I Slept With My Best Friend's Man

Donch you fucking dare judge me. I did it for a super selfless noble cause okeh. And i only slept with him....figuratively. Not literally okeh. Come closer to the monitor and start looking like a fool. I want to tell you a secret. Secretnya ialah....Perky is a skanky ho. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!! You dinch hear this from me okeh....Shh! Shh!

Ya....she really is. You see, she keeps guy(s) in her home for business(?), pleasure(?), a pet(?)...i'll never know.


Anyways, what happens if daddy drops by for a surprise visit? Where do you chuck your guy(s)? Why......in your girlfriend's home right upstairs only of course! How convenient.




Yes people....for the love of a sistah i have to share my porn-scaterred-everywhere, pink-feather-boa-on-the-loose rainbow gay home with a straight man. I have to go to bed knowing there's a straight man next door. Do you know how trauma is that? Lau niang trauma okeh!


And this is no ordinary regular straight man i tell you. This...is the very same straight man who walked up into my car....and fucking threw a damn live prawn at me. MOVING LIVE ONES!!!! has anyone threw a live prawn at your face? Do you know what is it like?


Why would someone do such a holigible vegitable thing right?? Why?? Just because he's jealous of my power duet with Mama Diva. Dia macam Celine Dion duet ngan Whitney Houston okeh. And he's anti Ning Baizura. Mama Diva screamed his brown ass off; making pepople think there's a gang rape going on inside the car okeh. Meletops satu KL okeh....


So memorable hor.....


And so for the love of a best friend, I let him into my house with open arms. At night when i sleeping in bed, i have so many ideas to get back at him.



I thought of waiting him to fall asleep and then i'll paint his face like Barbie Fairytopia. With permanent ink. But I didn't.

I wanted to paint permanent unremovable pink nail polish on his toes and nails. But i didn't.

I wanted to dress him up with fish net stocking and pink feather boa and post the pics here and at malaysiakini. But i didn't.

Coz i'm a noble, selfless, forgiving, kind hearted good friend okeh. You'll never find another friend who would gladly let your guy to bunk in during emergencies...and secretly blogs about it....and demands a week of free dinner after that.

Matilah merk kena main pindah randah like nomad cari lubang gua to stay in. Perky's so gonna hunt my skinny ass down after this.

If you want to find me after this, my new address is inside Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup, tengah tengah hutan puaka atas puncak Gunung Everest di tengah tengah Mozambique. And i'll be guarding my new rock with Ogres, Rotweillers.......and prawns.

The One Weekend Where I Was Back in Hometown

"Wei you free this Sat not? Let's go watch a choir performance lah!"

".....I'm back in hometown..."

Bong; Friday

"Bapok malam ni nak pergi La Queen tak?"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

David Nenek Sundal; Friday

"Kor....Bring me to Bon Odori festival in KLPAC lah!"

"...I'm back in Hometown..."

Sis; Saturday

"You in KL now? Tomolo i bring you go Marketplace lah, my treat..."

"....I'm back in hometown...."

online-chatter-who-is-trying-to-woo-me; Saturday

"Come to my concert lah, i got free ticket for you!"

"....I'm back in hometown..."

Poporoot; Saturday

"Nyah....do photoshoot for me and Jules lah!"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

Perky; Sunday

And what was i fucking doing in hometown?

Kanine Cau Cibai

Canon S5IS Revealed

Twas a dark and stormy night. The heavy drizzle of the rain patted rhythmically on my window panes. The air con was set to a nice breezy temperature. I was alone in my room with only my laptop keeping me company. I got lost in cyberland googling for nude pics of Ken Watanabe slutting chatting with other fellow cyber sluts good friends.

Then all out of a sudden, I heard muffled booms of explosions from outside my serene room. Pfftt....dad must have farted. Someone must be shooting dogs outside. But the explosions went on and on.....and on and on. Dad couldn't have farted so many times. There aren't THAT many stray dogs around my place. And it's drizzling outside. Who would be out shooting dogs in the middle of a rain....at past 11pm?!?!

The silent explosion got me curious and rather irritated. With a heavy heart and butt, i had to part with Ken Watanabe my chat friends, drag myself out of the room and find out what the racket is all about. If it came from any members of my family....they better be prepared for a bitch fit from hell. Nothing comes between me and Ken Watanabe my chat friends okeh. Hell hath no fury like the scorn of a woman parted from Ken Watanabe her chat friends. I'm like Malefecent flapping the wings from her haute couture gown and slamming her staff loudly on the floor already.

To my unexpected surprise, the boomings came from outside my home. See, my bedroom is jus next to the balcony and that's where the noise came from. I was all prepared to march to the balcony and scream "DIAMLAH PUKIMAK!! Nak mampos??!" to whoever it was making all the noise outside.

As soon as i opened the balcony door, i saw the most glorious sight. Fireworks booming in my face. HUGE ASS ones! I dashed back to my room and dived for the camera and here's what i got in a matter of 15 minutes or so.

Simply glorious innit? So how did i possibly get such great great shots? After recieving curious comments and compliments from the pictures of my previous buaya post, i feel its finally time i reveal my latest better-than-sex toy. Cam sluts, fairies and queens.....i present to you my latest gadget; the almighty Canon S5IS :

This baby boasts of a fantastic 8 megapixel with 12x optical zoom and 48x digital zoom. How you think i got the great close up shot of the croc eye huh. You think i squatted 2 inches away from the buaya and slowly adjust camera to snap ker. That's how good the digital zoom is. Its even far enough for me to snappy the interior of living hall of a neighbour living the NEXT block of my condo! Now i can zoom in and snappy Ken Watanabe when he's bathing. So all you people out there, remember to close your toilet windows the next time you bathe. Dun be surprised and blame me if you see pics of yourself tengah mengangkang over the toilet bowl with a caption that reads "Guess what i saw yesterday? ha ha ha ha! " in this blog.

For all the non camera savvy readers out there, this Canon is actually what we call a prosumer model. Its sort of like a hybrid between those canggih canggih SLR cameras and those point and shoot compact cameras. So basically, this is a point and shoot camera with SLR functions. Not as good as SLRs of course, but its close and good enough. Ceh sudenly sound like camera professor jer kan.

A prosumer is fun (to me) because if you're lazy and you just want a quick picture, you can easily set it at the auto mode and use it like a regular compact. Point at whichever dick subject you want and just press the snap button and you'll still get a decent pic. There's over 20 pre-set modes for you to choose from so you are really spoilt for choices. There's a mode for practically ANY pictures. Portraits, animals, plants, sceneries, night scenes, you name it they have it all.

And sometimes if you're more ambitious and you want greater shots; or those artsier ones, there's the manual mode for you to explore. This is where you can adjust everything to your liking and get the desired results you want in your picture. You can adjust the exposure, lighting, shutter speed, stuff like that. And every kind of settings will produce different results. It gets really technical here.

That's why it took me so long to reveal this camera when actually i bought it a few months ago. I thought i wanna be sure and really know how to use it 1st before i share this with everyone. Lau Niang spend so many hours sitting in bookshop browsing camera books also you dunno. I know its a very cheapskedo way but you know how much do these camera books cost?! Not rm9.90 with free toy in it that i can tell you.

This is the reason why i didn't get an SLR camera instead. It's so intimidating i tell you. This camera is also not cheap okeh. I spent many hours studying the model 1st before i buy it if not nanti kang regret my whole life plak. I never study this hard when i sat for my STPM also i tell you. Just so you know how good the picture quality this camera produces, i actually made a comparison with another similar fierwork shot i snapped with my previous Casio compact camera. You can CLEARLY see how much more difined the Canon picture quality is.

So from now on, yo can expect more paparazi shots of people making out behind dark bushes, bathing in toilet, surfing porn, or anything fun that comes along. I have 48x digital zoom now. And its upgradable.

Be afraid people, be very afraid....HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Melaka Crocodile Farm

I finally know what i want to be if i'm not teaching.

A Crocodile!!

Do you know how fun being a crocodile is? I only found out when i visited the Crocodile Farm with fellow blogger Jonzz when he dropped by my hometown. Oh yessss....i do make blind dates with straight men as well. And i'll have you known i was rather sick during the weekend also. But dun care....tetap want to go crocodile farm. So that can take pics. So can blog. So you can see. So you will....comment. *Hint hint*

See how much i love you alls. Sick also go hunting for blogging materials you know. How many of us are that passionate and selfless? Howmany howmany?

So what is so fun about being a crocodile?

I'm so envious of them i tell you. All they do is bathe in the sun all day long. And i lurrrrve sun tanning myself. See, we already have something in common.

And oh....you get to eat up people that you dun like also. I think that's the most fun part. I'm sure all of you have to agree. No need to struggle go to bomoh to mandrem them or try murdering them and end up getting caught by police. Don't like? Just chomp.

Also, i get to star in multiple Hollywood movies! You know how many crocodile movies are there in Hollywood already? People are just CRAZY over crocs i'm telling you. I'm gonna be in a movie with Ken Watanabe as the hero. Oh shit...then he'll have to kill me huh. I'm gonna die being bombed into a million pieces.

No...i'm going to be a frail harmless innocent crocodile who is being hunted by fat and ugly hunters coz they're after my beautiful skin. And Ken Watanabe would be the topless hunky environmentalist who goes all out to save me. See it's so original. Why must crocodile be bad all the time kan. I hope Ken Watanabe likes crocodile sex though. I promise i won't bite.

And when i die...as a crocodile no less....i get to do something noble. I'm gonna donate my skin to Prada and make Ken Watanabe wear me all day long. So i can smell his sweat and feel his warmth....

Omigosh i'm supposed to be talking bout a croc farm eh? How emberassing. So yeah i was there with Jonzz and we saw....... crocodiles. Crocodiles crocodiles and more crocodiles..... *cricket chirping*

Shits....does anyone know how to review a crocodile farm here???

Basically i saw many crocodiles lor. I dunno how many million times i mentioned what i saw oledi but nothing much to say anymore right. As a fully grown adult who had education up to university level, i am almost sure that crocodiles has various species as well. Am i right? I'm sure i have to be. But strangely enough, the croc farm here didn't label the species. So i'm going to label my own crocodile species here.

First, we have the rakyat jelata crocodile. They're commoners. Very fat, just laying down very still and very boring to look at. Hmm.....

Then we have the Tyra Banks crocodile. Buaya yang fierce fierce tu lah. See the eyes....so big and shiny. Memang fierce like Tyra kan. But i still like my oriental-Lucy Liu-almond-eyes. Those big and white jagged teeth also makes them look super brutal.

Then we have the Resident Evil Crocodile. See the crocodile is injured. I'm guessing this crocodile must be either suffering from ADD and he got into some fights with other crocs...or he's just a hamsap crocodile. Maybe a freak accident by a hot french kissing session. But i'm guessing its the latter reason. This croc doesn't move at all. Cannot be ADD. A snail can slowly crawl across his jaws and come out unharmed. I think his mouth cannot move coz he got a jawlock from giving too many blowjobs. Hamsap crocodile it is.

Next off, we ave the crocodile kindergarten. There's this pond where they keep all the baby crocs and they look like big iguanas. So cute lor. I wonder if they cry every morning looking for their mamas....

This crocodile farm very kelass one. Got rumah buaya cacat also okeh. These crocs got no tail one. If they can talk, i'm sure they have an epic story story to tell. Something like "Oh i sold my tail to a chinese restaurant so i can feed my family..." So ker lian hor...

And this....is the bomb. This is LAU NIANG crocodile okeh. It. Is. Fucking. Huge!!!! Its so huge it can eat up other crocs. Like finger food. You think giant crocs in movies are all graphics? There's real ones out there i tell you. It doesn't really show in the picture but it's huge i'm tell you. If there's no locked gates by the pond and the croc promises not to chew me, i'd have gladly strike a Tyra pose by the croc so you can see exactly how big it is. Scary!!!

And then, we have the Diva crocodile. Why i say this croc so diva? You compare this croc and other crocs:

You see you see. Diva or not??! Other crocs have to share a muddy shallow pond with shit water. This diva croc is like Zhang Ziyi from Banquet movie okeh.

She gets her own personal pool with crystal clear water to play with. Got personal coconut tree and landscaping some more okeh. If i'm a crocodile this would be me lor.

And here's something new for you. Do you know that crocodiles have no tongue?? I'm serious!

You see inside the mouth is all pink pink only. No tongue one. I don't see one at least. They dun have hole in the mouth also. I wonder how they swallow food. I can show you close up to see yourself.

And here i'm about to show you my last pic. This is the cream i tell you. If you're reading this at work, i suggest you dun scroll down any further coz its just too violent and horrorfying and scary mary. Not safe for work at all. Not safe for kids also. Not safe for adults also. Not safe for anyone. Dun blame me if you end up screaming in shock like siau lang in the middle of your office and have people giving you weird stares okeh. You have been warned.

Aside from the fact that this IS a crocodile farm, this farm has a "Reptile Corner" as well. I know its redundant but dunno why they insist on making one. So out of curiosity and also to make my Rm5 worth, sure i go and see what its all about lah. And i saw this to my horror (remember my warning uols....merk tak tanggung if anything malu happens ya. Pregnant ladies dont see also!)

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Some staff nicely kept their pet rabbit there. How clever......

Beauty & The beast @ Plenary Hall KLCC

Shit. I finally have an excuse know the reason why i've been lazy kept busy from blogging.

I AM SO HOOKED TO AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!!

Seriously its the only thing i do at work when i'm free. I watch it before classes. I watch it after classes. I can tibai 1 whole season in 2 days. So you can expect a more often return of me when i finish all 10 cycles lah ya. Ha ha ha ha ha! Kidding kidding.

ANYWAYS.

I'm here today to review about this musical i watched last night. Yep. Beauty and The Beast is now staging in Plenary Hall and i finally get to see my dress kuning kembang being put in good use. Of coz i will go and see. Got so many pondan attended as well. All berangan nak jadi princess.

Before i begin, here are some comments my friends made after the show. My comment is grand finale lah of coz.

"It was ok but i didn't wet my panties..." ~~ Perky

"Mana the chandelier for the dancing scene and Be My Guest? Mana the field with the horse running?" ~~ Poporoot Pegap

"Aiyo....i almost fell asleep during the show. Good thing they smart enough to change the sets..." ~~ J-Me. (J is not for jilat okeh)

"We Will Rock You is so so so so much better. Thank you God for making We Will Rock You" ~~Cat

Additional conversation i overheard behind me:

Super-excited-sugar-high-girl: Mommy mommy i want to buy the CD after this can? Can?

Monotonous-Mom : .........for what.

Having said all that, you should know by now which way review is leading to already.

In my utmost humble opinion....the musical was really just so so to me. I didn't wet my panties as well. Where do i begin. Let's start with the Beast' character.

I was so taken aback at the characterization. In the cartoon this Beast character is depicted as a large feroucious ...well..beast obviously....with permanent PMS. And buasir. In this musical version, not only his PMS and buasir was rather inconsistent, the actor actually tried too hard to give a fresh flavour to the character by adding some comedic scenes having the Beast to do things that is SO UNLIKELY of the character.

I'm talking about whining and stomping foot all over the place when Belle refused his 1st dinner invite. Kepit punai sqealling in pain when Belle was treating his injuries from the wolf attack. That is something.....i would do. Not the beast. So yeah, as a result the Beast looked like a huge ass hairy prancing drag queen who can't afford shavers.

And then there was the transformation part. You know where the spell get broken and he transforms into a prince so handsome i will hump the cardboard stand-up poster like Duracell Rabbit. Dun even get me started if he's a real person.

Anyway, you know that part is the cream of the story you know. And it was presented so poorly on stage. I know its not an easy feat to do but still what they did was really unacceptable. From what i saw, I think the Beast was hoisted up and he turned 360 like a ferris whell...with no brakes. Seriuosly he turn so fast i dunno how the actor can tahan. I will puke on Belle if it was me lor. Turn turn turn then pooof.....tada! Beast in person comes walking in with follow spot on him ala Mr. Bean.

Nabeh.....what kind of transformation is that?!?!?! If they let Belle hug and cry over a bear bear doll and have the Actor change his costume back stage also i not so geram lor. Seriuosly it reminded me of Exorcist where Linda Blair floated on top of the bed and started turning also. Suddenly become Exorcist Musical only.

And that's not the end of it okeh. I had such high hopes on the Beast-in-person actor i tell you. Of all disney princes, i think he's the 2nd most hemsem one of all lei. Number one forever must be Prince Eric of Little Mermaid. So hemsem.

See his kukucau so big. That's why i like. But this Beast prince also very hemsem you know.

See his big eyes, big chest, big arms, broad shoulder and those long flowy hair. Like horse. So nice lei. I seriuosly expected the actor to be looking somewhat similar lor. But no.

The Prince is like NOT HEMSEM AT ALL!!! Not ugly also but NOT HEMSEM AT ALL!!! He looked like some drunk latino man with stubbies all over his face. I see like so busuk like that. SUCH A DISSAPOINTMENT i tell you. I don't hate the actor, its not his fault that he looks like that but i just expected more. All Disney princes are obligated to be hemsem okeh. Its every little girl's fantasy you know. It's MY fantasy. No one likes to fantasize about drunk latino men lor. Oh ya...his hair not even blonde also. As a result, the prince got a lukewarm applause only when he 1st appeared as human. So sad lor.....sigh.

I should move on. Let's talk Belle. She's quite satisfactory. The actress was very lifelike. She really looks like Belle. Same hair same dress and even the voice very Disney also. No complaints for me. I always have a softer spot for Disney princesses becoz i'm a Disney Princess myself. I love all my sisters.

I should give some credits to Lummiere also. The candle man you know? Oh he was so confident on stage. Very flamboyant with his French flavour...very tight pants...very pondan also. I like! Tapi he straight coz he syok the female feather duster.

Then there was Chip. The little teacup you know? Such a darling. To all directors out there reading this, mak kasi tips sikit. However bad your show is, you can salvage the show by just putting a cute innocent child actor. Or a puppy if you can't get a little boy. Audiences will always have a soft spot for cute lil' children or animals. Though his part was quite little, this little Chip never fails to charm the audiences. I even heard a distinct "Awww...." from everyone when the spell was broken and the actor came in as a boy looking so cute in his night shirt and hugging Mrs. Potts. Sosweet!!! (must say fast fast in high pitch; if still cannnot, ask Jules to teach)

I was quite let down with the orchestration as well. Apart from all the mandatory songs from the cartoon version, they even added some new tracks. Tapi all the new songs like so not nice. See today is the next day only, i forgotten all the songs already. And the arrangements itself is so empty. Blerrrgh....

Dengan itu sekianlah my review for this Enchanted Musical. To those who are going to watch....Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! (Points at face)