Monday, December 17, 2007

Shooting Ping pongs in Patpong

The long long long long awaited post.......night life in Bangkok. Sorry for the long wait lah nyah, mak lazy busy tau. Ops. As mentioned, i was with 3 female colleagues during this trip. So no gay bars and agogo boys for me this time. Huh huh.....only got kipap bar jer. Allergic mak. Ha ha ha!

But still it was quite a fun experience no less. Really an eye opener.

So this is Patpong area. Really looks like a mini Vegas there....only thing there's no casinos. Only made up of titty bars. I had the manager of my school canteen's company toured the 4 of us there. Really an awkward company. But what the heck.

My first visit to a titty bar. Man i have so much to bitch i dunno where to start. Being teachers, naturally the girls have never been to such places, and the closest thing i've been to compared to this are gay bars. And they're quite different i tell you. Oh we were such virgins there. Ooh-ing and aah-ing at all the lights and women.

Then we went to what people would call a ping pong show there of course. The women there would pull all kinds of horror stunts wif their kipap to wow all the horny ang moh audiences. I tell you, Dean Cain should have been there to do a coverage for Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

So we went in to this bar like an hour earlier before the show started. We ordered our boozes and had a little chit chat whilst all the girls were just gyrating in skimpy bikinis around the poles on the stage. Me and my hags were busy commenting on how flat that girl's boobs are, or how the other girl on the right looks like an elephant seal.

Got one girl winked at me and try to main mata i buat duh only. She must be so disspointed. Sorry lah nyah, mak allergy kipap.

And finally the show started. Its quite a freakshow. Really. All the performing girls took their turn to go up on stage to do their stunts. And all of them would start off with a lil' dance and then they would roll down their lil' panties and tie it into a cute lil knot on either side of their thighs. So pro. All of us was so impressed. One of my colleauges told me she wanna learn also. Ha ha ha!

So the 1st girl went up.....with no props. And we were wondering what she gonna do. To our horror, she pulled out a string of blades from her fefet! And its not just 1 or 2 blades...a string of it! And to further prove its real, she slashed some papers with random pieces of the blades. I could clearly hear some girls squealing in horror.

Then suddenly the whole bar went pitch black and those blue UV lights were turned on. This girl in white bikinis; looking all so flourescent came up the stage and pulled out ribbons from her fefet. And they were flourescent ribbons! She pulled and she pulled and she pulled. I dunno how many metres she had inside there. It was so long she can actually tie around 4 poles and make a huge flourescent web!

Then got christmas special. They really announced one. This girl actually pulled out a string of lighted christmas balls from her papap. And they were thorny! And there so many other stunts. One could stuff a pen in and write your name. Another can blow whistle with it. Then came one who shoved a tube in it and inserted darts to shoot and balloons and blow off birthday cake candles.

Then at long last, came the sex shows. We were all so excited to see people having sex on stage. Turn out it was so hilarious. First there was a regular straight couple. The man is so old and horror but his body still ok lah. He was so horror my colleagues were laughing out loud at him. I couldn't help laughing either.

Both the man and woman looked so bloody bored when they were having sex. If that's what you can even call it. The man can even look left and right at the audience while humping the girl. And the girl was rolling her eyes waiting for it to be over the whole time. Such a turn off lor. And to make our money worth we stayed back to watch repeats. And the very same couple came out again. To my shock, they did everything in the same sequence! Step by step all properly choreographed. No wonder they were so bored. Ha ha ha!

Then came the lesbian sex. They just went on stage and made out. The normal fondling and tit kissing all those regulars lah. But they ended the show with a bang. Literally. As the grand finale, the 2 women banged their tits and tummy together, creating a really loud POP. EVerybody was bursting in laughter i tell you. So funny.....even after the show we pop pop pop everywhere and just laugh ourselves silly.

After the whole show, there were girls lining outside the bar, waiting to be picked up by horny uncles some more. Very good marketing strategy lor.

I remember last year i had a personal encounter. So horror. My gay fren took me to an empty titty bar just out of curiousity. Why is it empty? Coz its smack in the middle of a gay district. How stupid is the boss. Then got this 40+ aunty who did a personal show for us; coz we're the only customers there. Ha ha ha!

She inserted a banana inside her fefets yang longgar oledi ( it was so effortless to put in!) and she aimed and shot the freaking banana at me! Once again, there was a loud pop. I tried to elak but still kena my green crocs. So geli lor. Then she came down; still without her panties on....and ask tip from me. With her fanny like 2 inches away from my nose.

I was so panicked i din know what to do. I just gave her 20 baht. That's like a measly rm2 here. Ha ha ha ha! She so geram at me she stomped her foot and spoke in thai. I think she was cursing me. She showed the money to the mamasan and everyone laughed at her.

I was so scared i left without even finishing my beer........

Next up: Lau Niang goes for a massage. Jeng jeng jeng...............

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Shopping Frenzy in Bangkok

Hello people, lau niang got another travelogue this time. Forgot to tell you, lau niang went to the mystical land of Bangcock for the past 5 days. Acelly hor….this is my second trip there. So this time round….i had to play tour guide to my 3 other colleagues who have never been there. Me……the famed ratu sesat…..a tour guide.


Anyways, Bangkok has always been my all time favourite place for shopping. You get malls like Siam Paragon and Gaysorn ( dun ask me why the name like that) which is more atas than our KLCC. Siam Paragon is so atas it actually has a Lamborghini boutique….that sells the cars! I’m not talking bout’ key chains and notepads here. If you have enough money you can even buy the Lamborghini cash and carry. Macam like Tesco like that.

Lau Niang sempat shopping there also. Mak kan diva. Shopping kat Paragon tau. See my little Paragon bag?

Don’t underestimate this little bag you know. I spent 800 baht for this bag tau. But I won’t reveal what’s in it. Secret. You guess….ha ha ha!

I was fortunate enough to see all the malls nicely decorated for Christmas already this time round. And when you’re in atas atas malls, everything is so voge de vass! Meltetops okeh. Visiting the lingerie department is of coz….compulsary for me. And the mannequins there…meletops gila babs okeh. SO DIVA!!

See what I mean? You dun see things like this in Malaysia you know. There’s another set of 3 mannequins striking a Charlie’s Angels pose in the kinkiest lingerie you ever seen. I tried posing with Charlie’s Angels but 1 of the mannequin collapsed on me when I sat on the platform. I quickly ran away. Jatuh kemaluan mak…..MAAAALLUUU!!!

Then there’s malls and street markets that sells really reeeaaally dirt cheap…..everything. You name it, clothes, bling blings, lingeries, souvenirs….they have it all. The mother of all cheap bargain malls has to be….MBK of course! Ha ha ha ha!

I bought many many cheap tees there and then I ventured to a new area….the infamous Pratunam. I haven’t had a chance to go there on my last trip so I made it a point to go there this time round. And man was I shocked. The things there are even cheaper and on top of that you can even bargain prices.

Women would die happily there. You get the latest trend of handbags, dresses, accessories…in rather good quality no less. And everything is so so so dirt cheap. I bought a few nice tops for my sister there too. Got this very nice halter neck.

Matilah mak drag dalam blog sendiri. Sure my sister tension if she knows she’s getting hand-me-downs. Ha ha ha ha! I bought this other sleek black mini cheongsam. I wish I can show you a pic here. I could fit in to the little black dress but I couldn’t zip up!

Uggghh…..gotta cut down on those tom yams there.

And for myself, oh I bought so so so so many things. I tell you I spent all my fortune in Pratunam and MBK. Just look at the anount of things I bought….ha ha ha!

Crazy innit? And mind you, this is ONLY my day 2 collection. I bought 2 more sling bags and more work clothes, another belt and another bling bling chain later on. But I so malas to camwhore already. My luggage bag is so horror now I dare not even unpack it. Ha ha ha!

Okies….i’m already late for my afternoon nap appointment. Watch out for the next part of this post: Lau Niang got a Thai Massage and visits Pat Pong!!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Orgy in Sekeping Serendah

What happens when you watch Titanic 5 times in a row?

You get sick.

What happenes when Senario releases a new film and earns 5 million from local market?

You get sick.

What happens when you get too excited over the school holidays and you sleep too late; wake up too early?

You get sick.

That's what happened to lau niang and that's why i was away for quite a while. I was bedridden and i nearly died from my fever. And i was SO SO SO afraid i couldn't make it for this trip. I was sick right till the very day before the trip but thankfully, my fever dispersed right on time. So i made it for this trip right in the nick of time. If not, Dan would me cursing me to my grave if i tell him last minute i too sick to go. Ha ha ha!

So what's this trip about?

Oooh.....its a raunchy 1 day camp at sekeping serendah. 6 fairy bloggers in a glass shed, surrounded by NOTHING but trees. So erotic and exotic was! Ha ha ha ha!

I think its located somewhere near Rawang. And my.....Rawang is such a God fearing place i tell you. Even God fears the people of this town. Look what i saw as i was in the car, on the way to the campsite:
That's one hell of a reminder for people to to worship.

When i first heard of the plan and this thing about glass sheds.....i was Why glass? What are glass sheds??!

I finally knew what it meant when i saw the place myself. Take a look:

The house is LITERALLY made of glass. Seriously. Glass every where. All four walls. Glass.

See i'm not joking. You can fucking see everything inside out. If you're thinking of coming here to have sex, forget it. Baboons and stray dogs will come and watch you and copy all your positions; maybe even jeer at you.

And there are no doors either. The whole house is made of glass panels. Unlockable latchless ones. I nearly fell to my death when i tried to lean against one of the windows upstairs. The window just flew open the minute i rested my back on it. Haiyor.....die already also dunno. So scary mary!

But nevertherless, its really a nice quaint little place. Fanstastic view of mother nature in all its glory. There's so much green its almost surreal. I felt like i was in a fantasy porn movie. With little nymphs humping on tree branches and naked water fairies bathing by the river kinda thing you know.

But i did see dragonflies fucking by the pool though. That's the closest i got. Hmm.

No doubt the view is fantastic in the daytime. But don't fucking ask me how it looks like at night. I will slap you. I swear. Unlockable glass panels. Pitch black night. Shillouette of trees with giant branches and dangling vines swaying against the cold wind at night. No curtains to close anything.

I tell you its the perfect spot for a horror movie. Just by sitting on the couch against all the glass panels looking out into the dark wilderness outside, i can make up at least 20 pontianak stories already. So horror. But thankfully nothing happen.

To add to the horror, lemme give you a tour to the toilet. Its located OUTSIDE the house and its VERY exposed. You sit on the toilet bowl to crap; you look up....TREES. And the shower is very conviniently and nicely located FACING the staircase inside the house; seperated by....... a glass panel. Very very good feng shui. So yes people, you sit by the stairs, grab a bag of pop corn and have a fantastic view of your frens bathing.

I am not kidding.

Of course i didn't peep! What you lau niang is pervert izzit....where can peep frens one. Yer! This shot is courtesy of Froggy who is more than kind enough to model for us just to show how horror the toilet is. Ha ha ha!

Daytime flew by quite fast. There were so much to do. We prepared for a barbeque for dinner. There's a BBQ pit provided in the umm....courtyard of the house.

I wonder how many people died in that pot.

Anyway, BBQ are always fun. Don't we all love to burn things? Ha ha ha!

There were so much food we couldn't finish it all. Thank god Maria was there to give a helping hand. I mean paw. Meet Maria.....our new brown kudis infested friendly neighbour with 10 dangling tits:

We had time to swim before preparing for the BBQ too. The pool was another glorious sight. Located like 5 mins walk away from our campsite it looked very zen and very....Bel Ami.

Let your minagination run wild people!

What happens when you have 6 fairies in a pool all to themselves? You get a scene from the Mermaid Lagoon in Peter Pan of course. I splash you, you splash me see who is the most gedik.

Unfortunately, i couldn't jump in the water like the others. Not in my just-got-well condition. Can't risk getting sick again. Did i mention how fucking cold the water was? Its like fridge water! But of course i too, had my share of fun.

Oh this is so fun!

I wish i can post more pool picks here but the rest are just too scandolous. I just can't. Not with all the nipple pinching and groping arounds. Ha ha ha!

But in the can i possibly stay away from the water. I'm Little Mermaid reincarnated. I'm DRAWN to water. So what happens? More camwhoring ensued. And here's our signature "3 tatooed maids" shot again:

Night time was a lil' trying. You see, there's no TV or Astro tau. Only trees to look at. If you dare. Gulp. fear. Thank God for the invention of.....TWISTER!!

Ha ha ha.....that sure provided us hours of fun and most importantly, it was a great distraction from the exposed windows and swaying trees outside. Ha ha ha! And so we twisted the night away till everyone was fast asleep.

When dawn broke, it was time to pack up and leave. But before we left, there's still time fore....more camwhoring! Ha ha ha!

I sure had one whacky birthday this year....... :D

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Diva goes to Zoo Negara

I have a confession to make here. I'm really really emberassed to admit that i have never been to the National Zoo as a loyal (?) citizen of Malaysia. Having said that, a very very thoughtful friend of mine took the gesture to visit the National Zoo last deepavali. So why only now i post? Coz i lazy busy lor. Uhmm. yeah.

YAY!!! I'm finally going to the zoo! I couldn't sleep a wink at all the previous night.

And when the big day arrived, the weather was just fabulous.

No of course it din rain (else this would have been a bloody angry post by now) lah. The weather was really fantabulous. It only rained when we were leaving. So lucky hor!

So there i was; at the entrance of the zoo, in a fabulous weather no less. And this was the very 1st animal i spotted there. was deepavali after all. So its only natural they put a themed bird at the entrace to attract visitors. Oh there's another white peacock actually. But it was shoving its butt at my face the whole time i REFUSED to snap its pic. Dunno how to pose at all. Stoopid bird.

Moving on, we went to the nearest section; the bird section. I searched high and low for Hugh Jackman or Ken Watanabe's bird but i was let down. Instead i saw all these colour colourful birds.

They'd make a nice hat for Queen Elizabeth to wear for her cute lil' English Tea Parties though. Moving on, i saw more birds. Seriously, their bird section is rather impressive. They have quite a huge variety. not a joke. This seriously loooks like a horror scene from Resident Evil. Remember those Zombie crows?

Someone could actually die you know. All the birds are actually not caged! They're free to fly and roam free around that huge ass lake. So horror!
But nothing is as horror as the next animal i saw lor. It really sent chills to my bone ok.
Blue chickens. I dun care if they're blue or shocking pink. A bloody chicken is still a bloody chicken. Fucking horror can. Thank god my fren is still looking at the storks; else i would have jumped on him and made a scene. Shit....i sure hope those fences have 1000000 watt electric. Fry them chickens if they even dare come near the fence!!

I ran off to the next section at the sight of that bloody chicken. That freaked me out enough. I dun care what other birds they have there.

Straight ahead was where all the giant cats are. Hmmm...anything's better than chickens. I saw the lion. Its in such a sad looking state.
Tsk tsk tsk......see how anorexic the lion is. Its.....its...Ally McBeal! On an Aspen diet! If you see the lion in real, its even worse lor. You can actually see the rib cage and the poor thing just walk to and fro aimlessly....waiting for Thy Kingdom to come. And check out the pathethic mane. So little hair. What happened??! Someone sponsor the lion a lil' hair extension please. Even my ku ku ciau got more hair than his mane lor. Sad sad sad......
The tigers was a nicer sight to see though.
See?? The tigers look so much more healthier right? I think the zookeeper either hates the lion or he has a scandal with the tiger ala Black Sheep movie lor. And i was lucky enough to see the feeding session. It was so fascinating to see the tiger eating. Same like house cat waiting for food only.
Then i saw Cheetah. Or is it a leopard?? whatever.
This stupid cheepard is more diva than lau niang. I swear. You know the cage is actually equipped with a ncie landscaping. Its not as pathethic as the pic lah. Seriously. There's trees and nicely arrnaged logs for the cheepard to climb around. Very spacious too.

but NOOOOOOOO. Instead, the cheepard chose to deliberately squat under this shabby shade just to stay away from the sun can? Omg so bloody diva i can die you know. *Roll eyes and flips hair*

Moving on, i saw bats as well. Huge ass ones. Again, the bats are allowed to fly freely in a closed compund. When you enter the big cage/room, its just you and the bats. No barrier. Thank god i wasn't attacked.
So what happens when you go to the zoo with a Diva? you get statements like...
"Hmm.....this door looks closed. *twirls hair and pouts lips* can you something about it??"
(friend is busy taking pics while i stood behind waiting) ".....i'm bored. .....Can we go already??"
I know....i'm so so unbelievable. And my friend turut only....poor guy kena bully from lau niang. Ha ha ha ha!
So we moved on and saw many more animals.
Who's up for a bareback session? ha ha ha ha!!
Then i saw this huge ass orang utan that has braids! How cool is that? Look exactly like WHoopi Goldberg lor!

There's also this weird look bear/goat/cow/i-dunno-wtf -izzit animal. From Australia i think. Anyone knows the name? For now i'll just call them....Susie. So here are all the Susies i saw. So many Susies!
There's even this cow with a gorgeous bikini tan. So jeles tau....

Then came the reptile section. Such a let down. Their snake species are so little and common. I've seen more snakes in a pet shop lor. I dun even bother to take pics. Nothing diva also. Worst part is they dun even have crocodiles. How sad is that?? This tiny caimen is the closest thing i saw that resembled a crocodile. So sedihs lor....

Then they had a bee exhibition also. They were selling honey, explaining bee species, showing bee hives and other things. Is this a Bee Movie promotion?
Whatever it was, it certainly brought back bad memories! No more fucking bees for me. I very nearly more wanted to scream and overturn all the displays they had there. I need to avenge myself!

Oh my god.....

I've been ranting for more than 3 hours? This sure is a fucking long post. Ha ha! From his face, i can tell Mama Diva is hungry already.

Gotta go now.Cheerios......

p/s: once again, i gatta thank my friend for bringing me to the zoo, buying the tickets for me, getting me a secret recipe breakfast in case i get hungry ( I know. I'm so so diva *flips hair*) and most of all.....putting up with my diva antics. Thank you thank you thank you. Muacks. Ha ha ha!