Monday, September 13, 2010

Kisah Misteri Kasut Terbang

Such a malufying day at gym today.

So i was doing my regular combat class. Lots of punching. And even more kicking. And when i kick, i kick ass. I was so in the zone there's this track that requires me to do high high kicks ala Chun Li. Main kaki naik langit one. So i ma tendang all out lor.

Suddenly i saw 1 shoe flying in mid air.

"Eh...whose shoe is that...look so familar one...yellow colour some mine only i see..."

"Fark.....why is my right leg barefooted!!"


I was standing smack in the centre of the class and there goes my striking yellow shoe flying in mid air in the middle of a class. And what's shoe landed on the girl in front of me. Landed on her shoulder and 2 inch away from her head. Walaupun i kena jelingan garang, I quickly apologized profusely and slipped on the shoe, pretend nothing happened and continued kicking. Clenching my toes inside my shoe now in fear of it flying for the second time......

Note to self: STICH the shoe lace to ankles so that it wont fly anywhere during combat class.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Keysah if Lau Niang is Money Boy

It feels so weird to be looking back at this all-too-familiar blog window.

So much has happened since the last i blogged. Good and bad things. But close friends of mine never stopped encouraging me to start blogging again. It sure feels nice to be remembered and appreciated that here i am...returning their kind gestures.

So just recently, i was having this very interesting discussion with a fellow friend who now thinks he's a blogger. Larriikkk! Back to this interesting conversation. We were talking boys. Not bitching about anyone in particular, but just discussing the issues in general.

And that got me thinking. What does it feels like to be a money boy?? Not that i'm intending to be one (lau niang is not so cheapskate hor please...i can afford my own LV. Petaling street pon Petaling Street lah, at least its my own money and i didn't kill any mak datin and run away with her LV nor do i have to give blowjobs to 80 year old uncles on their death beds okeh)

To my own understanding, a moneyboy is a person (hopefully male, and young enough) who goes after elder or more well to do men, makes them feels good and in return, spends their money to buy lavish things. And i say this with due respect. Not that i hate moneyboys. I have nothing against them. I only discriminate stupid and ugly people.

It came to my knowledge that being a money boy is anything but simple. Its really not easy to make a man WILLINGLY spend money on you. You need good enough assets to entice and attract your targetted man first i'm told. Makes sense no? So a moneyboy needs to equip himself with such qualities to name a few:

a good and attractive physique. Ko hado???

a sweet sweet mouth who knows how to make the man feels like he owns the world. Mampu? mampu??

all the patience in the world. You can never throw tantrums or upset your man under any circumstances. Rela??

If me....die lor. Who would want a moneyboy who has the same stats as Popeye's girlfriend with a molot so puaka even pontianak also run away crying and the PMS of a 40 year old virgin? Maybe they will pay me money to stay away kot.

So i know lah, i don't have what it takes to be a moneyboy. But lets just make believe a little. I always admired this skill of moneyboys. Trust me its not easy to squeeze money from men at all these days. Especially typical chinese guys. They are trained to earn all the money in the world and make it a point to stuff all their wads of cash into their own coffin when they die. No one gets a dime. Wah Loi Toi says so. So i imagined a little of what would i do and say in a given situation.

Me: Dear.....I want LV bag. Buy for me can or not?? Very cheap. 18 ribu only. I love you.

Daddy: Cannot lah....we cannot be so materialistic one...

Me: Umm.....but i wanna look good to you mah. You wanna feel proud being seen with me also right? I love you.

Daddy: No, we have to be discreet in public. Cannot be so loud lah, wait my 4 wife and 18 grandchildren find out i die lah.

Me: Thats going to happen soon what. Ok ok...then i hold the LV in a very manly way so that i look discreet ok? I love you.

Daddy: No lah, that's not a good idea. How can you hold a bag in a manly way. Even without a bag you're not manly already. With bag then you look more woman than my 4 wife. I love the way you are now. U look very simple and charming. I love you too.

Me: hummph....ok lor. Lets have dinner then. I feel like having Japanese. Ok for you?

Daddy: Not today darling...i feel like char kuey teow.

Me: KNNCCB chau ku niang......

See....i'm not cut out to be a moneyboy. Told you so.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Hello Roy

Now you believe?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Keysah Launiang Kena Kantoi Anime Rogayah

So i was having a slow and peaceful weekend. I was lying in bed with my iced coffee and the chilly air con running....with my lappie on a lil' breakfast-in-bed table doing my photo editing job.

While watching gay anime.

Its not porn okeh. Just some gay themed cartoon so its no big deal lah.

Not until mommy SUDDENLY pops in with ah niece in her arms going "Baby...see what uncle is doing....coochi coochi coo...."

Ya uncle is watching gay anime. Jangan kacau.

I went like... "Fuck fuck fuckety fuck....faster go away!!! Please don't have any love scenes!!!"

Did mommy go away??

Not only did she NOT go away...she made herself comfortable by sitting beside me. And she started feeding ah niece with a FULL bottle of milk.

You think that is the ultimate horror??

Tup tup tup.....the two MALE AND GAY cartoon characters in tv started french kissing!!!!!!

Lau Niang buat buat busy and very engrossed with my editing job konon konon like i tak perasan what just happened in tv okeh.

After like an eternity of awkward silence....akhirnya mommy mengeluarkan statement cepumas.

" You haven't been to church for a long time hor....."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Keysah Lau Niang Membuat Family Portrait

Last weekend, i had the chance to do a long needed family portrait for my lil' niece. Ever since her birth a little over a month ago, ah niece has grown freakishly so much. See how much she's grown...

Ok it doesn't look that convincing in pictures. But she's huge in real. I put up this picture because its a nice shot only. Ha ha ha ha!

Anyways, it was a very casual but intimate shoot between ah niece and mommy and daddy. They were all candid shots; nothing posey (she's too young to learn posing 101. Wait 2 more years lau niang will train her to walk in 5 inch heels. And spin in them. ) I took under an hour to finish up the whole session (can't shoot too long pasal ah niece tidur mati macam balak. How you tickle her also tak bangun bangun. Gaya tidur sama macam mak. Larrriikkk!)

So here's some editorial shots of Ah Niece and mommy and daddy......

And how can i do without artsier shots. Tak sahlah macam tu kan.....

And i saved one last pic for the last. One of my favourite shots.

Really rare to get such angelic combination of serenity, innocence with an edgy angle in a single picture.

So dengan shameless nyer, sapa sapa nak buat portrait dan photoshoot yang vas vas can always e mail lau niang okeh?? ha ha ha h ha ha!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Keysah Lau Niang Membuat Extreme Makeover

Perky is so gonna fry me for stealing her thunder but.....chak chak chak chak.....ada aku keyssahh???

So storynyer like this....about like a month ago....Perky berangan nak baby baru macham Angelina Jolie. After having 2 cats with eating disorder (seriously, perky's cats needs lyposuction and believe me, its not for beauty purpose...larrriiik) Perky berangan wanna have a dog this time plak.

Knowing that my dad has good contacts in dealing with canine pets, she pon assigned me to find a puppy.

One that doesn't hate her. Opps.

One that isn't taller than her. Opps.

One that won't bark at her at sight.Opps.

One that won't piss on her. Opps.

Then came the brainstorming and consultation session. Big question of what is the right breed to get with the right budget. dad found 4 newborn toy poodles. Lau niang ma go and check stock 1st lor. See see the dog come one like....

Toing!!! Aiyo....acelly the dog look ok one but dunno why look so huru hara in picture. I know perky would like her to convince her with such a horrorful pic? Mata kuyu, bulu nipis, expression blank, rambut tak perm.....Look like anjing cinderella yang kotor dan busuk dipungut dari parit lor.

When Perky 1st saw the pic....terus kena label world's most unphotogenic dog. Haah...amek kau. But i keep telling her the dog looks better in real...hoping that she will buy my story.

My dad redeemed the dog about a week before perky came to collect it. And after good food and good bath and good camera, akhirnya poodle menjadi siap.

JANG!!! Muka berjaya dengan suksesnya. It was love at 1st sight when everyone saw Sasha for the 1st time. Yep that's her name. Sasha. Thankfully, poodles are very sociable by nature so there are no strangers to Sasha. She would just jump and prance around ANYBODY. Heck, even my 3 year old cousin tried to dognap her. He wrestled his own mother and cried in a failed attempt to run away with Sasha. Ha ha ha ha! Definitely Perky's kind of dog.

Here's more shots of Sasha after undergoing my Modelling 101's intensive class....

Is it just me or does Sasha reminds you of Susan Boyle??

Monday, June 22, 2009

Keysah Lau Niang Menjadi Porcupine

For the past week, i have been suffering under what i call THE worst neckache i've EVER had in my life. You know those neck aches you get when you slept on the wrong position on bed then you wake up not being able to look up, left or right? Yeah...

It lasted almost a whole fucking week.

I tried twisting my neck towards the painful side with force hoping that it will 'pop' only to cause more pain.

I tried those Salonpas medicated plasters. Did not help at all.

I tried sleeping on 3 pillows. Did not sleep at all.

It wasn't until i went back to my hometown complaining to Lau lau niang...lau niang's Ah Bu lah. Its amazing how she can listen to my constant new complains every week when i go back. She immidiately took me to a chinese doctor. I was in so much pain i'd try anything. Heck i'm even willing to go to a vodoo shaman let alone a chinese doctor.

The doctor squeezed my neck a little and he immediately knew that i left the pain for a few days at least. He was so right. By the time i got there, my shoulders were already stiff from the swelling. I also had the chance to ask the doctor who or what was the culprit behind my neck ache from hell. And he said either i

a) carried heavy things and dislocated my shoulder (no way this delicate oriental flower is carrying anything heavy


b) sit in front of the computer too long (DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)

Lau niang is guilty of surfing porn doing masters dissertation like orang gila over the weekends. Maklumlah ada hati nak jadi successful career woman lau niang pun type thesis non stop. Like from 8pm till 5am non stop okeh. Serious shit. I wish it was sex instead. I guess that must have been it.

It was so bad until the doctor said i needed to do accupuncture and a massage.

You know what is accupuncture???

Ok ok ok i'm being a drama queen. But its quite similiar i tell you. Seriously, i did not see an accupuncture coming at all. I was expecting some cream or pills perhaps. But accupuncture?! At 1st impression, i was kinda weirded out, scared but yet excited. It'll be like....getting a new tattoo. Heh heh.

Being the huge sick fan of pain that i am, the accupuncture was of course....very very bearable. On a scale of 1 to 10 of pain...i'd give it a 1.5. But i was poked at some of the weirdest spots. I had like over 20 needles all over my shoulder, neck and...head. I had fucking needles on my head. Its freaking weird.

Then i was left (with the needles on) to bake under a heating lamp for half an hour. Like an iguana. It was the most boring half hour of my life. I din have my phone around to play with and i was scared to sleep. What if i tidur mati, and i started tossing and turning until the needles get buried INSIDE my neck and *gasp* HEAD?? No way in gay hell i'm going to be a permanent porcupine okeh.

Finally the nurse came and remove all my needlees. I thought the worst was over.

Just after that, came along a blind massuer who started squeezing my neck. This is not those sleazy body to body kinky massage okeh. This is massage package neraka. The massuer had insanely strong hands and he was squeezing and wringling and kneading and punching my shoulders and neck in the most unimaginable ways. And i never knew such level of pain existed. At some point, i thought he tried to dismember my arms from my shoulders. With his bare hands. This is no where near the pain of accupuncture. OR tattooing. Yes its more painful that 8 hours of tattooing. I wish i was dead instead.

By the time the session ended, my entire back is so sore so much so i''m distracted by the pain on my neck. Which is still there by the way.

But at least i can turn my neck and the pain somewhat subsided many many hours later. So here i am on a monday night, still in pain, typing my blog and getting ready for work tomolo. Lets just hope i won't look like a hunchback Quasimodo tomolo....