Monday, March 26, 2007

I'm Elegant.....And That's Final

Following my previous flying pizza incident, I was victimized by another similar mishap last weekend. See, I was having dinner with The Housemate and we had fried chicken wings as a side dish. I noticed how he could actually eat those wings CLEANLY using only forks and spoon. And I used my usual way of tearing it up in pieces with my bare hands; gnawing and chewing the flesh….like an Amazon cannibal.

Moving on, he ordered for extra ice coz the shop so stingy on ice in the drinks. Being the ice cube whore I am, once again I greedily picked the largest cubes and plopped them into my drinks. Once I was done, I noticed that The Housemate actually used a teaspoon and scooped those slippery ice cubes meticulously before gently dropping it into the drinks.

Feeling flustered…I had to make my remarks of course.

Me: You’re freaky you know that. You eat chicken wings with forks and spoon. If that’s not weird enough, you pick ice using a teaspoon!

Housemate: That’s because I have elegant table etiquette and you don’t…

Me: (ni mak hangin nih…dah tak puas hati already; pantang dicabar tau!) Wh…who say I not elegant! See I can pick ice with spoon also ok. Watch and learn….

With exhilarating confidence, I started scooping spoonfuls of ice and dumping it into his glass of tea. Man was I graceful…..

Me: See, I told you I can be elegant if I want…

I felt even more confident and I starting scooping faster and faster….displaying my finesse in scooping ice…..when suddenly…

A whole spoonful of crushed ice fell onto his plate of rice…..

Housemate: (starts glaring at me)…….elegant you say???!

Me: Ooops….ha ha ha….eat chicken wing, eat chicken wing. Must eat while still hot.

I hurriedly scooped a chicken wing and shoved it on his plate before he complains further.

But the chicken wing fell on the table…

Do not judge me ok…we all had our moments…and I’m still elegant!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Gay Movie Are Not Fun.....

Seriously. No I’m not talking about porn. Of course I heart porn. Why you people so hamsap one….always think about porn only. I’m talking bout real gay themed movies here. I’m talking bout Brokeback Mountain and shit.

Today, I was watching this Chinese drama series. A gay one. It belongs to The Housemate so I was just helping myself. Its entitled Crystal Boys. I know….the title also so bottom. What the hell are Crystal Boys??! An why is the guy holding that oh-so-gay pink flowers?? What not sissy enough arh? But what the heck right…..just watch only lah. I watched 2 discs only and I’m gasping for air and mercy to be released off this torture already. I mean yeah; of course the casting is great. Handsome topless guys kissing and what not….but oh the storyline…..

After watching this movie, it just occurred to me. Why are all gay movies so tragic? First there’s the infamous depressing Lan Yu. Then came the even more traumatizing Brokeback Mountain. In both movies, the innocent jilted boyfriend always has to die; having the surviving partner spend the rest of his life in remorse and guilt; and of course making the audience gag and puke….feeling equally depressed in the end.

I was told that Queer As Folk is equally as depressing; a series that showcases all possible problems faced by gay men? I’m telling you, the box sets are lying there right under my nose. But do I look like I care? Take a look at my nonchalant I-couldn’t-care-less face. I wish I can post a self pic here if I could to show you how NOT bothered I am.

And then of course, there’s the oh-so-bottom Crystal Boys. This movie I have to tell you….is no better. It’s set in a very rural province of China or Taiwan…or Shanghai…maybe Singapore? You name some countries with poor Chinese in it. And of course our very handsome hunky gay boy has to be brought up in an ultra poor family where they stay in mud huts and feed on tree barks or whatever insects that comes their way and drink from the river where they also bathe and do their laundry and wash their backsides there. Then of course, we can’t leave out the usual package.

Drunkard father abuses wife in front of kids, wife runs away with a poor musician (of which she gets dumped and succumbs to prostitution eventually) leaving children to be raised by drunk father alone. Ten years later poor handsome boy grows up into a steamy hunk, goes to senior high school, meets other cute classmates…..and that’s where the fun starts.


Here’s a very short typical scene I extracted from the movie. Its so cliché I tell you.

What seemed like an innocent game of basketball (get this) in a bedroom....(how convenient)

....became an spur of the moment infatuation as the 2 donkeys fell on the bed

Eyes meet....hands touch.....suddden silence...sudden fear.....bullshit's calling me, i had better be going...

So the little innocent friendship blossoms; both thinking tht they are perfectly normal friends. Until our handsome hero's little brother passes away....

Oooh...I'm so sad....just let me die....i don't wanna live hoo....

There there....don't cry, i'm here for, let me give you a hug....

Oh are so nice to me......


Oh man....we shouldn't be doing this man.... i'm getting married to Ah Lian next month

Oh but it feels so right....(and hot sex ensues....of course)

Angry dad: What!! You had sex with a guy in school??! Get out of my house....i don't have a son like you! (yawn...)

Dad kicked me off the house....can i stay with you? You love me right?? Right???

Sorry man....Ah Lian cooked char siew pau for me today...i gotta go home. Bye forever.....

See what I mean? Gay movies are ALWAYS like that! Someone has to die. Someone has to get dumped. Someone has to regret their whole lives. Fathers have to kick their gay sons out. If its not such a case, then it’ll be something like gay1 falls madly in love with gay2 but gay2 only wants some man meat. After getting what he wants he dumps gay1 then he commits suicide and gay2 regrets his whole life swearing not to have another ONS again but eventually sleeps with the handsome priest who conducted the funeral service and the cycle goes on…..

What is it with movie directors these days?? I’m beginning to suspect that all movie directors are so straight they can’t even spell G-A-Y and they’re out to scare the gay lights out of everyone; showing to the world how scary a gay man’s life can be; so much so until even gay men are afraid to be gay.

“Oh…if you’re gay you’ll never have a happy life. All your lovers will dump you for a hotter guy. Your dad’s gonna disown you. You‘ll end up all alone in the street under the rain. You’ll have to resort to be a cheap hooker and service sleazy ugly old greasy bellied men and die of AIDS eventually.”

Can’t we have more romantic comedies? The gay version? There’s plenty of America’s Sweethearts and The Holiday, and She’s all That, and 10 thing I Hate About You, Sweet November, A Walk in the Clouds and the list goes on. But you won’t find any gay movies of that sort. No, you only get Brokeback Mountain. You only get Lan Yu. And Crystal Boys. Every boyfriend has to die. Someone must cry in the end.

I’ve H-A-D-D-I-T with all these movies I’m telling you. If I meet any of the directors myself, I’m gonna shove that DVD up his straight homophobe ass. From now on, I’m only gonna watch HAPPY gay movies.

Porns. Gay ones. Lots and lots of them.....

All the actors are having fun making the movie, and the audiences have even more fun watching them. See how it works? So yeah people….if you wanna be happy, watch porn all day long. You are guaranteed a very happy explosive ending (pun not intended). Orgasms will release more endorphins and that makes us happier people. See I’m smiling all the way here…..Hey…that doesn’t mean I just had an orgasm ok.

I just happy only lah…err..err…..i’m only holiday mah, so I happy lah….cannot meh! Bye now....scuse me while i look for some tissues....

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Curse of the Chau Tar Chicken

Before I start of today’s post, Lau Niang want to tankyu a very special fellow blogger fren: Froggy who made this cute little Bibik Doll icon for me. Sosweet!!! Froggy, you are such a dear…thank you thank you!

So on with the show…

Today Lau Niang very hungry and angry you know. I bought a somewhat lavish breakfast today u ols. 1 packet of Nasi Lemak and 3 karipap. Total RM2 selepas memondan ngan mak cik jual nasi lemak and dapat diskaun. So I went straight to work and put all my stuff in the room. I went out a while to curnch and gossip a bit with my other colleagues only… food went missing when I came back!!!!!!!

Who in the world could possibly steal my food???! WHO??!?!?!? I hope whoever that karipap stealer is will choke on my food; develop a stomach ulcer after that and get a permanent buasir up his arse and may he step on wet dog shit and gets shitted by pigeons every day! I got no breakfast now you know!!!!!!!!! I want back my nasi lemak and karipap!!!!!! Mak very hungry and angry tau!!!

I’m having so much of bad luck with food these days. Contohnya yesterday also….i went to Secret Recipe with Poporoot and Perky and mama diva for dinner lah. I ordered their chicken cordon bleu which was SUPPOSE to be cheesy, boneless, yummy and what not. Hmmmm….if you say so…..

See the pic also like so sedap kan?


My dish turned up dry, no gravy at all with a few miserable fries that I can fry better. And to top it all up…the chicken is chau tar!! Hangus! Over cooked!! OK?!?! Its so black even Mama Diva is fairer than the overly fried chicken can?! (Wah larriiiikk!!) I mean even if you’re a fan of chau tar food, you don’t have to pay such a price at Secret recipe lah. Perky can make better chau tar food for you….. ( lari lagiiii!!!!)

I’m telling you it took such a huge effort to finish up that chunk of dry, burnt chicken! Heck, I’m eating at Secret Recipe; isn’t it supposed to be a renowned franchised restaurant that has to maintain a certain level of standards? How can you make people pay RM14.50 for a piece of burned chicken??!? If Tesco foodcourt never mind lah I understand. (Mati lah mak…I hope Mr. Tesco doesn’t read this) Nih Secret Recipe tau!!!

I’m SO SO SO never gonna eat that thing again! I tell you….if you reeeally need to eat there, stick to the lasagna and the spaghettis. Its comparatively safer. No….I remember Poporoot once got a bitter lasagna. Dunno why its bitter also. Chau tar again??!? So scratch that. New mesasage: do not eat anything there except for the cakes and spaghettis. That’s the only decent thing they can make there. Or at least that’s the only thing they haven’t screw up YET. Oh…..and do ask Perky how good is their mashed potato. I bet she'll have a lot to say.

I don’t care if I sound like I’m trashing Mr. Secret Recipe but I have this responsibility to warn the public of any potential harm. Eating chau tar food will cause lung cancer you know. And that will spread to the cranium and rectum and you’ll have to do an enema after that otherwise you will get concussion.

Wah….i feel so smart after watching Grey’s Anatomy. I can speak surgeon already!!! Hmm…maybe I can consider a career change…who knows I’ll meet a Mc Steamy in one of those OR rooms.

What does OR stands for by the way? Orginal Recipe?? Any help there…..anyone??

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Lau Niang goes to book fair

Last Friday, Lau Niang went on a book frenzy. I’m telling you, I was on rampage! I ran amok….like I’ve never seen books all my life before. Ok…so that was a little over….tapi suka mak lah! It was Catty who brought me to this MPH book fair…..hidden in the seclusion the ever busy city. I’ve never even been to the place before and the entire book fair is like a night market.

It was held in open air. Those giant unglamorous fans that blows your hair out of proportion stood in every corner you can find. The whole area is packed with jostling people browsing books everywhere. Promoters hollered great deals over the microphone like their selling pots and pans in a night market.

But oh the discounts……it’s crazy I’m telling you. It’s a haven for book whores! I’ve never bought so many books in a day before. And EVERYTHING costed below RM100. I kid you not. Latest fictions were on sale for RM20+, hardcovers was on half price and the deal goes on.

So this is what I bought….


Only RM 1o!!!!!

Hardcover.....RM37. Used to cost RM70. Been aiming for this book since 1930.....

RM 20 only!

Ain’t that a great deal! And to top it all up, I went for YET ANOTHER book fair. On the same day. I know….its crazy….told you I’m a book whore. Ha ha ha!

But sad to say, the Popular book fair was a real boo boo. Despite the comfy air conditioned venue (it was held in Ikano), the discounts were so stingy I tell you. Its like…although the selections are comparatively better there….but the discount only point lah! All see no touch only.

But Lau Niang still managed to grab a title under the 70% discount bin though. I can never leave a bookshop empty handed. I managed to get Albert Camus’ The Plague for just RM16. How’s that?

I went home so contented and proud. I now have enough to read for a year man! So if u ols will excuse me, I have to get back to my reading now. And meanwhile you get all your asses to that book fair. IF its still there….

You don’t know what you’re missing man!