Keysah Pondan Bogel di Kubur Cina

Lau Niang heard a very kesian but funny story from a colleague few days ago. She is currently dating an ex policeman and this story is about the ex police man's best friend.


Apparently, that guy loves banging Mak Nyah yer. One fine night, he found himself very horny so he went to Chow Kit road to find Mak Nyah. Then get this; right in the middle of the night, he drove that Mak Nyah to a deserted chinese graveyard somewhere in the outskirts of KL and they did it there!




This is not the keji part. He made the Mak Nyah strip habis habis and he merely unzipped himself only. Never take off any piece of clothing also. Demi nak buat business, the Mak Nyah pun rela sajer. So keji kan? kan?


This is still not the keji part okeh. Ya...it gets worse. When he is finally done with the Mak Nyah, he just threw money at the Mak Nyah.....


And he drove off.


With all of the Mak Nyah's clothing as well.


Yes....the poor Mak Nyah was left stranded stark naked in a deserted chinese graveyard in the middle of the night okeh. The poor Mak Nyah have to lari bogel terkangkang kangkang chasing after the car but naturally she couldn't keep up lah. Last last really stranded bogel in the graveyard.



Question: What would you have done if you were driving pass a chinese graveyard in the middle of the night and suddenly you see a naked Mak Nyah with smeared make up and after sex hair running after your car screaming for help????

Cibai Camera Shop

This is the supidest camera shop that has the nerves to run its business in the face of the earth. Where is this shop? It is currently occupying and thus polluting and smearing the name of One Utama. This foul smelling shop also houses one of the silliest and rudest staff that i've ever seen in my whole life.

Seriously, the sole reason of hiring staff in this shop is really to boil customer's blood and chase them away after that. Oh, and not to mention they are also all out to suck customer's blood after boiling them with their almighty-suka-ikut-kepala-bapak price tag.

What happened you asked? Why is lau niang so worked up you asked? Well...so happen i just dropped by this fucked up shop just to survey price on a camera that i wish to buy. The staff try to buat sial with me....sorry lah. Wrong tail to step on. Here's the more detailed account of what happened.

Me: Hi, can i just ask what is your retail price for this camera?

Cibai Staff: Oh its rm5,100

Me: Wah why so expensive?

Cibai Staff: Standard price.

Me: I did ask a few shops and i got offers as low as rm4,900.....

Cibai Staff: Then you buy from that shop lah. I never mind one.

Me: ?!?!?!???!!!!!

Cibai Staff: You don't see cheap only you buy. Maybe they selling fake models. You got read hong kong magazine not? But if you still want to buy its up to you lah....

Me: Does your shop sell fake cameras as well?

Cibai Staff: Of course not.

Me: Then i am sure other shops are practicing the same ethics and they certainly won't like being accused of selling fake models.

Before he can say anything, i marched to the supervisor of the shop and tapped his shoulder and i went...

Me: Seriously, your staff is going to cause this shop to loose A LOT of business. Good luck surviving....

And i marched out of the shop without even looking back.

Not only was the staff rude, is he actually implying that i dunno how to tell a fake camera from a real one and what else is he trying to say? Only his shop selling original cameras is it???? I only wished my camera phone can zoom in further so that i can snap a picture of that bastard staff yang mulut hangsuang puaka tu.

PTUUIII!!!

Warm and Fuzzy Dinner

The past few months has been spent in solitude. Being well hidden from blogosphere, lau niang had pratically no life. Serious shit okeh.

Work has been really merciless....

My masters dissertation feels like i'm in an ultra gory Quentin Tarantino movie....


With both conditions in hand for me to juggle, i had no time for other things at all. Except for my new found love, photography. Heh hehe....i've started to pick things up quite seriously lately and i''ve accepted a few wedding jobs. Things are looking pretty exciting ahead....

So that's what i've been doing the whole time. Working. Studying. Editing pictures. All by myself.

Really saddening.

I was pretty assured that Ken Watanabe is going to ditch me for some young bimbo and i'm going to die an old maid already. Not until Joe invited me for dinner. Not just any dinner. This dinner meant something. To me at least. Joe has been a very nice friend i've known for a couple of years but due to time constraints, we hardly had the chance to meet up. But we remained in touch nevertherless.

And yesterday, Joe invited me over to his place for a dinner that he prepared himself. Now that's a first for me i gotta tell you. I've never had anyone cooked for me (except for mom and gramma) in my whole life. And what a blast i had. For a guy, the dishes he prepared was really impressive. Out friend even made terung...knowing that i love them very much. Heh heh!

T'was a very very sumptious 3 course dinner with soup even. The evening was very quiet and peaceful and we had a very good time watching animes ( My 2nd love interested now aside from photography. I on the way nak convert perky dah..claymore claymore...) after dinner. Its just the kind of break i need from all the pressure of work and studies.

Everything just seems.....nice to me. It was just small gestures but it left me feeling warm and fuzzy all night long.

Thanks for the wonderful dinner Joe.....really appreciate it. :D

Keysah Epik Chinta Di Tepi Jalan...

Alkisah adanya seorang perempuan kebaya high fashion yang keayuannya teramat sangat....

"My name is Sasha Fierce! Sasha Fierce!"

Kechantiqan Sasha Fierce teramatlah sangat sehingga Mak Nyah dari Pat Pong turut memendam rasa deng deng jeles.

Akan tetapi.....tiada sesiapa pun yang tahu akan secret Sasha Fierce. Hakikatnya, Sasha Fierce sangat feeling loner beloner......

"Haih.....kenaps shuban merks tak sampai sampai lagi nih.....fenats mek duduk tepi jalan tunggu everday okeh......"

"Hamboi hamboi....jantan tuh scanning merks ker? Like...FINALLY!!"

Dengan berkat iman yang kuat dan kuasa Tuhan Ilahi...one fine day.....

"Oh tuhanku...dier masih scanning merks lagi! Shit..so many things to plan lah. When to choose our wedding date? How many kids do i want with him? Time wedding nak pakai Vera Wang ker Balenciaga? Eee tension nyer merk...!!"

"Ello cik abang oi....you taste merks ker? I nampak you scanning kat i tadi....tapi never mind. Merk rela....."

Jantan: Sori stoberi....i tak taste fomfuan acelly. I taste kebaya you sajer. Fierce sangat. You rasa ada tak size mak?

MERK SENTIPS!!!!!!!

"You get your paws away dari kebaya mak okeh. Nih limited edition haute couture dari Aspadarina...Carrie Bradshaw sex and city also pakai okeh...sorry....you tak carry!! "

Akan tetapi....jantannya sangat persistent. TETAP nak pakai kebaya merah Sasha Fierce sehhinga sanggup menjadi stalker.


"Eh hello! I dah kater jangan ikoot merks lagi okeh....you memang tak carry kebaya. Ko pakai jer baju kurung...jangan lawan kehendak Tuhan okeh...kalo tak....."



"MERK MANDREM UOLS NANTI!!"

Akhirnya jantan tersebut lari lintang pukang terkencing kencing.

Dan Sasha Fierce pun get over it dan kembali menunggu shuban tulennyer dengan gaya posing high fashion......

Gosh its sooo good to be back blogging again! How is everyone in the world doing? Lau niang is absoolootley fine :D been busy with work and studies lately but there isn't one day that went by where i don't miss blogging.

As you can see, i have been doing a lot of photo shoots for lots of people. Paul and Lisa here were such great sports and really fun to work with. And no....the little picture story is not real okeh....biasalah....kerja i kan shit stirrer.

More shits to stir very very soon.....keep reading!

THE BITCH IS BACK IN THE HOUSE...

All hell will break loose on....

FRIDAY
10.04.09

Be afraid.....be very afraid.....

Little Mermaid: Ariel's Begining

HOMYGAWWDDD........IT. IS. FINALLY. HERE!!

What is here???

PREQUEL TO LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now as you all know....lau niang is huge huge fan of Little Mermaid you know. Ever since the feature animation came out in 1989, I never stopped watching the cartoon till this very day. My 1st copy of pirated very-blur video tape (they celotape a 4r pic of the poster on the video box only and sell it at rm40 back then you know) evolved to the posh-er red-and-blue HVD tape evolved to a pirated VCD evolved to DVD. Yes people, the cartoon survived all technology and i am still watching it RELIGIOSLY. I hafal all the skrip and song you know.


Then while DVD shopping in pasar malam few weeks back, i spotted this. I refused to believe its real; after all this years. Although they had a sequel done some years before. Yang Ariel make baby with Prince Eric one.


BUT A PREQUEL!!


I dun expect it to be as good as the 1st installment but what the heck. It's still little mermaid!! Gotta have it! As i inserted the disc into the player my hands already shivering in excitement to press play button. Press play only a very very familar scene popped up.

TETAP must have King Triton's Castle okeh!!!

Then hor....start start only got come out Ariel Zaman baby. So cute lei!!!




See see!! So cute!! That time her nen nen haven't grow so just wrap with handkerchief but must tetap same colour with her shell bra. Then King Triton's hair still brunnette; haven't turn white lagi katanya.


Then got new mermaid!!




You guess who is this?? This is Ariel's Lau Bu lah!! Never come out before one lei!! Notice she's wearing Ariel's future bra not? Rupa-rupanya Ariel kena pakai hand-me-down bra jer. So ker lian hor. Hope the cup size is correct lah. Ariel's Lau Bu nen nen seems bigger. Oh her name is not Lau Bu lah....its Athena by the way. Last time in Sunday School i got indian fren her name is Athena also.

But Athena hor,(not indian Athena okeh...focus focus!) very short lived lor. You see her singing along to a music box (that is like her heart of the ocean lah, sentimental gift from husband).....sing sing sing until never realized Captain Barbosa coming in his Black Pearl from behind.



In the midst of the panic, she try to escape but she left her music box behind so she U -Turn to cuba rescue the music box. But her tail tersepit and then just gone case like that. Died because of music box. Leaving behind seven mer-girls to husband. So silly but so cham also lah. King triton ma very trauma lor, so he banned music from his ocean. Dowan to be reminded of his wife.





Ten years later, Ariel grew into puberty full of angst. You know teenagers lah, forever rebel kan. Hate that age level. Come from broken family pulak tu. Dah lah cannot sing song some more, lagi rebel lah kan. Always fighting neck to neck with daddy. "I want to sing!! I won't budge I won't budge gitue...." (harus mek larriikk sorok bawah Atlantic Ocean pasal sudah offended someone now....)

Oh and this part Ariel has a governess who looks after her and her sisters too. She's actually the villian of the show.




Meet Marina Del Rey, (not marinara pasta okeh) the super diva aunty mermaid boroi. Acelly hor if you see the movie throughout kan, her hair color keeps changing one. Why???





Because she is ratu wig. Just like lau niang. Only thing she has nicer wigs lah. Not like me, only got rambut style perempuan gila baru kena rogol 5 round. Anyways, Marina is gila kuasa one lor, she secretly wanna rampas Sebastian's title.

But where is Sebastian??? Why never come out all this while??






Sebastian reprises his role as right-hand man (or in this case right-claw crab) to King Triton. But he has something under his sleeve. (Insert Mary Alice narration and Desperate Housewife soundtrack) In spite of holding such an influencial post, everyone in Atlantic Ocean has their darkest secrets....








You remembered King Triton banned music already right? How can you take the Samba and Flamenco away from Cha-cha diva Sebastian kan. Kau tau.....our fren....dier bukak La Queen Haram!!! Yess.....i'm not kidding. Every night he sneaks out of the palace and pergi cucuk langit in a secret La Queen well hidden in some caves.

Buat solo performance tengah podium plak tu.

Then one night he kena kantoi with Ariel who caught him red handed singing lor. Ariel being a song whore herself, what you expect her to do?? Of course she breaks into a song herself.

Shaddapp....shaddapp!!!!! Nih solo merk tau!!!!!! Merk keyyyysaaahh lah nyahh!!!

Yes yes.....sebastian very geram and jeles Ariel can sing better than him. Ge-les!! Then kena kantoi not enough, the next night Ariel brought all her sister to La Queen untuk melacur some more.



There's Attina, Alana, Adela, Aquata, Arista, Andrina, and then Ariel. In order. Yes i know all their names. Dun fuck with me okeh. So they all go la queen and cik cur together until kena kantoi by King Triton. Jeng jeng jeng!! Drama drama......who tell? Ma Marina tell lor.

So naturally Sebastian losses his job and gets imprisoned. Marina wish come true lor. But not for long. Ariel goes to Sebastian's rescue and they escape together. King Triton pun very gabra kehilangan anak right.....takut kena terung by some kidnappers wait. But dunno mermaid got lobang not lah.

Anyways he sends the whole country look for Sebastian and Ariel. Seeing how concerned King Triton is over them, Marina pun tergugat. So she sends her super evil sidekick to KILL both Ariel and Sebastian. Gasp!!!! Who is the evil sidekick so powerful????


Ha ha ha ha ha!! Mek propah jer. Meet Benjamin. He is indeed Marina's sidekick but you see his face lah so teddy bear. How to be evil kan. Benjamin always wisdom Marina to be good but Marina won't budge. So she releases her pets to kill Ariel and Sebastian demi giler kuasa.


This is not main main okeh. Even Ursula also got 2 koochirat eels only. Marina got SEVEN. And they're all like 10 times the size of Flotsam and Jetsam okeh. Seriously their scene in the cartoon is indeed scary. Small girl see will cry one lor.

The story ends when King Triton catches Marina red handed trying to kill Ariel lor. In all Disney movies of course must have happy ending one lah right. Then after that Ariel ma psycho King Triton to allow music in the ocean again lor. She found her Lau Bu's music box along the way and tries to remind King Triton of the good times they had together.



King Triton kena psycho then he ma very jiwang jiwang lor. Keep thinking of his late wife kan. Last last he lifted the ban and all the ocean started singing again.


King Triton pun sambung berangan together - gether with his wife again. Sangat jiwang kan???


Kesimpulan nyer, all die hard little mermaid and bibiknyonya fans must watch this cartoon....

.....coz it's a feel good cartoon!!

Trust me, you see oledi you will very happy wanna become cha-cha diva also one.

Lau Niang Chats With a Porn Star

Oh. My. Gkk!!

People, i am doing a LIVE BLOGGING now. As i am writing this post, i am now watching an X tube clip and chatting with a guy. Shut up, lau niang is not pervert okeh. Hear me out 1st.

So this guy....NO SELF PICS.....ask me to show my self pic. No hal. I ma show lor. Show already not enough. Nak demand my cam some more. I asked for his pic again he say dun have. He's discreet katanya. FINE. I just reluctantly on my cam lor. Just being polite kan.

Then hor.....he showed me an X tube. I tengah watching an online horror movie so kan ceong you now. I told him i will watch later but he insisted i watch it now. Very nice one...katanya. I was kinda ticked off already. Its just a stupid porn clip. But ok fine...so i went to see....just to see what is all the fuss about lah.

When I saw the clip.......astaga belakang pintu...tuhan saja yang tau dia punya horror. It was SO SLEAZY!! Bad camera angles. Cheesy disco music background and both of the guys like dead fish....yang kena stroke. The clip 5 mins long, over 3 mins the btm guy lying on top doing god knows what. Fondling and fondling and fondling. Like he's kneading a dough. Buat rancangan pastry ker? How to make croissant.

Oh did i mention it was one of those headless clip? Yeah that's the most irritating type one lor. You know like when they put the camera facing the bed and then all you see is....umm....a fencing tournament. Lawan pedang katanya. Yeah the whole time like that no head at all. Cock head only got.

I remember my cam is still on so i tried my best not to yawn or look bored. I was no where near to being aroused okeh! Then he finally asked me what i thought of it. I wanted to say what i said here already but....i just brushed it off with a simple "ok ok lah..." statement. Then he finally revealed something.

The top guy was in the clip was him!

My god......good thing i kept my mouth shut okeh! I felt so sorry for him. I felt like telling him ala Karen Walker style....

"Oh honey......you poor thing....that's not sex.....*insert sympathy smile* ...no.....i'm so sorry.."

Then only it occured to me. All along the fucker wont even show me a face pic but he sanggup post his own sex clip for the whole world to see. How is that being discreet kan.

I told him off in the face. "You willing to show your sex clip for the whole world to see but you wont show me a face pic....claiming that you are discreet? How are you being discreet??! Planet earth has free access to your butt hole. " And he casually say "I never show my face in the clip mah, discreet lor...."

I CAN DIE OKEH.

Discreet katanya. I cannot tahan anymore terus i bukak blogger and start typing all this furiosly. I dun even know how to respond to him. And then he said the most fantastic statement.

"Wah why you reply me so slow suddenly ah.... (He doesn't know i'm blogging now) enjoying my clip lei. You wanna enjoy with me not? I can meet you up next week then we can have a good time also. Want?"

Oh tuhanku.......i sinfully repent now. I will never drive any engineers up the wall anymore. I wont talk siau siau to chatters anymore. I promise i wont sing Little Mermaid songs in my mind when people talking to me anymore. Lau Niang bertaubat.......

Can anyone (besides me) be more perasan or not you tell me. I chat with him i can pengsan how many times already. Showing me his sleazy sex clips one after another (yes there's more than one but all is sama konspep) and PROUDLY claiming he's discreet the whole time. I began responding slower and slower to him (coz i blogging here) and finally he decides to leave.

" I see you very busy now ah. So slow reply geh? Are you wanking to my clip? Ha ha ha....ok lah i wanna go bathe now. You dun so notti oh....if really cannot tahan just give me a call. We can have fun together like that also....."

I swear i am THIS close to embedding the clip here in my blog okeh. I can do documentry yang bertajuk "Do you know fishes can have sex even after they die?"

Lau Niang cepat cepat pakai baju kurung and shades hitam besar yang cover half the face ala Siti Sifir Along.

"Ramuan untuk dokumetari hari ini ialah 2 ekor bangkai ikan. Mula mula....ambil seekor bangkai ikan. Letakkan bangkai ikan di atas seekor lagi bangkai ikan. TADA! Tuan tuan dan puan puan.....begitu lah gaya dua ekor bangkai ikan mengawan....sekian terima kasih. Jumpa lagi minggu depan dalam segmen Siti Sifir! Satu..kali satu....satu! Satu....kali dua....dua! "

*insert Along theme song and credit titles...*