, everything is so voge de vass! Meltetops okeh. Visiting the lingerie department is of coz….compulsary for me. And the mannequins there…meletops gila babs okeh. SO DIVA!!

See what I mean? You dun see things like this in Malaysia you know. There’s another set of 3 mannequins striking a Charlie’s Angels pose in the kinkiest lingerie you ever seen. I tried posing with Charlie’s Angels but 1 of the mannequin collapsed on me when I sat on the platform. I quickly ran away. Jatuh kemaluan mak…..MAAAALLUUU!!!

Then there’s malls and street markets that sells really reeeaaally dirt cheap…..everything. You name it, clothes, bling blings, lingeries, souvenirs….they have it all. The mother of all cheap bargain malls has to be….MBK of course! Ha ha ha ha!

I bought many many cheap tees there and then I ventured to a new area….the infamous Pratunam. I haven’t had a chance to go there on my last trip so I made it a point to go there this time round. And man was I shocked. The things there are even cheaper and on top of that you can even bargain prices.

Women would die happily there. You get the latest trend of handbags, dresses, accessories…in rather good quality no less. And everything is so so so dirt cheap. I bought a few nice tops for my sister there too. Got this very nice halter neck.

Matilah mak drag dalam blog sendiri. Sure my sister tension if she knows she’s getting hand-me-downs. Ha ha ha ha! I bought this other sleek black mini cheongsam. I wish I can show you a pic here. I could fit in to the little black dress but I couldn’t zip up!

Uggghh…..gotta cut down on those tom yams there.

And for myself, oh I bought so so so so many things. I tell you I spent all my fortune in Pratunam and MBK. Just look at the anount of things I bought….ha ha ha!

Crazy innit? And mind you, this is ONLY my day 2 collection. I bought 2 more sling bags and more work clothes, another belt and another bling bling chain later on. But I so malas to camwhore already. My luggage bag is so horror now I dare not even unpack it. Ha ha ha!

Okies….i’m already late for my afternoon nap appointment. Watch out for the next part of this post: Lau Niang got a Thai Massage and visits Pat Pong!!

Orgy in Sekeping Serendah

2007-11-26T12:55:00.000+08:00

What happens when you watch Titanic 5 times in a row?

You get sick.

What happenes when Senario releases a new film and earns 5 million from local market?

You get sick.

What happens when you get too excited over the school holidays and you sleep too late; wake up too early?

You get sick.

That's what happened to lau niang and that's why i was away for quite a while. I was bedridden and i nearly died from my fever. And i was SO SO SO afraid i couldn't make it for this trip. I was sick right till the very day before the trip but thankfully, my fever dispersed right on time. So i made it for this trip right in the nick of time. If not, Dan would me cursing me to my grave if i tell him last minute i too sick to go. Ha ha ha!

So what's this trip about?

Oooh.....its a raunchy 1 day camp at sekeping serendah. 6 fairy bloggers in a glass shed, surrounded by NOTHING but trees. So erotic and exotic kan.......it was! Ha ha ha ha!

I think its located somewhere near Rawang. And my.....Rawang is such a God fearing place i tell you. Even God fears the people of this town. Look what i saw as i was in the car, on the way to the campsite:

That's one hell of a reminder for people to to worship.

When i first heard of the plan and this thing about glass sheds.....i was like....glass? Why glass? What are glass sheds??!

I finally knew what it meant when i saw the place myself. Take a look:

The house is LITERALLY made of glass. Seriously. Glass every where. All four walls. Glass.

See i'm not joking. You can fucking see everything inside out. If you're thinking of coming here to have sex, forget it. Baboons and stray dogs will come and watch you and copy all your positions; maybe even jeer at you.

And there are no doors either. The whole house is made of glass panels. Unlockable latchless ones. I nearly fell to my death when i tried to lean against one of the windows upstairs. The window just flew open the minute i rested my back on it. Haiyor.....die already also dunno. So scary mary!

But nevertherless, its really a nice quaint little place. Fanstastic view of mother nature in all its glory. There's so much green its almost surreal. I felt like i was in a fantasy porn movie. With little nymphs humping on tree branches and naked water fairies bathing by the river kinda thing you know.

But i did see dragonflies fucking by the pool though. That's the closest i got. Hmm.

No doubt the view is fantastic in the daytime. But don't fucking ask me how it looks like at night. I will slap you. I swear. Unlockable glass panels. Pitch black night. Shillouette of trees with giant branches and dangling vines swaying against the cold wind at night. No curtains to close anything.

I tell you its the perfect spot for a horror movie. Just by sitting on the couch against all the glass panels looking out into the dark wilderness outside, i can make up at least 20 pontianak stories already. So horror. But thankfully nothing happen.

To add to the horror, lemme give you a tour to the toilet. Its located OUTSIDE the house and its VERY exposed. You sit on the toilet bowl to crap; you look up....TREES. And the shower is very conviniently and nicely located FACING the staircase inside the house; seperated by....... a glass panel. Very very good feng shui. So yes people, you sit by the stairs, grab a bag of pop corn and have a fantastic view of your frens bathing.

I am not kidding.

Of course i didn't peep! What you lau niang is pervert izzit....where can peep frens one. Yer! This shot is courtesy of Froggy who is more than kind enough to model for us just to show how horror the toilet is. Ha ha ha!

Daytime flew by quite fast. There were so much to do. We prepared for a barbeque for dinner. There's a BBQ pit provided in the umm....courtyard of the house.

I wonder how many people died in that pot.

Anyway, BBQ are always fun. Don't we all love to burn things? Ha ha ha!

There were so much food we couldn't finish it all. Thank god Maria was there to give a helping hand. I mean paw. Meet Maria.....our new brown kudis infested friendly neighbour with 10 dangling tits:

We had time to swim before preparing for the BBQ too. The pool was another glorious sight. Located like 5 mins walk away from our campsite it looked very zen and very....Bel Ami.

Let your minagination run wild people!

What happens when you have 6 fairies in a pool all to themselves? You get a scene from the Mermaid Lagoon in Peter Pan of course. I splash you, you splash me see who is the most gedik.

Unfortunately, i couldn't jump in the water like the others. Not in my just-got-well condition. Can't risk getting sick again. Did i mention how fucking cold the water was? Its like fridge water! But of course i too, had my share of fun.

Oh this is so fun!

I wish i can post more pool picks here but the rest are just too scandolous. I just can't. Not with all the nipple pinching and groping arounds. Ha ha ha!

But in the end....how can i possibly stay away from the water. I'm Little Mermaid reincarnated. I'm DRAWN to water. So what happens? More camwhoring ensued. And here's our signature "3 tatooed maids" shot again:

Night time was a lil' trying. You see, there's no TV or Astro tau. Only trees to look at. If you dare. Gulp.

BUT......no fear. Thank God for the invention of.....TWISTER!!

Ha ha ha.....that sure provided us hours of fun and most importantly, it was a great distraction from the exposed windows and swaying trees outside. Ha ha ha! And so we twisted the night away till everyone was fast asleep.

When dawn broke, it was time to pack up and leave. But before we left, there's still time fore....more camwhoring! Ha ha ha!

I sure had one whacky birthday this year....... :D

Diva goes to Zoo Negara

2007-11-14T17:16:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make here. I'm really really emberassed to admit that i have never been to the National Zoo as a loyal (?) citizen of Malaysia. Having said that, a very very thoughtful friend of mine took the gesture to visit the National Zoo last deepavali. So why only now i post? Coz i ~~lazy~~ busy lor. Uhmm. yeah.

YAY!!! I'm finally going to the zoo! I couldn't sleep a wink at all the previous night.

And when the big day arrived, the weather was just fabulous.

No of course it din rain (else this would have been a bloody angry post by now) lah. The weather was really fantabulous. It only rained when we were leaving. So lucky hor!

So there i was; at the entrance of the zoo, in a fabulous weather no less. And this was the very 1st animal i spotted there.

Well....it was deepavali after all. So its only natural they put a themed bird at the entrace to attract visitors. Oh there's another white peacock actually. But it was shoving its butt at my face the whole time i REFUSED to snap its pic. Dunno how to pose at all. Stoopid bird.

Moving on, we went to the nearest section; the bird section. I searched high and low for Hugh Jackman or Ken Watanabe's bird but i was let down. Instead i saw all these colour colourful birds.

They'd make a nice hat for Queen Elizabeth to wear for her cute lil' English Tea Parties though. Moving on, i saw more birds. Seriously, their bird section is rather impressive. They have quite a huge variety.

This....is not a joke. This seriously loooks like a horror scene from Resident Evil. Remember those Zombie crows?

Someone could actually die you know. All the birds are actually not caged! They're free to fly and roam free around that huge ass lake. So horror!

But nothing is as horror as the next animal i saw lor. It really sent chills to my bone ok.

Blue chickens. I dun care if they're blue or shocking pink. A bloody chicken is still a bloody chicken. Fucking horror can. Thank god my fren is still looking at the storks; else i would have jumped on him and made a scene. Shit....i sure hope those fences have 1000000 watt electric. Fry them chickens if they even dare come near the fence!!

I ran off to the next section at the sight of that bloody chicken. That freaked me out enough. I dun care what other birds they have there.

Straight ahead was where all the giant cats are. Hmmm...anything's better than chickens. I saw the lion. Its in such a sad looking state.

Tsk tsk tsk......see how anorexic the lion is. Its.....its...Ally McBeal! On an Aspen diet! If you see the lion in real, its even worse lor. You can actually see the rib cage and the poor thing just walk to and fro aimlessly....waiting for Thy Kingdom to come. And check out the pathethic mane. So little hair. What happened??! Someone sponsor the lion a lil' hair extension please. Even my ku ku ciau got more hair than his mane lor. Sad sad sad......

The tigers was a nicer sight to see though.

See?? The tigers look so much more healthier right? I think the zookeeper either hates the lion or he has a scandal with the tiger ala Black Sheep movie lor. And i was lucky enough to see the feeding session. It was so fascinating to see the tiger eating. Same like house cat waiting for food only.

Then i saw Cheetah. Or is it a leopard?? whatever.

This stupid cheepard is more diva than lau niang. I swear. You know the cage is actually equipped with a ncie landscaping. Its not as pathethic as the pic lah. Seriously. There's trees and nicely arrnaged logs for the cheepard to climb around. Very spacious too.

but NOOOOOOOO. Instead, the cheepard chose to deliberately squat under this shabby shade just to stay away from the sun can? Omg so bloody diva i can die you know. *Roll eyes and flips hair*

Moving on, i saw bats as well. Huge ass ones. Again, the bats are allowed to fly freely in a closed compund. When you enter the big cage/room, its just you and the bats. No barrier. Thank god i wasn't attacked.

So what happens when you go to the zoo with a Diva? you get statements like...

"Hmm.....this door looks closed. *twirls hair and pouts lips* can you like....do something about it??"

(friend is busy taking pics while i stood behind waiting) ".....i'm bored. .....Can we go already??"

I know....i'm so so unbelievable. And my friend turut only....poor guy kena bully from lau niang. Ha ha ha ha!

So we moved on and saw many more animals.

Who's up for a bareback session? ha ha ha ha!!

Then i saw this huge ass orang utan that has braids! How cool is that? Look exactly like WHoopi Goldberg lor!

There's also this weird look bear/goat/cow/i-dunno-wtf -izzit animal. From Australia i think. Anyone knows the name? For now i'll just call them....Susie. So here are all the Susies i saw. So many Susies!

There's even this cow with a gorgeous bikini tan. So jeles tau....

Then came the reptile section. Such a let down. Their snake species are so little and common. I've seen more snakes in a pet shop lor. I dun even bother to take pics. Nothing diva also. Worst part is they dun even have crocodiles. How sad is that?? This tiny caimen is the closest thing i saw that resembled a crocodile. So sedihs lor....

Then they had a bee exhibition also. They were selling honey, explaining bee species, showing bee hives and other things. Is this a Bee Movie promotion?

Whatever it was, it certainly brought back bad memories! No more fucking bees for me. I very nearly more wanted to scream and overturn all the displays they had there. I need to avenge myself!

Oh my god.....

I've been ranting for more than 3 hours? This sure is a fucking long post. Ha ha! From his face, i can tell Mama Diva is hungry already.

Gotta go now.Cheerios......

p/s: once again, i gatta thank my friend for bringing me to the zoo, buying the tickets for me, getting me a secret recipe breakfast in case i get hungry ( I know. I'm so so diva *flips hair*) and most of all.....putting up with my diva antics. Thank you thank you thank you. Muacks. Ha ha ha!

Black And White: A Miracle

2007-11-05T21:40:00.000+08:00

Photo Hunters: Classic

2007-11-03T12:33:00.000+08:00

The theme for this week's photohunter is classic. And i have the most interesting picture to share with all of you which is nicely related to the theme. How wonderful. Ha ha ha!

During my trip to Langkawi island, i visited Mashuri's tomb. Mashuri is a well known legendary tale and it's famous tal is still widely known amongst the local community. In the masoleum everything, was kept in its original authentic form so that visitors will have a gist of what was life like back in they years when Mashuri was still alife.

I came across some very classic gadgets used for farming. A really interesting sight.

Apart from that, even local delicacies are being sold and they are prepared in its original classic way as well! Really authentic!

Sign Up For Pay Per Post Now!

2007-11-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

What could be a greater joy than getting paid for doing the things you love most? If you are reading this, you are definitely a blog whore. Aren’t we all blog whores? I’m a huge ass one! So all of us blog whores should sign up for Pay Per Post!

Get all the details here: blog ethics and start earning moolahs just by blogging. Heck, if you’re gonna blog, might as well make some earnings out of it right? Heh heh!

So don’t say I never share good things with you hor. I was recommended to this site by another fellow blogger as well and it sure rocks! I now have one more reason to blog. Pay Per Post sure makes blogging activity a more rewarding activity. I have never turned back the minute I signed up for it and I’m a wanting more…no regrets! Ha ha ha!

With Pay Per Post, you get to know more fellow bloggers; both local and international ones and have your nice lil’ blog more exposure to the world outside. Want higher not? I see you nodding like crazy. Ha ha ha!

So what you waiting for? Sign up for Pay Per Post now and start earning money the fun way!

P Ramlee meets Michael Wong

2007-10-30T20:08:00.000+08:00

Wow....i own a blog? Sheeessh.....i nearly more forgotten. Ha ha ha ha!!

No lah i just telling jokes. Jokes only lah. I like telling jokes.

That's how geli Douglas Lim was in P Ramlee musical. He played one of the cheesy Shaw Brothers.

So here's me this time: Lau Niang sorly sorly so long never do homework here lor!

These few weeks has been really crazy for me. Hence the slacking in my blogging. As the year end approaches, tis' the time for all the farking anal variety concerts lah, the Hari Raya Concert lah, the prize giving day lah, the cheedren day lah....machiam machiam. Can die okeh. Soooma pun i jadi coordinator. Botak my rambut 7 tingkat you knows. In this 2 weeks alone i have 4 shows to manage.

I can farking die.

So apart from loosing sleeping and blogging time at work, of coz i got a lot of invites also lah. That's my nights ALSO taken. Ceh...invites gitue. Diva konon lah. But its true lor, i really was INVITED.

Friday was P Ramlee day with poporoot. The show was....was....was fabooloos lor. Nothing much i can say here. Not after the super long analytical review and in depth critiques poporoot wrote on his blog. Go read lor. Jeles tak i got gambar Siti??

On the other hand, i have more to say on the SECOND show i watched on the following sunday. Yup, that's 2 show in a weekend for you. Amek engko. Naturally i was invited as well. heh heh...

So this show is somewhat like a chinese cultural show kinda thing that was held in Bukit Jalil. I didn't know what to expect there. I just went for the love of free tickets and live performances.

Only later did i realize that Michael Wong and Erra Fazira is going to appear as well. So you can imagine the crowd lah. This is the first time i saw Michael Wong performing. Not that i'm a huge fan, but i have to say he's a rather good singer. He has very good control of the songs he sings.

Have a look see....

It's crazy. I heard the crowd were over 40 000 strong. And all chinese. Poporoot would have died happily there. Mak larri ke China sorok bawah Great Wall dolu. The show itself was so extravagant. So many millions were invested and it was really grand to an obsecene scale.

I'm talking about having 50 lion dancers to welcome the VIPs kind of grand here. Would you just look at the stage? Unfortunately, i wasn't too happy with the venue. The stadium is so bloody huge and that made the stage look so tiny. The audience seat were like 1000000 miles away from the stage can? VIP aundience had chairs in the middle area closer to the stage.

But hor.....padan muka they alls. Halfway through the show, it started raining and they were drenched wet. To my amusement, i saw the audience scurrying all over the place like chickens. Umbrellas popped everywhere and get this: disposable rain coats where given out.

Everyone putted the rain coats on; they looked like human condoms. See see see!

The whole time i was sitting comfortably in the shade camwhoring, laughing at the silly VIP audiences and enjoying my cup of sweet corn. Seeing them is more fun than the show. Ha ha ha!

Lau Niang is memang keji. Ha ha ha ha ha........!

Catherine Tate - Crazy Bitch

2007-10-23T22:14:00.000+08:00

Ya'll gotta see this. She's freakishly racist, rude and so insensitive . I LOVE HER!

Children's Poop Story

2007-10-22T13:19:00.000+08:00

As i was browsing for children titles in the library to do my story telling in class....i came across this most peculiar book. I snapped ALL the pages for u ols to see. Have a good read.

Err.....and they pooped happily ever after??

I wonder how my kids and the class teacher were to react if i selceted this title to do my story telling. Now that's gotta be shitty. Pardon the pun.

Message of the story: Stay healthy. Poop everyday.

Reading this boook makes me feel like pooping too. So i'm a go poopin' some poops now.

Bye poops.

Hari Raya Bersama Lau Niang Live in Singapore!

2007-10-17T14:23:00.000+08:00

Holiday's over and now its back to work. Huu huuu huuu.....anyways, to all muslim readers; here's wishing you a Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir. Batin takder ye.

Before i start off today's rant, i just have a lil' follow up from my previous post. Project Husky tak jadi anymore!!!! Man was i so so so relieved! And before you can point finger at me calling me prodigal daughter anak derhaka and what not, i'll have you known that it was Dad who called it off okeh. Nothing to do with innocent me. Apparently the husky got no birth certificate. And dad's very particular birth certs. So no cert, no husky. Close call. Ha ha ha ha!

Right. Moving on. My Holidays. I think a long post is coming ahead so make sure you have some time for this. Ha ha ha. Lau Niang go to Singapore last Raya you know. And i sure had plenty of fun. Of course, this isn't my 1st trip there. I have a few relatives living there so i do go over ther every now and then. But normally the trips are so so so boring. Its so boring until i grow mushroom and cobwebs there you know.

But this time, i was determined to make a productive trip. No more loafing around aunty's house waiting for go home time. But before the fun begins, there's always the long excrutiating journey in he car. 3 adults and a princess crammed at the back seat for like what....4 hours??

YOU TRY!!!

In situations like these, people do the srtangest things out of boredom. The lucky ones fall asleep. The unluckier ones...are weird. I was sandwiched beside nenek and guess what shining bling bling caught the corner of my eyes.

How bout that. My gramma wears a Guess. Main main engko! She is high crass punyer nenek tau. Did i leave her at peace with her Guess shades?

Of course not.

A lil' less than an hour later, my sis fell asleep. She dropped dead and slumped on my thighs throughout the entire journey. I was this close to loosing my sperm production abilities. With her long hair frazzled all over the place, Nenek invented her own way of self entertainment.

Yep. That's her. Nenek ku yang kiut skali. At long last, i finally reached. Gah....i dunno how i survived the car ride. Like seriously. So after grabbing a quick lunch, we wasted no time and headed to the nearest MRT station.

Shopping spree!!!!!!!!

With none of the family members familar with roads around the place, we simply bumped around and hopped off stations that sounded shopping-y to us. Naturally we got off to some of the weirdest place to shop. We went to Raffles' Place instead of Raffles' City. Then i went like "Eh.....did they close the mall down? Why so quiet in here???"

Bugis street was the most amusing trip i have to say. I got off the station and i found this huge ass flea market.

It somewhat reminded me of Chatuchak Market i went in Bangkok. But everything is sold in S'pore currency here okeh. So me is poor. In bangkok i Paris Hilton know....buy things no need see price tag one. Cheep cheep cheep....here have to think 3 times, then convert to RM see expensive not, then have convention to see apa kata survey, if all pass baru lah beli. Punya lah susah.

Anyway, walking along he hustling streets there is a nice experience on its own. So many beautiful people to see. Ha ha ha ha! Then....i got robbed.

Yes people, i got robbed in Singapore. By my sister. She force me to buy ice cream for her tau. Good thing its only 80 cent. But i have to say Singapore ice creams do look peculiar. have you seen ice cream served like this?

Fascinating. Its quite a huge chunk you know. So kira quite worth it lah. Omigosh....but wait till she sees the japanese ice cream i had with Japan Slut last night. I forced him to drive me back to Hartamas just so i can have another bar. Mak memang keji. Ha ha ha ha!

Back to Singapore. More walking and walking up ahead. Until dad cannot tahan mintak recess at a minum stall. Ok lor. Then i got another shock of my like. No i din get robbed this time. (I'm so full of drama, i know) I saw the huge ass ceiling fan rotating on top of my head. Its freaking huge i tell you!

See what i mean? You can decapitate 20 heads at one go with that! I think if the fan collapses, hundreds will die. I've never seen a ceiling fan this huge before.

Within a few hours, everyone of us is already panting and all sweaty. We saw a mall right ahead and by instinct, everyone marched into the mall. I dun even know what's the name of the mall, but the minute i stepped in, i felt like i stepped into the magical land of Oz. This mall is catered for......Ah Mas!!!

Seriously. All the shoppers are like Rosie Phua lookalikes. All the shoppers were aunties. 40s above with giant curls clad in big floral print tops. ALL of them! I kid you not. I walked around the ladies department and i saw this.

Horror tak? Like ALL the baju in the mall is like that. Me and my sis exchanged blank looks in silence only. Trying hard to believe its real. Not even Nenek would be caught dead in those gaudy outfits. Oh, and look at their latest collection on display.

I rest my case. We tiptoed our way out, not touching anything at all. Later in the evening, we hopped into another station.

City hall meets Suntec City. Lau Niang is happy now. Ha ha ha! Finally some decent malls with browse worthy boutiques. The malls there are very tourist friendly i should say. There were sign boards everywhere so you don't get lost easily. Then i noticed this most peculiar Road name.

Hmmm.....anyone up for some wet bras? There's a whole road of it here in Singapore.

Also, the interior of the malls here are rather jaw dropping. In the Sunctec City mall, i saw this miniature musical fountain complete with is own background music and rather good ligthings and water formations. I tell you, fountain also can gather so many crowds.

Look at this woman. She can sit there for 10 minutes admiring the fountain. I have to stand behind and wait for her. She dind't move until i dragged her arms off and went "Aiyah mommy no need to see lah. It's just water! Next time i install one in our house you can watch all day long lah. I wanna see baju now!!"

Then only she rela to go. Wasting my youth you know.

Finally it was time to go home coz all the malls closing. Cis. But anyhow, i bought me many many things also. Me is happy now. here's what i got.

Renoma panties from a mall, courtesy of Mommy. Ya, she still buy my panties. All my favourite colour, so nice. Got white, got grey, oh there's another oren one but i wearing now. Cannot show u ols. Ha ha ha!

Then i got this stringy holey bermuda from Bugis. 20 bucks only. What a bargain. Ha ha ha! But its true lor what the say. Good things not cheap, cheap things not good.

You see what happen to my pocket inside......koyak one.

But fret not. Thank god for mommies! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Last but not least, i got this really really nice long sleeve. From Bugis also. So so so nice. Now if you'll excuse me, i got a runway to walk.

Man, this post is fucking long. I'm not even bothered to check the spelling. So....cheerios..

Birthday Meme

2007-10-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

Another long overdued meme tagged by Fir.

1. When is your birthday?

24 November 1982

2. How old are you now?

21. Shut up. I'll always be 21.

3. Where were you born?

In a hospital under a heavy storm and monstrous thunders ala The Omen. God never rested ever since.

4. When did you first celebrated your birthday?

The earliest memory of a birthday celebration was my 4th one. I had the same birth date with a cousin. Back then, i was twice his age. I was 4, he was 2. We both had our own birthday cakes in the shape of the number 2 and 4. It was placed side by side and we took a picture of it.

5. When will you next birthday be?

About a month's time. Dress rehearsal in 2 weeks time. Gift offerings are open from now on. Hint hint.

6. Did you remember getting birthday presents on your birthdays?

That's the one thing i hate about my birthday. It falls on a school holiday and i always end up isolated alone at home. Therefore i don't usually recieve many gifts. Or celebrate with friends. Sob sob.

7. What are the 3 things do you want for your upcoming birthday?

A husband, a new pet and nicer pecs. Can i?

Sigh.....don't you just love reptiles???

8.What kind of presents you want for your birthday?

Oooh....this is my fav question! Ha ha ha! Now let's see....

I'm such a bed sheet whore. And i'm SO SO SO desperate of queen size ones. Ever since i did my room makeover, i have yet to buy new sheets for my queen bed. No time no money. Heh heh....

A Crumpler bag! Isn't it just gorgeous! And look...it even has my favourtie shade of green!

With a book whore like me around, one can never go wrong with gift vouchers! I simply heart books!

Last but definitely not least (I somehow predict a part 2 for this question....lolz)

A Bath Robe! ha ha ha! I know! So i can wrap my head in a matching towel and watch DVDs at home after a long shower.....like Siu Lai Lai hor....that's the life....

9. Who would you like to celebrate your birthday with?
Ken Watanabe, Daniel Wu and Lee Hom. In thongs please.

If they are not available (in thongs) then friends and family would suffice lah. He he he.

10. How do you want to celebrate your birthday?

Like this can ah? I never try before mah.... :D

People to tag:

Adrien
Poporoot
Dan
Calvin
Froggy
Joery
Ah Bong
BengBeng
Queer Rant

Photohunters : Theme - Curvy

2007-10-06T12:27:00.000+08:00

This week's theme for Photohunters is curvy. I had a fabulous trip to Putrajaya, loacted in Kuala Lumpur; the capital of my country (Malaysia). I've been there several times already actually but on my last trip there, i discovored the most magnificient view i ever came across.

Little did i realize that there's actually a replica of the Morrocan Palace hidden deep in the vast beautiful gardens. As i made my way in for the grand tour, i was so awed by its intricate architecture. They seem to have plenty of oh-so-beautiful curvy arches that is just simply perfect for the theme today.

So treat yourself to the glorious pics and have a nice weekend everyone!

What did i tell you.....in't it simply a sight to behold? Ha ha ha!

Why I Want To Eat At Friday's

2007-10-04T01:34:00.000+08:00

Dining at TGI Fridays has always been a special moment for me. Be it on a nice romantic date or a whacky gathering with my loud friends, Fridays never fails to rake up fond memories. I’m telling you, it’s the perfect place to spend time with your loved ones!

If the good food there doesn’t impress you enough, I bet the cozy ambience in the outlets will sweep you off you feet. I don’t know how they do it, but it magically transforms its atmosphere to suit your company.

Say you’re planning a romantic dinner with a hot date, the quiet and dim corners indoors will provide the perfect atmosphere. You can have all the privacy you need and whisper your sweet nothings there all night long.

And if you’re hanging out with your crazy bunch of friends, do the outdoors! I sure like the lively environment of the outdoors. Waiters would be busy scurrying around, customers would be drinking and chatting away, and best of all….its the perfect spot to drool at eye candies. Ha ha ha!! Ok….I don’t do that at Fridays. I swear on Prada.

Occasionally, the whacky waiters there would create such a drama scene to surprise a birthday girl or boy. Its always so fun to see the surprised face of the unsuspecting ‘victim’ and watch them do silly things the next minute. I never fail to have a good laugh. Truely, the waiters there are so bubbly and sugar high. And err...sometimes cute. Ha ha ha! I dunno where the managers found them. Seriously.

So what’cha waiting for….go chill out at your nearest TGI Fridays and have your own I-Heart-Fridays’ Moment!

Personal Tip: Do not EVER miss the chance to try out their burgers. It’s divine indulgence I tell you. Go try it or live to regret you didn’t. Ha ha ha!

Man I’m such a burger whore…..

Please-don't-slap-me Riddles

2007-10-02T14:39:00.000+08:00

Q: What fish has got armpit hair?

A: Fish Monger

Q : What goes up in a triangle and comes down rolling?

A: Panties

Q : Of all boxes, which box cannot be lifted?

A: Penalty box

Q : What has 3 heads, 6 eyes and 8 feet?

A : Cowboy riding a horse, carrying a chicken.

Q: When he lives, we sing. When he dies, we clap hands. Who is he?

A : Birthday cake candle.

I have to pop the next questions in malay. The punchline only works that way.

Q : Dalam banyak banyak kera, kera apa yang pandai menaip?

A : KERA-ni

Q : Scorpion what colour?

A : colour jengking....geddit?

I know they're ridiculous...so don't slap me okeh? Mak larriiik ke Zulu-Zulu island dolu.

Attacked By Bee

2007-10-01T08:18:00.000+08:00

I was fucking stung by a bee.

And it fucking hurts!!!!!

Yeah…it did happen. I was on my way to work this morning and I stopped at the petrol kiosk to fill up my tank. When I got back into my car and turned the engine on, I felt something crawling on my neck.

Thinking it might be just a fly or mosquito, I tried flipping it away. But as soon as I touched the insect, I felt a huge butt. And before I could even go “hey….mosquitoes doesn’t have huge butts…”

Then ZNNNGG!! I felt a rude jolt of pain on my neck. I instinctively squished the bastard no good sonofa…bee and flicked it off. I didn’t know what it was until I stopped at the red light and checked for dead bodies. True enough. Yellow and black butt.

My god…have you ever got stung by a bee? On your way to work?! Its not like I’m hitchhiking or chasing butterflies in a park. I was on my way to work! Man it hurts…..why did it has to be a fucking bee? Can’t I get bitten by Ken Watanabe or Daniel Wu instead?

I now officially proclaim I fucking hate bees! I see one I kill one. And no one’s gonna stop me. You bite me once and yous gonna pay for it.

Your momma’s gonna pay for it.

Your fat ass queen bee’s gonna pay for it.

Stupid bees! !!!!!

Oh…on a lighter note, I’d like to congratulate Joe and Ry for a job well done during the Young KL Singers performance which I was ~~forced~~ invited to attend last Saturday. Good show, good show.

Meanwhile, I’m off now. Need to go for a bee-killing rampage.

Photo Hunters: Original

2007-09-29T12:31:00.000+08:00

The theme for this week's Photo Hunters is "Original". I was instantly reminded of a cooking competition held at my work place recently. Teachers formed teams and they really cooked up a storm to compete with other teams.

These are among the original dishes that they came up with.

Considering that they are teachers; not profesional cooks, don't you think they came up with an impressive job? I certainly had fun watching them busy preparing and cooking these original dishes.

Garage Storage Cabinets

2007-09-28T17:16:00.000+08:00

Aren’t you just sick and tired of seeing your garage cluttered in a mess? Not only does it look untidy, it also creates a hazardous environment to all. I used to be burdened with the very same problem; but now, all my worries are gone!

I owe it all to this sophisticated looking garage storage cabinets which is made available from www.carguygarage.com. Now, I can store all my things away neatly and have a spotless clean garage.

With its trendy colours and futuristic designs, organizing your knick knacks never looked so good!

This is a sponsored post.

You Know You're a Chinese When....

2007-09-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).

2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has move out.

3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.

5. You hate to waste food :-

a ) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)

b ) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers,and jam jars.

7. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to arestaurant.

9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.

10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.

12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

14. You're a wok user.

15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.

16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it means they're fresh.

17. You never call your parents just to say hi.

18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

19.Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese).

20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

21. You always cook too much.

22.You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

23.You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.

24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics, computers.

25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

27. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons andforks of the airline that you fly on and put in your travel bag as souvenirs

28. You never forget to take with you all the unused bath and facial tissues when you check out from the hotel because youbelieve that you have paid its all.

29. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them

30. And you will always proud because you're Chinese... :)

Meme: Handphone Tag

2007-09-25T12:05:00.000+08:00

Chen tagged me something ago with the Mobile phone or Handphone Tag, created by Leonard. This is quite a simple tag, and brings me down the memory lane again..

List down the following:

1. The phone(s) that you owned previously

2. The phone(s) that you're using now

3. The phone(s) that you're looking at to replace the current phone

Personally, i'm quite sentimental with my own stuffs. So i don't change my phones just to keep up with the current trend. I don't change my phone unless they break down or gets missing or something happens. So umm...dun be so surprised if you don't see so many phone models here. Heh heh....

My first phone

The very classic Nokia 3310. I used this phone in my Form 6 and it followed me along to uni. This is one sturdy phone and its perfect for clumsy people who keeps dropping their phone. Like me. Heh heh....

I had quite a bit of fun using this phone also. Remember those days when its rather popular to change the phone casing to fancier ones? They come in all sorts of colours and patterns.

Remember?? I my fare share too. Some would even change the lights so you can have neon coloured running lights. I so jeles when i see my fren's phone got running lights back then. Mom wouldn;t let me waste money of such things.

Smart of her. Looking back now, it looks so la la. Like Ah Beng Ah Lian phone only. Gosh....what was i thinking!

After several years of using this phone, the battery finally had final stage Cancer. The battery dies at any moment of the day. Sometimes i just put in my pocket i dun realize also. When i on the phone again, got 10000 miss call and 1000 sms. Biasa lah, lau niang diva what....sure many people call lah right....

So i got my 2nd phone. The Samsung A800....other wise known as the Blue Eye. I think.

This is by far the sleekest phone i ever used. The features of this phone is rather basic but the shape....oh god. Its so sexy okeh. If anything, Samsung phones are always famous for its sleek designs. This phone is no bigger than my palm and its also my very 1st polyphonic ring tone phone. I was so so excited when i hear all the ringtones.

This phone is quite a lucky phone too. I once dropped it in a cab and i only realized it after i stepped down. So horror you know. I was so panic strickened. I called my own number through a public telephone and the cab driver answered. He was so kind to drive all the way back to return the phone to me. I gave him RM20 in return. That was all i could afford back then mah. But he so nice kan? Bless his soul...

But this phone too....finally suffered terminal disease. Last phone battery konked. Now this one is the key pad plak. Perhaps i was sms-ing too much? Only God knows...

So came my 3rd phone. I switched to a Sony Ericsson K700i this time. Notice i like switching brands all the time? I dunno why also. Ha ha ha! This is the 1st and only phone that i bought myself.

Its not as sleek as a Samsung, but the features were like....really REALLY impressive. Having a camera phone back then makes me feel like Paris Hilton already you know.That was the time i was introduced to the magic of MMS and cam whoring. I got so many people to send me their ~~nude~~ face pics. :p

This is the one phone that didn't really get spoiled actually. So how in gay hell did i landed my current phone you ask?

Well one fine day, i saw my dad playing with this gorgeous thing. I didn't know what model it was but i was like a firefly drawn to fire.

So what happen? I robbed my dad off the phone can. Ha ha ha! He doesn't sms. Doesn't mms. Doesn't use the camera. Doesn't use the walkman feature. So why waste it kan? Might as well give me.

So i switched phone with him. Such a good son kan? Ha ha ha!

3. The phone(s) that I'm looking at to replace the current phone?

Now i'm supposed to answer this. Well, i'm quite happy with my current phone as it is. Unless something free comes along, i dun think i'll be needing a new phone anytime so soon. Ha ha ha!

I should be tagging people in this part. But screw it. Anybody wanna do just do lor....heh hehe

Meme #1 : 5 Things

2007-09-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

At least that's what i think the title is. Gosh i have so many pending memes to do and i can't get over my conscience if i don't do it. Well, just like they say, better late than never right? Ha ha ha!

So this would be 1st of my meme series (more coming up). And i was tagged by Azhan to do this. SO umm....here goes.

5 things in my bag:

1. My organizer.
2. Ancient documents. That needs to be disposed. 5 years ago.
3. Umm.....candy wrappers. Not collector's item either.
4. Damaged/expired/un-usable stationaries
5. Loose change everywhere

5 things in my wallet:

1.Cash. duhzzz
2. IC/drivers license
3. ATM cards
4. buy 5 free 1 DVD coupons.
5. Cute hairdresser's name card :D

5 things i like most in my room:

1. My red walls!
2. My queen bed...all for me alone!
3. My TV/DVD set....what i'd do without it.
4. My PS2...though i hardly play with it .......
5. Whatever book titles i have by my bedside

5 things i'd like to try:

1. Performing a dance
2. Play a pontianak role...oh i'm such a natural.
3. Shoppping for 3 days and 3 nights. Ha ha ha!
4. Camping. Like girl scouts you know. It'd be so much fun!
5. Scuba Diving. Will i find King Triton's mermaid kingdom??

5 thing's i'm doing now:

1. getting my long needed bath.
2. Chatting of course!
3. Anime marathon!
4. Trying my level best to finish this ...this...thing!
5. And i'm done. Ciauz....

Suppose to tag 5 more people. But screw it. Lau Niang very democracy one. You like you do. Don't like....sing cha cham bo wif me.

Of Black Sheep and Gay Magicians

2007-09-13T09:50:00.000+08:00

2 nights ago, I was invited to an exclusive Suit and Tie social by Dan. I dun even have the slightest idea of what it is but is sure sounds so fancy.

“Wah…sound so atas one? What is it actually?? "

“Oh its nothing really, just a social gathering of single guys in a bar and they mingle around…”

“Where is it?”

“Somewhere in Bangsar lah…”

“* insert 5 seconds of silence* ………Bangsar…? Wah so high class one ah? What’s the dress code like?”

“After work attires according to the organizers.”

“What are you wearing then?”

“Jeans and something collared….”

“Jeans.”

“What do i care? So you wanna tag along?”

“Aiyo I so shy lah…never been to such events before also….dunno what to wear lah. I dunno how to mingle around also….so shy so shy…”

“yes or no?”

“YES!”

So there it was. Appointment fixed. Me in a Tie and Suit social…that could only spell on thing. Disaster.

So the big day arrived. I got all dolled up and Dan came to pick me up. When a Diva and a Tai Tai attends a gathering, naturally they had to be fashionably late. Its custom you know.
To our dismay, we were NOT late enough. In fact, the place was still empty when we arrived.

“Err….are we in the right place? Where’s everyone else?”

“Who gives a shit. I’m hungry.”

“Right…lets eat then.”

So we ordered our overpriced dinners that took 3 lifetimes to arrive. And very very very gradually other queens started popping up from the entrance. But we dinch give a hoot. We were too busy concentrating on the food. Ha ha ha!

Soon after, we were entertained by a magic show.

Performed by a magician.

A GAY magician.

Ever seen a gay magician before? This is my 1st time as well. So there I was, sitting amongst a group of queens watching a gay magic show.

I was expecting him to do some gay magic. I dunno…..maybe make someone’s pants disappear? Or at least perform the show in leather thongs? But oh…..lame just got lamer. Apart from his cute boyish looks, there was really nothing much to hoo haa about. It was just another “Hey look! I can pull flowers out of this hat…..tada!!” kinda show.

I quote what Dan said:

“The poor sap…..I suppose God is fair after all…”

As soon as the extremely short show ended, we decided to ditch the place and catch a movie instead. In the end, we watched Black Sheep in Cineleisure.

I must say I had more fun watching Dan squirming in his seat than watching the movie instead. Ha ha ha! But oh that movie….its a darn stupid movie….but really funny nevertherless. It really is funny. Go watch lah.

The cast includes a sheep-man (like fawn you know?), a dumb blonde tree hugging hippie, a mutated lamb, a guy with sheepophobia and many other freakshows.

And if you have a thing for animal sex, this show is definitely for you as well.

Dan nearly gave me a bitch slap for making him watch it. Ha ha ha!

So I’ve watched Black Sheep and attended a Suit and Tie social now. I feel so much more accomplished in life…..

Dream Girls in Liquid's Last Night

2007-09-09T12:20:00.000+08:00

I haven’t had such a happening Saturday for a long time. Shit I don’t even know where to start bitching. Ok ok ok…..we’ll do it chronologically no?

Morning: I was awakened from my slumber by an sms from Poporoot. Grrr!! But then again, who ask me put such a loud ringtone hor. But of course diva must be loud kan? So its not my fault. Nothing’s ever my fault.

Couldn’t get back to sleep anymore so I went online to ~~see who I can slut with~~ chat with frens. Found Dan online and we discussed further for our girl’s night out later on. Tu nanti mak story okeh.

Not too long later, Earl Grey (yes I know an Earl; jgn main main okeh; but he’s not grey lah. Mama Diva is. Larriiik!) called for lunch. I’m such an important and busy woman. Being the sweet nice girl I am, of course I obliged.

He picked another friend up, and we had Chinese food for lunch. Such a rare occasion. I hardly eat chi food in KL coz all my frens anti-porkos. Pastu…we raided Bangsar. Shopped in Bangsar Village till evening. Tell you secret, its actually my 1st time there. Saw so many pondan and cheedren yang mengada wif those perasan-ang-moh mommies married to unglamorous ang moh men.

EG and friend did some t-shirt whoring but I already bought my lil’ black dress the day before. So…better not splurge again lest I have to makan pasir for the entire month.

It was already dinner time when I came home. Had a quick dinner with poporoot. Dier rushing coz nak ~~mek love ngan laki~~ watch Anugerah Era kata nyer. If you say so lah. Hmmm….

ANYWAYS……our fren left me his tripod so I can pinjam new toy and play play a bit lah. Still had a few hours before Dan picks me up. I have a tripod with me….hmmm watudoo watudoo……..CAM WHORING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did a major major cam whoring. I now have enough pics to make portfolio to apply for America’s Next Top Model. Nak tengok sample tak? Mak show show….

Ha…kelas tak? Ha ha ha ha!!!

And finally came the bewitching hour. Dan called and he’s arriving in 5 mins. * Prances around the house in Minnie Mouse panties* Apa lagi….Sailormoon…makeup! *pusing pusing with magic wand and long hair twirling around* Got into my lil’ black dress and waxed my hair. Must make sure 7 tingkat high and pakai tiara.

When Dan (check it out for same coverage) arrived…I hopped into his car and we headed to……..LIQUID!! Gosh…the 1st time I went to LQ was like more than 3 years ago. That was my 1st trip there and I was caught red handed by my ex who called me while I was at the ~~podium gyrating with sweaty topless guys~~ bar drinking. He made me promise never to step foot there again. And I kept my word. And so this is my second time going to LQ. Sadly, it’ll be the last time as well. LQ will be closing and that was their last operating night. Sad huh?

Anyways, we went early to get free entrance. Met up Froggy(again, do check it out for the same coverage) there. Finally, pasukan Dream Girls dah full attendance. Ha ha ha! Went there one night only and I met so many friends, frenemies, old flings and Ho!!……even bumped into Earl Grey slutting around also. Tsk tsk tsk….

We shaked booties in the dance floor and headed to grab supper later on. Clubbing is a lot of hard work you know. Finally we ended the day with more camwhoring.

Ladies and ladies, I present to you…..the tattooed queens.

Photohunter: Music

2007-09-08T10:48:00.000+08:00

The theme for Photohunter this week is music. How appropriate! What can i say? Music is my life! I love it and i make a living out of it! I took a performance diploma level exam and i used to be the principle clarinettist in my university orchestra.

From there, i took up the saxophone on my own and i had much more fun. Now that i graduated already, i'm still tutoring part time in the orchestra. Pays quite well and i'm really enjoying myself.

Though i'm classically trained, i love a diverse trend of music. And i'd like to introduce you to Bjork; one of my all time favourite singer! For those of you who doesn't know her yet, she's one hell of an eccentric singer with really weird out-of-this-world tastes. All her album covers and video clips are really one of a kind.

See what i mean? Heh heh....and here is my favourite song of hers.

And this is my favourite video clip of hers.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Upcoming Movie: Queen Of Langkasuka

2007-09-06T17:26:00.000+08:00

Can somebody tell me since WHEN Thai film industries come up with such a glorious film??? I thought they do really impressive horror flicks and funny pondan comedies only!

I came across its poster as i was ~~browsing for latest horror movies~~ working in school. The Thai queen is SO diva okeh! I immediately searched further on the movie.

And i ended up clapping like a toy monkey with little cymbals that went short circuit.

In front of the monitor.

Thank God i was alone. Sigh....i'm such a sucker for Diva Queens.

But can you blame me?? I show you some of the visuals.

Would you just look at the set!! Can you spell K-E-L-A-S!! How elaborate is that??!?!

I want a chamber like that also!

I want that off shoulder couture dress also!

I want that head gear also!

I want the jewelries yang seberat 3 kilo tu also!

Even the maid so vogue can! I can't believe it's a Thai film.....can lawan Ang Lee anytime!

Then hor....got the hemsem prince can swim underwater and control all the fishes. Like Little Mermaid jer kan?? Mak suker mak suker!!

Lastly, i leave you with the movie trailer to savour. I dunno when is it releasing but i'll definitely be camping outside the cineplex to be the 1st person in Malaysia to buy the tickets!

Who Wants to be Malaysia's Next Top...Drag Queen?

2007-09-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

I have a really curious question today. Today lau niang wanna discuss about……drag queens.

Ehh....sorry wrong pic. Whoops.

No I’m not relating my real life here ok. Although I am born with natural gifts and I have all it takes to be a Drag Diva, I can assure you that I’m not drag in real okeh.

Mak keras tau. Mak tough okeh! Hear me roar…..miau….

So my actual question is….where do drag queens stand in our country and society. You have to agree with me if I say that the general society is still very conservative when it comes to this issue. See pondan pass by only, you whisper whisper giggle giggle. Betul tak?

ADMIT IT.

So in the strappy high heel shoes of a drag queen, how does one survives in society?

What concerns me most is career issues. Look at what drag queens would normally work as. Aside from the regular Pubic Relation Services, they normally work as make up artist, fashion designer, jual perfume, jual flowers, waitress…paling vogue also mak bagi kerja model lah.

BUT….never ever assume that all pondans are dumb blondes okeh. Smart and beautiful people like me also can have alternative sexual preferences tau.

But I not drag okeh. Hard to believe but its true.

So for those who drag, can they pursue their career with no unnecessary objections? Can kaum pondan work as professionals? See pondan work as lawyer or doctor before not? Or teacher even, for that matter?

Would you entrust your child to a drag teacher? Even if he/she is the best teacher around?

If you sick, you dare to jumpa doctor drag not?

Dare you hire a drag lawyer to represent you in court?

There there there….i see all the frowns and wrinkled eyebrows already. Like ulat bulu only. You see my point now? Are all drag ladies doomed to dance and sing Ning Baizura hits in night clubs and be shampoo girls in the daytime only? Even if they have the brains to do so much more?

How can we make life easier to life for everyone?

Man feast: Mr Hong Kong 2007

2007-09-03T01:21:00.000+08:00

How many of you knew that Mr Hong Kong was aired in Wah Loi Toi last Saturday? I was on my way out for some DVD whoring again as I saw Nenek staring blankly at the screen, looking ever so bored. She has to leave the channel (and no other channel) on even though there’s nothing interesting in it. Touch the remote and you get the Rolled Newspaper Jutsu as well.

But on that fateful day, the TV screen flashed before my eyes and I instantly dumped my plans on DVD shopping. I caught sight of this on the screen…..

Shiny, wet buffed men in skimpy trunks….walking in line, taking turns to strut their ~~package~~ stuffs! I immediately slumped unto the couch and did not blink for the next hour or so. I’m telling you, nothing in this world is hotter than wet muscular Asian guys in skimpy trunks!

I can only pray nenek dinch see me drooling at gawking at the TV. I tried so so hard to look nonchalant but its extra difficult with all those semi naked men smiling seductively at the screen. Have I mentioned that they were wearing tiny trunks only?? You know how hard I tried NOT to play with myself? Hmmpph….if I’m alone….habes 5 kotak tissue jumbo box Merdeka special edition tau.

I mean…look at all the contestants!! Can you blame me??! Take a look at all those meat fest! (but dunno why the guy in blue trunks 4th from left look like drag queen…lau niang suspect surely he work part time at night one)

Along the whole show, I came across some really interesting candidates. The guys in the competition sure came is all shapes and sizes. Some are really dashing, some are more talented than good looking, some are buff, some are slimmer…..some….umm….mak no comment lah. This is me being nice okeh.

Take this guy. He’s really something. At 43, he’s the oldest contestant in the entire bunch of guys. Already married with 12 grandchildren. Ok ok, i'm kidding bout the granchildrens lah. The rest of the guys are like what…half his age? He sure has balls of steel to join the competition. But I’d say….he’s quite well maintained for his age lah hor? Too bad he couldn’t compete with the other contestants who are much much younger, better looking and cuter. Join wrong competition lah hor….if join Mr Uncle Kertu sure win one. lolz !!!

And this one…..ho ho ho….need I say more….OF COURSE he’s my fav guy of the lot! He’s tall, buff, great looking….oh what more can you ask in a guy you tell me lah. Can I like migrate to Hong Kong already??

Then hor…..you dun think Mr Hong Kong all muscle guys join only you know. Rupa-rupanya got pondan join also! You see you see…..ha ha ha!

Giant Halle Berry/J-Lo shades, those ‘man’ bags, loud hair highlights with those F4 haircut (eeee…allergic mak!) …how lala is that! Sungei Wang also bersepah with this kind of guys, berangan nak join Mr Hong Kong some more. Ha ha ha ha! Tai sei he never win!

Speaking of winners…lemme show you the final winner….

Sigh….he’s not my Mr Hunk though. This one I see bias bias jer….dunno why he win also. Just because he terror Wushu a bit; managed to impress all the horny female judges. Cis. Mak geram tau! My abang muscle should have own!

But things could be worse lah….at least the pondan Sungei Wang never win lah hor…ha ha ha!!!