Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lau Niang Chats With a Porn Star

Oh. My. Gkk!!

People, i am doing a LIVE BLOGGING now. As i am writing this post, i am now watching an X tube clip and chatting with a guy. Shut up, lau niang is not pervert okeh. Hear me out 1st.

So this guy....NO SELF PICS.....ask me to show my self pic. No hal. I ma show lor. Show already not enough. Nak demand my cam some more. I asked for his pic again he say dun have. He's discreet katanya. FINE. I just reluctantly on my cam lor. Just being polite kan.

Then hor.....he showed me an X tube. I tengah watching an online horror movie so kan ceong you now. I told him i will watch later but he insisted i watch it now. Very nice one...katanya. I was kinda ticked off already. Its just a stupid porn clip. But ok i went to see....just to see what is all the fuss about lah.

When I saw the clip.......astaga belakang pintu...tuhan saja yang tau dia punya horror. It was SO SLEAZY!! Bad camera angles. Cheesy disco music background and both of the guys like dead fish....yang kena stroke. The clip 5 mins long, over 3 mins the btm guy lying on top doing god knows what. Fondling and fondling and fondling. Like he's kneading a dough. Buat rancangan pastry ker? How to make croissant.

Oh did i mention it was one of those headless clip? Yeah that's the most irritating type one lor. You know like when they put the camera facing the bed and then all you see is....umm....a fencing tournament. Lawan pedang katanya. Yeah the whole time like that no head at all. Cock head only got.

I remember my cam is still on so i tried my best not to yawn or look bored. I was no where near to being aroused okeh! Then he finally asked me what i thought of it. I wanted to say what i said here already but....i just brushed it off with a simple "ok ok lah..." statement. Then he finally revealed something.

The top guy was in the clip was him!

My god......good thing i kept my mouth shut okeh! I felt so sorry for him. I felt like telling him ala Karen Walker style....

"Oh poor thing....that's not sex.....*insert sympathy smile*'m so sorry.."

Then only it occured to me. All along the fucker wont even show me a face pic but he sanggup post his own sex clip for the whole world to see. How is that being discreet kan.

I told him off in the face. "You willing to show your sex clip for the whole world to see but you wont show me a face pic....claiming that you are discreet? How are you being discreet??! Planet earth has free access to your butt hole. " And he casually say "I never show my face in the clip mah, discreet lor...."


Discreet katanya. I cannot tahan anymore terus i bukak blogger and start typing all this furiosly. I dun even know how to respond to him. And then he said the most fantastic statement.

"Wah why you reply me so slow suddenly ah.... (He doesn't know i'm blogging now) enjoying my clip lei. You wanna enjoy with me not? I can meet you up next week then we can have a good time also. Want?"

Oh tuhanku.......i sinfully repent now. I will never drive any engineers up the wall anymore. I wont talk siau siau to chatters anymore. I promise i wont sing Little Mermaid songs in my mind when people talking to me anymore. Lau Niang bertaubat.......

Can anyone (besides me) be more perasan or not you tell me. I chat with him i can pengsan how many times already. Showing me his sleazy sex clips one after another (yes there's more than one but all is sama konspep) and PROUDLY claiming he's discreet the whole time. I began responding slower and slower to him (coz i blogging here) and finally he decides to leave.

" I see you very busy now ah. So slow reply geh? Are you wanking to my clip? Ha ha ha....ok lah i wanna go bathe now. You dun so notti oh....if really cannot tahan just give me a call. We can have fun together like that also....."

I swear i am THIS close to embedding the clip here in my blog okeh. I can do documentry yang bertajuk "Do you know fishes can have sex even after they die?"

Lau Niang cepat cepat pakai baju kurung and shades hitam besar yang cover half the face ala Siti Sifir Along.

"Ramuan untuk dokumetari hari ini ialah 2 ekor bangkai ikan. Mula mula....ambil seekor bangkai ikan. Letakkan bangkai ikan di atas seekor lagi bangkai ikan. TADA! Tuan tuan dan puan puan.....begitu lah gaya dua ekor bangkai ikan mengawan....sekian terima kasih. Jumpa lagi minggu depan dalam segmen Siti Sifir! Satu..kali satu....satu! Satu....kali dua....dua! "

*insert Along theme song and credit titles...*

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Brinjal Brinjal....wor ai ni!

One day and my sister both of us girls ponteng work together. Keji not? Then hor...we pigi melacur at meat valley together gether. Ok lah....she go with her bf, only lau niang buat kerja melacur part time only lah. But no business because is working day lor. All is the see lai shopping only. Yes i like to become tiang lampu....chui meh?

Setelah penat melacur, kami pun berasa lapar. Dalam pada itu, kami pun mencari tempat untuk memakan tengah hari. So form 1 karangan BM kan? Ha ha ha ha! Anyways, we had the infamous asam laksa in Jaya Jusco. But lau niang forever is miss rebel. Purposely dowan order asam laksa walaupun femes. Nak makan Curry Laksa instead. So i ma order curry laksa lor.

Come come the laksa i pun makan lor. Quite nice also. Nice enough to make sis geram and jeles. That's what we call Ge-les. Plan berjaya. But the laksa looks very red and murky. Can't really see the ingredients also. Manage to pick out all the bawang only. I seriously HATE bawang. I think God made bawang to punish humankind for all the sins of the world. And the chef is carrying God's punishment on me. Can't even eat in peace, must slowly pick out bawang 1st until the mee kembang. Grrrr!!!! So i just eat whatever other things they have in it.

And suddenly lau niang tasted something foreign. I thought i ate something that look like fish paste but why taste different geh?

*sepit another piece and flips around to inspect* Wah lau...! Its a terung! Oh my god i just ate terung!!!

*sudden urge to gag but nothing comes out* Oh my god... I just ate sayur and i'm not gagging. That's weird....

*tastes another piece* Oh my god....i dun hate it. *continues chewing*......its actually good!

Wah ever since the epiphany, i went on a terung frenzy. Why no one tell me how nice is terung. Have you eaten terung before?? Its nice! Terung is so unpopular.....coz its purple. Not pink. Very hard to match. I think gomen should make kempen makan terung. Must raise pubic awarness. Did i mention its really nice? So when i got back home, we had a family lunch in Esquire Kitchen...i special request a plate of terung. Still nice. I finish the whole plate myself lei.

Then later dinner mom cooked at home. I asked her to cook more terung. Ha ha ha!

Man...who would have thought terung is so nice hor. If one day lau niang feel feel very generous i let you belanja me makan okeh? But you better make sure got terung on the menu wor. Kalo tak, mek terungkan your bontot.

All this while i thought terung is a sex toy for poor people only..............

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Why Do We Love Tyra Banks so much

First....she falls down over a couch on national television.

Then....she is seen acting a crazy fool alongside with Bunifa, the black version of me. Ha ha ha ha! You so won't believe its Tyra underneath all those red leather and big hair.

Ps: Check out latest update over Queen Bitch. More shameless camwhore self adoring pics for you to admire. Ha ha ha ha!

P/ps: To all the so many readers who are curious over abang 3some. Well i scared the living daylights out of him on our date and he no longer calls me anymore. I'm so at peace now. Ha ha ha ha ha! What i did? I pakai dress Valentino matching ngan Jimmy Choo i and i claim that it's my casual dress only. Pastu i spoke to him in the queen's english (queen of england not drag queen okeh) Terpinga-pinga he talk to me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Merk suker merk suker!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Ooops I Did It Again.....

I am now sitting in Old Town cafe...slapping myself for being such a nice and compromising although very cute and adorable girl. You see....i got myself into a pickle.....again. In a matter of few hours, i'm about to meet up a psychotic chatter.

What happened? What was i thinking? Who is that psycho??

It all started like this. This guy has been existing silently in my MSN contact list for quite a while. Really, i dun even remember where i know him. And then suddenly out of the blue, he messages me. I clearly remember our 1st conversation.

Chatter: are you ah? So long we never meet up already.

Me: Err......hi i'm doing great but i believe we've never met before.

Chatter: forgotten me already ah? Last time we had a threesome before lah. Are you still in touch with the other guy? Wanna meet up again?

What-the-fuck-kanine-cau-cibai-hello-and-good-evening. The only time you'll catch me doing a threesome is when Ken Watanabe and Lee Hom is coincidentally in KL and coincidetally in my house okeh.

Are you Ken Wanatabe? No.

Are you Lee Hom? No.

Then if all no how to have threesome like that!? So back to the conversation.

Me: Errr.....i think you must have gotten the wrong person. I seriously never met up with you before...let alone have any threesomes.

Chatter: Oh really ah.....must be the wrong person then. So malu. Ha ha ha....

But anyway, he kinda admitted that he found me attractive and he went all out to impress me. For the past month or so, he never failed to sms or call me everyday. I mean sure, i like to be treated like Queen Amidala. I like the attention he's giving me. But its so overwhelming sometimes. Up to an irritating level in fact. Now you say i fussy kan. People dun sms you, you complain. People sms you, you also complain. In my defence, that's what divas do. Ok lah, i give you a sample of our sms conversation then you tell me if i'm being diva or not.

Abg 3some: What you doing now ah boy?

Me: Having dinner with frens lor.

Abg 3some: Wahh.....who are they wor? You meet plu ah?

Me: Aiyah, they're just my friends from the orchestra lah. You think i have time to meet up guys ah??

Abg 3some: I worry you mah. Heh heh. How many of them wor?

Me: Umm...5

Abg 3some: Can mms me their pics?

Me: *no reply*

Psycho not you tell me??! Want to find out who am i hanging out with, how many of them, and even want me to MMS pics of my friends to me. That is not concern or worry okeh. That is being obsessive oledi you know.

Yahh let a sistah have her free space.

Yahh let a sistah have her own personal time.

You think i being diva now??? Waste my credit answering all those soalan yang tak perlu okeh. Somehow i know he is not the right guy for me.

I tell you something personal bout me. I rarely fall for guys one and when i do, i feel it immediately one. If i have feelings for a guy, my heart woud skip a beat whenever i recieve an SMS from him. With abg 3some, i would roll my eyes and go "ughh....what does he wants now..."

And then hor, my heart would be running like Black Beauty if i am to meet him for the 1st time. I'd be scared and worried. I be twirling my pigtails and go "....ohmygod...what if he dun like me in person? What if i'm not his type? Do i look ok now?"

And when we meet up....he would grab my waist and draw me near....stare intensely into my eyes with looks that says "Let me take care of you forever..." My heart would then be choking in my throat and i have to swallow it back in. Then he would draw my head closer to him and he would give me a gentle peck on my forehead....assuring his love for me.

You see how well Ken Watanabe does it???

As he kisses my forehead gently, i would feel his big strong hands on my cheeks. I close my eyes, the mer-people would rise from the oceans and start singing the ending theme of Little Mermaid. You know the one that goes "Now you can waaallk *chang* (the grand cymbal) you can ruunnnn *chang* (grand cymbal again) you can staaay all day in the sun...(choir sing aahh ahh ahhh....)...just you and me.....(aahhhhh) and i could bee.... (AAHHH! *high pitch mah*) part of your worrlldd....

And then a giant wave would lift King Triton up, he would hold my hands approvingly and touch me with his trident and then my shirt will turn into a sparkly Dior dress....then he'll wave at the skies making a huge rainbow. I'd sail away under the rainbow and all the mer-folks will be waving bye bye to me.

My god....i'm such a Phoebe Buffay.

But you see.....i'm about to meet him soon but i'm not the least scared or excited and what's worse...the merfolks are not singing! How to make lau niang happy if no mermaid singing?!

Definitely not the right guy lor. If its the right guy i know the merfolks will sing and wave bye bye to me one. No merpeople means not right guy.

No merpeople now. So sad. Sigh....i'm so dreading this. Wish me luck people......

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lau Niang (Nearly) Goes on a Blind Date

Here's an interesting question. Exactly how much trouble are you willing to take when meeting up a chatter or net friend?

Are you willing to drive to the opposite end of town just to pick him up?

Are you willing to foot all bills like movie or meals or whatever things you do on a date that incurs costs?

Are you willing to let your date decide on everything as in where and what to eat or what movie to watch...and you just play along; although you may not be in favour of it?


I only make a few exception. VERY few. Lau niang will not struggle like that on a blind date UNLESS:

1. You is Ken Watanabe. Heck i'll pick you up, drive you around, pay for dinner (although i may have to wash plates later tapi merk sanggup nyah. Boleh i wash plate sambil singing 'Someday my prince will come..." ala Snow White ) and give you a foot rub. And lick your sweat. Oh please bring me out....

2. You are a chatter or a dear friend whom i know well enough and is worthy of all my struggle. If you is very very nice and kind to me all along and you prove yourself worthy as a good and sincere friend to me.....i will consider letting you belanja me when we meet up. If i feeling generous, i'll let you treat me to a movie as well.

No more other exceptions.

Other chatter rakyat jelata out there kalo nak dating mek, you better treat me like Queen Amidala. You must pick me up in a carriage with 8 white unicorns with silver horns or muscular topless horse-man (neh the one like Narnia one but i dowan so ugly one. I wan lebih hemsem one. Badan pass oledi) and have dayang-dayang palace bernama Zhang Ziyi pakai dress sepanjang 15 meter to hold my delicate hands and escort me to masuk carriage. Pastu must treat me to a nice dinner and a freaking good movie and surprise me with something from Prada before even thinking of getting into my panties.

Lau Niang is royalty blood okeh. Maybeline also say because i'm worth it.

So why did i bring this up? Well.....recently i was clowning with this guy i met from guys4men. Shit I spill so much dirt now i sound like skanky ho only. Stop judging me okeh. I'm not one. I know all of you melacur there also! But anyway, his face quite rakyat jelata only but he does have a nice body. But he's all the way in Sarawak. So i was just slutting with him virtually and nothing saucy happened. I'm not expecting anything to happen also.

But hor....just a few hours back, suddenly he send me sms lei! He say he's around my area visiting and he would like to meet up lei. So lau niang ma very excited lor. I ask to meet in a mall 1st. In case skali his face is like resident evil Quasimodo senanglah i ditchkan right. If meet at home mati kena rogol wait. Bontot kena terung. Cannot. Pretty girls like us must play smart one you know.

But hor......wah lan...he more diva than me can! At 1st i ask to meet in mall he dowan. Mintak to meet in Kl Central. What in gay hell. Why would anyone wanna meet up in KL Central for?! What is there to do there? Makan in McD pastu shopping in 7-11???? EUWWW!!!! Allergic merk okeh. Saya alah 7-11. I only do Debenhams and Harods. And what happened to my muscle horse-men and carriage and Zhang Ziyi kan.

Apa lagi.....i never budge. Tetap demand to meet in One Utama at least. Then you know what he said?? He freaking asked me to pick him up from Kelana Jaya can?! Not that i purposely want to berlagak diva here. But you all know my infamous talent in my sense of directions. When it comes to be getting lost on the road, Lau Niang is prodigy okeh. No one as talented as me in getting lost lor. I study in UM and work there until now, more than 5 years already still can sesat go 9 college okeh. Apa lagi want to drive so Kelana Jaya. JUST to pick up a chatter whom i have flirted with for 20 mins online only. And never meet before some more.

Do you think he's really worth all the trouble?

Honey....yah treat a sistah like a real lady okeh. Yah be a gentleman and pick up this nice lady here okeh. Yah don't ask a sistah to freaking pick you up on a date mmmkay?! That is so.....uncouth.

After that i did something very sialan. Ha ha ha ha! Dengan sangat friendlynya i told him that he can actually take a free shuttle bus from the lrt station to one utama. And the bus come everyhalf hour. Pooop terus no reply. Why suddenly no sound one. Wrrr I do?! Wrrr...wrrr..wrrr I do??!

So what would you have done if you have such a situation?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Flirting in Starbucks

Last weekend got leng cai cashier at Starbucks flirting with Lau Niang lei. Sungguh tak sangka merk tetap cantik menawan walaupun muka sudah tembam macam char siu pau. So i still have some holiday weights; bite my chinese ass if you dun like then.

So this guy, he's a really cute malay guy standing behind the cashier counter. He has the beautifulest eyes that sparkles everytime you look into it and he keeps on flashing this smile that makes me blush all the time.

Anyways here's me scripting the scene again.

Abg Starbucks: Hello Sir...gooood morning. Can i have your order please?

Lau Niang: (Still groggy coz baru dipaksa bangun by stoopit sisters yang gila shopping pagi-pagi buta) .....can i have a caffe latte please?

Abg Starbucks: Very well sir. Would you like any flavour with it? Caramel? Vanilla? Anything for you?

Lau Niang: No...just a plain one will do.

Abg Starbucks: No problem...(starts punching in the cash register and keyeing in my order) How are you today sir? (he squints his beautiful eyes at me wondering if i'm ok or which i'm not!)

Lau Niang: I uhh.....definitely need my coffee 1st. Now.....*weak laugh*

Abg Starbucks: Ha ha's on the way. So are you local? *Insert killer smile*

Lau Niang: Umm yeah.....i'm local but i work in KL.

Abg Starbucks: Ahh....back for the holidays eh? Having a good time?

Lau Niang: Welll...i'm just catching on my sleep and shopping around...buying coffee. Ha ha ha!

Abg Starbucks: Well your coffee is ready sir. Would you like an extra shot with it? On the house *insert smiley face and twinkling eyes* (ohmigod...basah panties i okeh)

Lau Niang: That's really nice of you...but its ok....(can i have an extra shot of you instead) i'll be just fine.

Abg Starbucks: *Passes cup of coffee to me and looking curiously between me and my sister* Just curious....are you two together?

Lau Niang: Well.....she's my sister if that's what you mean. (Yes i'm very available so just fucking write your number on my coffee cup oledi!)

Abg Starbucks: Oh of course....ha ha ha haha! Here's your coffee and have a nice day sir. Do come again soon!

Lau Niang: Thank you so much....i'll see you around sometime *grins*

Grin returned.

Five minutes after i left Starbucks....

Lau Niang: Kanine cau cibai......i ordered the wrong coffee. I wanted iced latte! So hot how to drink?!?!

But never mind. Merk rela minum latte panas. That was the nicest latte panas i ever drank. Sedap walaupun panas. Did i mentioned how hot it was? Saya alah panas.

But it was well worth the wrong order....

PS: Dun you fucking dare ask me which outlet it was and what is the Abg Starbucks name. You think you can go and menyundal wif him hor. Fat hopes. Abg Starbucks is merk punyer....sapa nak mari merasa my golden nails dulu. Pastu i baptize with latte panas.