Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Little Mermaid: Ariel's Begining


What is here???


Now as you all know....lau niang is huge huge fan of Little Mermaid you know. Ever since the feature animation came out in 1989, I never stopped watching the cartoon till this very day. My 1st copy of pirated very-blur video tape (they celotape a 4r pic of the poster on the video box only and sell it at rm40 back then you know) evolved to the posh-er red-and-blue HVD tape evolved to a pirated VCD evolved to DVD. Yes people, the cartoon survived all technology and i am still watching it RELIGIOSLY. I hafal all the skrip and song you know.

Then while DVD shopping in pasar malam few weeks back, i spotted this. I refused to believe its real; after all this years. Although they had a sequel done some years before. Yang Ariel make baby with Prince Eric one.


I dun expect it to be as good as the 1st installment but what the heck. It's still little mermaid!! Gotta have it! As i inserted the disc into the player my hands already shivering in excitement to press play button. Press play only a very very familar scene popped up.

TETAP must have King Triton's Castle okeh!!!

Then hor....start start only got come out Ariel Zaman baby. So cute lei!!!

See see!! So cute!! That time her nen nen haven't grow so just wrap with handkerchief but must tetap same colour with her shell bra. Then King Triton's hair still brunnette; haven't turn white lagi katanya.

Then got new mermaid!!

You guess who is this?? This is Ariel's Lau Bu lah!! Never come out before one lei!! Notice she's wearing Ariel's future bra not? Rupa-rupanya Ariel kena pakai hand-me-down bra jer. So ker lian hor. Hope the cup size is correct lah. Ariel's Lau Bu nen nen seems bigger. Oh her name is not Lau Bu lah....its Athena by the way. Last time in Sunday School i got indian fren her name is Athena also.

But Athena hor,(not indian Athena okeh...focus focus!) very short lived lor. You see her singing along to a music box (that is like her heart of the ocean lah, sentimental gift from husband).....sing sing sing until never realized Captain Barbosa coming in his Black Pearl from behind.

In the midst of the panic, she try to escape but she left her music box behind so she U -Turn to cuba rescue the music box. But her tail tersepit and then just gone case like that. Died because of music box. Leaving behind seven mer-girls to husband. So silly but so cham also lah. King triton ma very trauma lor, so he banned music from his ocean. Dowan to be reminded of his wife.

Ten years later, Ariel grew into puberty full of angst. You know teenagers lah, forever rebel kan. Hate that age level. Come from broken family pulak tu. Dah lah cannot sing song some more, lagi rebel lah kan. Always fighting neck to neck with daddy. "I want to sing!! I won't budge I won't budge gitue...." (harus mek larriikk sorok bawah Atlantic Ocean pasal sudah offended someone now....)

Oh and this part Ariel has a governess who looks after her and her sisters too. She's actually the villian of the show.

Meet Marina Del Rey, (not marinara pasta okeh) the super diva aunty mermaid boroi. Acelly hor if you see the movie throughout kan, her hair color keeps changing one. Why???

Because she is ratu wig. Just like lau niang. Only thing she has nicer wigs lah. Not like me, only got rambut style perempuan gila baru kena rogol 5 round. Anyways, Marina is gila kuasa one lor, she secretly wanna rampas Sebastian's title.

But where is Sebastian??? Why never come out all this while??

Sebastian reprises his role as right-hand man (or in this case right-claw crab) to King Triton. But he has something under his sleeve. (Insert Mary Alice narration and Desperate Housewife soundtrack) In spite of holding such an influencial post, everyone in Atlantic Ocean has their darkest secrets....

You remembered King Triton banned music already right? How can you take the Samba and Flamenco away from Cha-cha diva Sebastian kan. Kau tau.....our fren....dier bukak La Queen Haram!!! Yess.....i'm not kidding. Every night he sneaks out of the palace and pergi cucuk langit in a secret La Queen well hidden in some caves.

Buat solo performance tengah podium plak tu.

Then one night he kena kantoi with Ariel who caught him red handed singing lor. Ariel being a song whore herself, what you expect her to do?? Of course she breaks into a song herself.

Shaddapp....shaddapp!!!!! Nih solo merk tau!!!!!! Merk keyyyysaaahh lah nyahh!!!

Yes yes.....sebastian very geram and jeles Ariel can sing better than him. Ge-les!! Then kena kantoi not enough, the next night Ariel brought all her sister to La Queen untuk melacur some more.

There's Attina, Alana, Adela, Aquata, Arista, Andrina, and then Ariel. In order. Yes i know all their names. Dun fuck with me okeh. So they all go la queen and cik cur together until kena kantoi by King Triton. Jeng jeng jeng!! Drama drama......who tell? Ma Marina tell lor.

So naturally Sebastian losses his job and gets imprisoned. Marina wish come true lor. But not for long. Ariel goes to Sebastian's rescue and they escape together. King Triton pun very gabra kehilangan anak right.....takut kena terung by some kidnappers wait. But dunno mermaid got lobang not lah.

Anyways he sends the whole country look for Sebastian and Ariel. Seeing how concerned King Triton is over them, Marina pun tergugat. So she sends her super evil sidekick to KILL both Ariel and Sebastian. Gasp!!!! Who is the evil sidekick so powerful????

Ha ha ha ha ha!! Mek propah jer. Meet Benjamin. He is indeed Marina's sidekick but you see his face lah so teddy bear. How to be evil kan. Benjamin always wisdom Marina to be good but Marina won't budge. So she releases her pets to kill Ariel and Sebastian demi giler kuasa.

This is not main main okeh. Even Ursula also got 2 koochirat eels only. Marina got SEVEN. And they're all like 10 times the size of Flotsam and Jetsam okeh. Seriously their scene in the cartoon is indeed scary. Small girl see will cry one lor.

The story ends when King Triton catches Marina red handed trying to kill Ariel lor. In all Disney movies of course must have happy ending one lah right. Then after that Ariel ma psycho King Triton to allow music in the ocean again lor. She found her Lau Bu's music box along the way and tries to remind King Triton of the good times they had together.

King Triton kena psycho then he ma very jiwang jiwang lor. Keep thinking of his late wife kan. Last last he lifted the ban and all the ocean started singing again.

King Triton pun sambung berangan together - gether with his wife again. Sangat jiwang kan???

Kesimpulan nyer, all die hard little mermaid and bibiknyonya fans must watch this cartoon....

.....coz it's a feel good cartoon!!

Trust me, you see oledi you will very happy wanna become cha-cha diva also one.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lau Niang Chats With a Porn Star

Oh. My. Gkk!!

People, i am doing a LIVE BLOGGING now. As i am writing this post, i am now watching an X tube clip and chatting with a guy. Shut up, lau niang is not pervert okeh. Hear me out 1st.

So this guy....NO SELF PICS.....ask me to show my self pic. No hal. I ma show lor. Show already not enough. Nak demand my cam some more. I asked for his pic again he say dun have. He's discreet katanya. FINE. I just reluctantly on my cam lor. Just being polite kan.

Then hor.....he showed me an X tube. I tengah watching an online horror movie so kan ceong you now. I told him i will watch later but he insisted i watch it now. Very nice one...katanya. I was kinda ticked off already. Its just a stupid porn clip. But ok fine...so i went to see....just to see what is all the fuss about lah.

When I saw the clip.......astaga belakang pintu...tuhan saja yang tau dia punya horror. It was SO SLEAZY!! Bad camera angles. Cheesy disco music background and both of the guys like dead fish....yang kena stroke. The clip 5 mins long, over 3 mins the btm guy lying on top doing god knows what. Fondling and fondling and fondling. Like he's kneading a dough. Buat rancangan pastry ker? How to make croissant.

Oh did i mention it was one of those headless clip? Yeah that's the most irritating type one lor. You know like when they put the camera facing the bed and then all you see is....umm....a fencing tournament. Lawan pedang katanya. Yeah the whole time like that no head at all. Cock head only got.

I remember my cam is still on so i tried my best not to yawn or look bored. I was no where near to being aroused okeh! Then he finally asked me what i thought of it. I wanted to say what i said here already but....i just brushed it off with a simple "ok ok lah..." statement. Then he finally revealed something.

The top guy was in the clip was him!

My god......good thing i kept my mouth shut okeh! I felt so sorry for him. I felt like telling him ala Karen Walker style....

"Oh honey......you poor thing....that's not sex.....*insert sympathy smile* ...no.....i'm so sorry.."

Then only it occured to me. All along the fucker wont even show me a face pic but he sanggup post his own sex clip for the whole world to see. How is that being discreet kan.

I told him off in the face. "You willing to show your sex clip for the whole world to see but you wont show me a face pic....claiming that you are discreet? How are you being discreet??! Planet earth has free access to your butt hole. " And he casually say "I never show my face in the clip mah, discreet lor...."


Discreet katanya. I cannot tahan anymore terus i bukak blogger and start typing all this furiosly. I dun even know how to respond to him. And then he said the most fantastic statement.

"Wah why you reply me so slow suddenly ah.... (He doesn't know i'm blogging now) enjoying my clip lei. You wanna enjoy with me not? I can meet you up next week then we can have a good time also. Want?"

Oh tuhanku.......i sinfully repent now. I will never drive any engineers up the wall anymore. I wont talk siau siau to chatters anymore. I promise i wont sing Little Mermaid songs in my mind when people talking to me anymore. Lau Niang bertaubat.......

Can anyone (besides me) be more perasan or not you tell me. I chat with him i can pengsan how many times already. Showing me his sleazy sex clips one after another (yes there's more than one but all is sama konspep) and PROUDLY claiming he's discreet the whole time. I began responding slower and slower to him (coz i blogging here) and finally he decides to leave.

" I see you very busy now ah. So slow reply geh? Are you wanking to my clip? Ha ha ha....ok lah i wanna go bathe now. You dun so notti oh....if really cannot tahan just give me a call. We can have fun together like that also....."

I swear i am THIS close to embedding the clip here in my blog okeh. I can do documentry yang bertajuk "Do you know fishes can have sex even after they die?"

Lau Niang cepat cepat pakai baju kurung and shades hitam besar yang cover half the face ala Siti Sifir Along.

"Ramuan untuk dokumetari hari ini ialah 2 ekor bangkai ikan. Mula mula....ambil seekor bangkai ikan. Letakkan bangkai ikan di atas seekor lagi bangkai ikan. TADA! Tuan tuan dan puan puan.....begitu lah gaya dua ekor bangkai ikan mengawan....sekian terima kasih. Jumpa lagi minggu depan dalam segmen Siti Sifir! Satu..kali satu....satu! Satu....kali dua....dua! "

*insert Along theme song and credit titles...*

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Brinjal Brinjal....wor ai ni!

One day hor...me and my sister both of us girls ponteng work together. Keji not? Then hor...we pigi melacur at meat valley together gether. Ok lah....she go with her bf, only lau niang buat kerja melacur part time only lah. But no business because is working day lor. All is the see lai shopping only. Yes i like to become tiang lampu....chui meh?

Setelah penat melacur, kami pun berasa lapar. Dalam pada itu, kami pun mencari tempat untuk memakan tengah hari. So form 1 karangan BM kan? Ha ha ha ha! Anyways, we had the infamous asam laksa in Jaya Jusco. But lau niang forever is miss rebel. Purposely dowan order asam laksa walaupun femes. Nak makan Curry Laksa instead. So i ma order curry laksa lor.

Come come the laksa i pun makan lor. Quite nice also. Nice enough to make sis geram and jeles. That's what we call Ge-les. Plan berjaya. But the laksa looks very red and murky. Can't really see the ingredients also. Manage to pick out all the bawang only. I seriously HATE bawang. I think God made bawang to punish humankind for all the sins of the world. And the chef is carrying God's punishment on me. Can't even eat in peace, must slowly pick out bawang 1st until the mee kembang. Grrrr!!!! So i just eat whatever other things they have in it.

And suddenly lau niang tasted something foreign. I thought i ate something that look like fish paste but why taste different geh?

*sepit another piece and flips around to inspect* Wah lau...! Its a terung! Oh my god i just ate terung!!!

*sudden urge to gag but nothing comes out* Oh my god... I just ate sayur and i'm not gagging. That's weird....

*tastes another piece* Oh my god....i dun hate it. *continues chewing*......its actually good!

Wah ever since the epiphany, i went on a terung frenzy. Why no one tell me how nice is terung. Have you eaten terung before?? Its nice! Terung is so unpopular.....coz its purple. Not pink. Very hard to match. I think gomen should make kempen makan terung. Must raise pubic awarness. Did i mention its really nice? So when i got back home, we had a family lunch in Esquire Kitchen...i special request a plate of terung. Still nice. I finish the whole plate myself lei.

Then later dinner mom cooked at home. I asked her to cook more terung. Ha ha ha!

Man...who would have thought terung is so nice hor. If one day lau niang feel feel very generous i let you belanja me makan okeh? But you better make sure got terung on the menu wor. Kalo tak, mek terungkan your bontot.

All this while i thought terung is a sex toy for poor people only..............

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Why Do We Love Tyra Banks so much

First....she falls down over a couch on national television.

Then....she is seen acting a crazy fool alongside with Bunifa, the black version of me. Ha ha ha ha! You so won't believe its Tyra underneath all those red leather and big hair.

Ps: Check out latest update over Queen Bitch. More shameless camwhore self adoring pics for you to admire. Ha ha ha ha!

P/ps: To all the so many readers who are curious over abang 3some. Well i scared the living daylights out of him on our date and he no longer calls me anymore. I'm so at peace now. Ha ha ha ha ha! What i did? I pakai dress Valentino matching ngan Jimmy Choo i and i claim that it's my casual dress only. Pastu i spoke to him in the queen's english (queen of england not drag queen okeh) Terpinga-pinga he talk to me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Merk suker merk suker!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Ooops I Did It Again.....

I am now sitting in Old Town cafe...slapping myself for being such a nice and compromising although very cute and adorable girl. You see....i got myself into a pickle.....again. In a matter of few hours, i'm about to meet up a psychotic chatter.

What happened? What was i thinking? Who is that psycho??

It all started like this. This guy has been existing silently in my MSN contact list for quite a while. Really, i dun even remember where i know him. And then suddenly out of the blue, he messages me. I clearly remember our 1st conversation.

Chatter: Hi.....how are you ah? So long we never meet up already.

Me: Err......hi i'm doing great but i believe we've never met before.

Chatter: Wah....you forgotten me already ah? Last time we had a threesome before lah. Are you still in touch with the other guy? Wanna meet up again?

What-the-fuck-kanine-cau-cibai-hello-and-good-evening. The only time you'll catch me doing a threesome is when Ken Watanabe and Lee Hom is coincidentally in KL and coincidetally in my house okeh.

Are you Ken Wanatabe? No.

Are you Lee Hom? No.

Then if all no how to have threesome like that!? So back to the conversation.

Me: Errr.....i think you must have gotten the wrong person. I seriously never met up with you before...let alone have any threesomes.

Chatter: Oh really ah.....must be the wrong person then. So malu. Ha ha ha....

But anyway, he kinda admitted that he found me attractive and he went all out to impress me. For the past month or so, he never failed to sms or call me everyday. I mean sure, i like to be treated like Queen Amidala. I like the attention he's giving me. But its so overwhelming sometimes. Up to an irritating level in fact. Now you say i fussy kan. People dun sms you, you complain. People sms you, you also complain. In my defence, that's what divas do. Ok lah, i give you a sample of our sms conversation then you tell me if i'm being diva or not.

Abg 3some: What you doing now ah boy?

Me: Having dinner with frens lor.

Abg 3some: Wahh.....who are they wor? You meet plu ah?

Me: Aiyah, they're just my friends from the orchestra lah. You think i have time to meet up guys ah??

Abg 3some: I worry you mah. Heh heh. How many of them wor?

Me: Umm...5

Abg 3some: Can mms me their pics?

Me: *no reply*

Psycho not you tell me??! Want to find out who am i hanging out with, how many of them, and even want me to MMS pics of my friends to me. That is not concern or worry okeh. That is being obsessive oledi you know.

Yahh needdd....to let a sistah have her free space.

Yahh needdd....to let a sistah have her own personal time.

You think i being diva now??? Waste my credit answering all those soalan yang tak perlu okeh. Somehow i know he is not the right guy for me.

I tell you something personal bout me. I rarely fall for guys one and when i do, i feel it immediately one. If i have feelings for a guy, my heart woud skip a beat whenever i recieve an SMS from him. With abg 3some, i would roll my eyes and go "ughh....what does he wants now..."

And then hor, my heart would be running like Black Beauty if i am to meet him for the 1st time. I'd be scared and worried. I be twirling my pigtails and go "....ohmygod...what if he dun like me in person? What if i'm not his type? Do i look ok now?"

And when we meet up....he would grab my waist and draw me near....stare intensely into my eyes with looks that says "Let me take care of you forever..." My heart would then be choking in my throat and i have to swallow it back in. Then he would draw my head closer to him and he would give me a gentle peck on my forehead....assuring his love for me.

You see how well Ken Watanabe does it???

As he kisses my forehead gently, i would feel his big strong hands on my cheeks. I close my eyes, the mer-people would rise from the oceans and start singing the ending theme of Little Mermaid. You know the one that goes "Now you can waaallk *chang* (the grand cymbal).....now you can ruunnnn *chang* (grand cymbal again) ....now you can staaay all day in the sun...(choir sing aahh ahh ahhh....)...just you and me.....(aahhhhh) and i could bee.... (AAHHH! *high pitch mah*) part of your worrlldd....

And then a giant wave would lift King Triton up, he would hold my hands approvingly and touch me with his trident and then my shirt will turn into a sparkly Dior dress....then he'll wave at the skies making a huge rainbow. I'd sail away under the rainbow and all the mer-folks will be waving bye bye to me.

My god....i'm such a Phoebe Buffay.

But you see.....i'm about to meet him soon but i'm not the least scared or excited and what's worse...the merfolks are not singing! How to make lau niang happy if no mermaid singing?!

Definitely not the right guy lor. If its the right guy i know the merfolks will sing and wave bye bye to me one. No merpeople means not right guy.

No merpeople now. So sad. Sigh....i'm so dreading this. Wish me luck people......

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lau Niang (Nearly) Goes on a Blind Date

Here's an interesting question. Exactly how much trouble are you willing to take when meeting up a chatter or net friend?

Are you willing to drive to the opposite end of town just to pick him up?

Are you willing to foot all bills like movie or meals or whatever things you do on a date that incurs costs?

Are you willing to let your date decide on everything as in where and what to eat or what movie to watch...and you just play along; although you may not be in favour of it?


I only make a few exception. VERY few. Lau niang will not struggle like that on a blind date UNLESS:

1. You is Ken Watanabe. Heck i'll pick you up, drive you around, pay for dinner (although i may have to wash plates later tapi merk sanggup nyah. Boleh i wash plate sambil singing 'Someday my prince will come..." ala Snow White ) and give you a foot rub. And lick your sweat. Oh please bring me out....

2. You are a chatter or a dear friend whom i know well enough and is worthy of all my struggle. If you is very very nice and kind to me all along and you prove yourself worthy as a good and sincere friend to me.....i will consider letting you belanja me when we meet up. If i feeling generous, i'll let you treat me to a movie as well.

No more other exceptions.

Other chatter rakyat jelata out there kalo nak dating mek, you better treat me like Queen Amidala. You must pick me up in a carriage with 8 white unicorns with silver horns or muscular topless horse-man (neh the one like Narnia one but i dowan so ugly one. I wan lebih hemsem one. Badan pass oledi) and have dayang-dayang palace bernama Zhang Ziyi pakai dress sepanjang 15 meter to hold my delicate hands and escort me to masuk carriage. Pastu must treat me to a nice dinner and a freaking good movie and surprise me with something from Prada before even thinking of getting into my panties.

Lau Niang is royalty blood okeh. Maybeline also say because i'm worth it.

So why did i bring this up? Well.....recently i was clowning with this guy i met from guys4men. Shit I spill so much dirt now i sound like skanky ho only. Stop judging me okeh. I'm not one. I know all of you melacur there also! But anyway, his face quite rakyat jelata only but he does have a nice body. But he's all the way in Sarawak. So i was just slutting with him virtually and nothing saucy happened. I'm not expecting anything to happen also.

But hor....just a few hours back, suddenly he send me sms lei! He say he's around my area visiting and he would like to meet up lei. So lau niang ma very excited lor. I ask to meet in a mall 1st. In case skali his face is like resident evil Quasimodo senanglah i ditchkan right. If meet at home mati kena rogol wait. Bontot kena terung. Cannot. Pretty girls like us must play smart one you know.

But hor......wah lan...he more diva than me can! At 1st i ask to meet in mall he dowan. Mintak to meet in Kl Central. What in gay hell. Why would anyone wanna meet up in KL Central for?! What is there to do there? Makan in McD pastu shopping in 7-11???? EUWWW!!!! Allergic merk okeh. Saya alah 7-11. I only do Debenhams and Harods. And what happened to my muscle horse-men and carriage and Zhang Ziyi kan.

Apa lagi.....i never budge. Tetap demand to meet in One Utama at least. Then you know what he said?? He freaking asked me to pick him up from Kelana Jaya can?! Not that i purposely want to berlagak diva here. But you all know my infamous talent in my sense of directions. When it comes to be getting lost on the road, Lau Niang is prodigy okeh. No one as talented as me in getting lost lor. I study in UM and work there until now, more than 5 years already still can sesat go 9 college okeh. Apa lagi want to drive so Kelana Jaya. JUST to pick up a chatter whom i have flirted with for 20 mins online only. And never meet before some more.

Do you think he's really worth all the trouble?

Honey....yah neeedd...to treat a sistah like a real lady okeh. Yah neeed....to be a gentleman and pick up this nice lady here okeh. Yah don't ask a sistah to freaking pick you up on a date mmmkay?! That is so.....uncouth.

After that i did something very sialan. Ha ha ha ha! Dengan sangat friendlynya i told him that he can actually take a free shuttle bus from the lrt station to one utama. And the bus come everyhalf hour. Pooop terus no reply. Why suddenly no sound one. Wrrr I do?! Wrrr...wrrr..wrrr I do??!

So what would you have done if you have such a situation?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Flirting in Starbucks

Last weekend got leng cai cashier at Starbucks flirting with Lau Niang lei. Sungguh tak sangka merk tetap cantik menawan walaupun muka sudah tembam macam char siu pau. So i still have some holiday weights; bite my chinese ass if you dun like then.

So this guy, he's a really cute malay guy standing behind the cashier counter. He has the beautifulest eyes that sparkles everytime you look into it and he keeps on flashing this smile that makes me blush all the time.

Anyways here's me scripting the scene again.

Abg Starbucks: Hello Sir...gooood morning. Can i have your order please?

Lau Niang: (Still groggy coz baru dipaksa bangun by stoopit sisters yang gila shopping pagi-pagi buta) .....can i have a caffe latte please?

Abg Starbucks: Very well sir. Would you like any flavour with it? Caramel? Vanilla? Anything for you?

Lau Niang: No...just a plain one will do.

Abg Starbucks: No problem...(starts punching in the cash register and keyeing in my order) How are you today sir? (he squints his beautiful eyes at me wondering if i'm ok or not....in which i'm not!)

Lau Niang: I uhh.....definitely need my coffee 1st. Now.....*weak laugh*

Abg Starbucks: Ha ha ha....it's on the way. So are you local? *Insert killer smile*

Lau Niang: Umm yeah.....i'm local but i work in KL.

Abg Starbucks: Ahh....back for the holidays eh? Having a good time?

Lau Niang: Welll...i'm just catching on my sleep and shopping around...buying coffee. Ha ha ha!

Abg Starbucks: Well your coffee is ready sir. Would you like an extra shot with it? On the house *insert smiley face and twinkling eyes* (ohmigod...basah panties i okeh)

Lau Niang: That's really nice of you...but its ok....(can i have an extra shot of you instead) i'll be just fine.

Abg Starbucks: *Passes cup of coffee to me and looking curiously between me and my sister* Just curious....are you two together?

Lau Niang: Well.....she's my sister if that's what you mean. (Yes i'm very available so just fucking write your number on my coffee cup oledi!)

Abg Starbucks: Oh of course....ha ha ha haha! Here's your coffee and have a nice day sir. Do come again soon!

Lau Niang: Thank you so much....i'll see you around sometime *grins*

Grin returned.

Five minutes after i left Starbucks....

Lau Niang: Kanine cau cibai......i ordered the wrong coffee. I wanted iced latte! So hot how to drink?!?!

But never mind. Merk rela minum latte panas. That was the nicest latte panas i ever drank. Sedap walaupun panas. Did i mentioned how hot it was? Saya alah panas.

But it was well worth the wrong order....

PS: Dun you fucking dare ask me which outlet it was and what is the Abg Starbucks name. You think you can go and menyundal wif him hor. Fat hopes. Abg Starbucks is merk punyer....sapa nak mari merasa my golden nails dulu. Pastu i baptize with latte panas.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

My Happy Family Portrait

Following on with the conversation between me and the unfortunate engineer whom i love driving up the wall so much....we had another episode only yesterday. So yesterday...we ended having up having me raving on my fetish for Lucy Liu again.

Me: I tell you a secret. My twin sister is actually Lucy Liu.

Chatter: *rolls eyes* What is it with you and Lucy Liu?!

Me: Oh we have the same eyes you know! Very exotic almond shape one. If wear eye shadow meletops kau. And we're both international actress also. Only that i'm better a bit. But i low profile mah...so she more femes a bit lor.

Chatter: *faints* Wh...why Lucy Liu???! There are plenty of other famous chinese actress also what. What about Gong Li? She's famous what.

Me: Not as femes as Lucy Liu lor.

Chatter: Eh she's huge in Europe okeh.

Me: Lucy Liu is huge EVERYWHERE. And she happens to be one of the best dressed celebrity in Hollywood, on par with dames like Cathrine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman you know. And she's chinese! Doesn't that make you feel proud a bit?

Chatter: Gong Li is chinese also what.

Me: Ya i like her also. Lucy Liu is my twin sister and Gong Li is our secret biological mother. That's why we so exotic.

Chatter: Arrrrgghhh!!!!! Why did i bring this up in the 1st place.....what was i thinking!

Me: Oh...and that Zhang Ziyi is the slut who stole Ken Watanabe away from me.

Chatter: Oh my god......what sin have i commited to deserve a friend like you.....ahhh!!!!! I'm getting a headache now!

Me: oh oh oh! I have another distant cousin who can help you also! She's not as pretty as me and Lucy Liu coz she's actually from Korea. But she's a very good doctor...can cure your headache.

Chatter: ?!?!?!?!!!

Me: Sandra Oh.

Chatter: Arrrrggghh!!!!! You know what i really better take a moment away from you before i smash the computer monitor.

Me: Ok lah ok lah dowan disturb you anymore lah. I dun wan to be responsible for your premature insanity wait. Very serious now okeh. I tell you bout my real family. I have an aunty from Ipoh.

Chatter: Finally! Ok...an aunty from Ipoh. So what about her? What's so good (or bad) about her?

Me: ...........Michelle Yeoh. Toooott. (cepat cepat offline)

Friday, August 1, 2008

How to Use an Autoclave

Wah suddenly Lau Niang so crever so intelectual ada hati want to teach everyone how to use an autoclave. Do you even know what an autoclave is?! What in gay hell is an autoclave? I learned this fancy word while chatting with a fellow engineer chatter whom i love driving him up the wall.

So today he was asking me what is this autoclave because he very admire my terror terror Engrish lor. He think i know everything mah. And yes...i DO know everything.

Chatter: Would you know what is an autoclave?

Bibik: Sure sure!!! So easy. An aotoclave.....is a clave that functions on its own lor. That's why we call it auto. Can you say auto? A-U-T-O....

Chatter: Go to hell lah you!

Bibik: Wahhh i can't believe you just said that. I did you a good favour out of my sincere heart and you condemn me to hell after that. So much for friendship.....

Chatter: ................you dun so drama can ah?

Bibik: Oh i am so hurt.......the pain.......

Chatter: I found out already. An autoclave is a pressurized device designed to heat aqueous solutions above their boiling point at normal atmospheric pressure to achieve sterilization. Sort of like a pressure cooker.

Bibik: .......oh that's nice. What else can it cook?

Chatter: ..........no it doesn't cook. Its an industrial device.

Bibik: Ceh......then buy for what. Cannot cook anything also. So lau yah one....

Chatter: *faints* Its not for cooking. Its for sterilizing purposes! Autoclaves are widely used in microbiology, medicine, sterilizing instruments for body piercing, veterinary science, dentistry, podiatry and metallurgy. The large carbon-fiber composite parts for the Boeing 787, such as wing and fuselage parts, are cured in large autoclaves.

Bibik: So this new job you wanna apply.....is just to on autoclaves only lah?

Chatter: Dunno yet lah

Bibik: you need to actually hire a person just to do that only meh? I thougth its like microwave you just put the tool in the press on button lor no meh. They're all the same only mah all this wave wave machines.

Chatter: *faints* need to do more than that lah!

Bibik: I know i know! Maybe you'll have TEN autoclaves to manage. Then people would call you "the autoclaver" hor.

Chatter: .....................

Bibik: then when you successfully autoclaved things for them oledi, they would say " Wah tq tq.....so claver lah you!"

Chatter: Different tune......cannot discuss anymore.

Bibik: ha ha ha hahhaah!! you know me lah, i is actress glamer, if i dunno anything i ma write my own script lor. Wait ah this is so fun i wanna blog it! Babai!

Chatter: but......

Bibik: [tooot...terus offline]

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Slept With My Best Friend's Man

Donch you fucking dare judge me. I did it for a super selfless noble cause okeh. And i only slept with him....figuratively. Not literally okeh. Come closer to the monitor and start looking like a fool. I want to tell you a secret. Secretnya ialah....Perky is a skanky ho. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!! You dinch hear this from me okeh....Shh! Shh!

Ya....she really is. You see, she keeps guy(s) in her home for business(?), pleasure(?), a pet(?)...i'll never know.

Anyways, what happens if daddy drops by for a surprise visit? Where do you chuck your guy(s)? Why......in your girlfriend's home right upstairs only of course! How convenient.

Yes people....for the love of a sistah i have to share my porn-scaterred-everywhere, pink-feather-boa-on-the-loose rainbow gay home with a straight man. I have to go to bed knowing there's a straight man next door. Do you know how trauma is that? Lau niang trauma okeh!

And this is no ordinary regular straight man i tell you. This...is the very same straight man who walked up into my car....and fucking threw a damn live prawn at me. MOVING LIVE ONES!!!! has anyone threw a live prawn at your face? Do you know what is it like?

Why would someone do such a holigible vegitable thing right?? Why?? Just because he's jealous of my power duet with Mama Diva. Dia macam Celine Dion duet ngan Whitney Houston okeh. And he's anti Ning Baizura. Mama Diva screamed his brown ass off; making pepople think there's a gang rape going on inside the car okeh. Meletops satu KL okeh....

So memorable hor.....

And so for the love of a best friend, I let him into my house with open arms. At night when i sleeping in bed, i have so many ideas to get back at him.

I thought of waiting him to fall asleep and then i'll paint his face like Barbie Fairytopia. With permanent ink. But I didn't.

I wanted to paint permanent unremovable pink nail polish on his toes and nails. But i didn't.

I wanted to dress him up with fish net stocking and pink feather boa and post the pics here and at malaysiakini. But i didn't.

Coz i'm a noble, selfless, forgiving, kind hearted good friend okeh. You'll never find another friend who would gladly let your guy to bunk in during emergencies...and secretly blogs about it....and demands a week of free dinner after that.

Matilah merk kena main pindah randah like nomad cari lubang gua to stay in. Perky's so gonna hunt my skinny ass down after this.

If you want to find me after this, my new address is inside Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup, tengah tengah hutan puaka atas puncak Gunung Everest di tengah tengah Mozambique. And i'll be guarding my new rock with Ogres, Rotweillers.......and prawns.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The One Weekend Where I Was Back in Hometown

"Wei you free this Sat not? Let's go watch a choir performance lah!"

".....I'm back in hometown..."

Bong; Friday

"Bapok malam ni nak pergi La Queen tak?"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

David Nenek Sundal; Friday

"Kor....Bring me to Bon Odori festival in KLPAC lah!"

"...I'm back in Hometown..."

Sis; Saturday

"You in KL now? Tomolo i bring you go Marketplace lah, my treat..."

"....I'm back in hometown...."

online-chatter-who-is-trying-to-woo-me; Saturday

"Come to my concert lah, i got free ticket for you!"

"....I'm back in hometown..."

Poporoot; Saturday

"Nyah....do photoshoot for me and Jules lah!"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

Perky; Sunday

And what was i fucking doing in hometown?

Kanine Cau Cibai

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Canon S5IS Revealed

Twas a dark and stormy night. The heavy drizzle of the rain patted rhythmically on my window panes. The air con was set to a nice breezy temperature. I was alone in my room with only my laptop keeping me company. I got lost in cyberland googling for nude pics of Ken Watanabe slutting chatting with other fellow cyber sluts good friends.

Then all out of a sudden, I heard muffled booms of explosions from outside my serene room. Pfftt....dad must have farted. Someone must be shooting dogs outside. But the explosions went on and on.....and on and on. Dad couldn't have farted so many times. There aren't THAT many stray dogs around my place. And it's drizzling outside. Who would be out shooting dogs in the middle of a rain....at past 11pm?!?!

The silent explosion got me curious and rather irritated. With a heavy heart and butt, i had to part with Ken Watanabe my chat friends, drag myself out of the room and find out what the racket is all about. If it came from any members of my family....they better be prepared for a bitch fit from hell. Nothing comes between me and Ken Watanabe my chat friends okeh. Hell hath no fury like the scorn of a woman parted from Ken Watanabe her chat friends. I'm like Malefecent flapping the wings from her haute couture gown and slamming her staff loudly on the floor already.

To my unexpected surprise, the boomings came from outside my home. See, my bedroom is jus next to the balcony and that's where the noise came from. I was all prepared to march to the balcony and scream "DIAMLAH PUKIMAK!! Nak mampos??!" to whoever it was making all the noise outside.

As soon as i opened the balcony door, i saw the most glorious sight. Fireworks booming in my face. HUGE ASS ones! I dashed back to my room and dived for the camera and here's what i got in a matter of 15 minutes or so.

Simply glorious innit? So how did i possibly get such great great shots? After recieving curious comments and compliments from the pictures of my previous buaya post, i feel its finally time i reveal my latest better-than-sex toy. Cam sluts, fairies and queens.....i present to you my latest gadget; the almighty Canon S5IS :

This baby boasts of a fantastic 8 megapixel with 12x optical zoom and 48x digital zoom. How you think i got the great close up shot of the croc eye huh. You think i squatted 2 inches away from the buaya and slowly adjust camera to snap ker. That's how good the digital zoom is. Its even far enough for me to snappy the interior of living hall of a neighbour living the NEXT block of my condo! Now i can zoom in and snappy Ken Watanabe when he's bathing. So all you people out there, remember to close your toilet windows the next time you bathe. Dun be surprised and blame me if you see pics of yourself tengah mengangkang over the toilet bowl with a caption that reads "Guess what i saw yesterday? ha ha ha ha! " in this blog.

For all the non camera savvy readers out there, this Canon is actually what we call a prosumer model. Its sort of like a hybrid between those canggih canggih SLR cameras and those point and shoot compact cameras. So basically, this is a point and shoot camera with SLR functions. Not as good as SLRs of course, but its close and good enough. Ceh sudenly sound like camera professor jer kan.

A prosumer is fun (to me) because if you're lazy and you just want a quick picture, you can easily set it at the auto mode and use it like a regular compact. Point at whichever dick subject you want and just press the snap button and you'll still get a decent pic. There's over 20 pre-set modes for you to choose from so you are really spoilt for choices. There's a mode for practically ANY pictures. Portraits, animals, plants, sceneries, night scenes, you name it they have it all.

And sometimes if you're more ambitious and you want greater shots; or those artsier ones, there's the manual mode for you to explore. This is where you can adjust everything to your liking and get the desired results you want in your picture. You can adjust the exposure, lighting, shutter speed, stuff like that. And every kind of settings will produce different results. It gets really technical here.

That's why it took me so long to reveal this camera when actually i bought it a few months ago. I thought i wanna be sure and really know how to use it 1st before i share this with everyone. Lau Niang spend so many hours sitting in bookshop browsing camera books also you dunno. I know its a very cheapskedo way but you know how much do these camera books cost?! Not rm9.90 with free toy in it that i can tell you.

This is the reason why i didn't get an SLR camera instead. It's so intimidating i tell you. This camera is also not cheap okeh. I spent many hours studying the model 1st before i buy it if not nanti kang regret my whole life plak. I never study this hard when i sat for my STPM also i tell you. Just so you know how good the picture quality this camera produces, i actually made a comparison with another similar fierwork shot i snapped with my previous Casio compact camera. You can CLEARLY see how much more difined the Canon picture quality is.

So from now on, yo can expect more paparazi shots of people making out behind dark bushes, bathing in toilet, surfing porn, or anything fun that comes along. I have 48x digital zoom now. And its upgradable.

Be afraid people, be very afraid....HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Melaka Crocodile Farm

I finally know what i want to be if i'm not teaching.

A Crocodile!!

Do you know how fun being a crocodile is? I only found out when i visited the Crocodile Farm with fellow blogger Jonzz when he dropped by my hometown. Oh yessss....i do make blind dates with straight men as well. And i'll have you known i was rather sick during the weekend also. But dun care....tetap want to go crocodile farm. So that can take pics. So can blog. So you can see. So you will....comment. *Hint hint*

See how much i love you alls. Sick also go hunting for blogging materials you know. How many of us are that passionate and selfless? Howmany howmany?

So what is so fun about being a crocodile?

I'm so envious of them i tell you. All they do is bathe in the sun all day long. And i lurrrrve sun tanning myself. See, we already have something in common.

And oh....you get to eat up people that you dun like also. I think that's the most fun part. I'm sure all of you have to agree. No need to struggle go to bomoh to mandrem them or try murdering them and end up getting caught by police. Don't like? Just chomp.

Also, i get to star in multiple Hollywood movies! You know how many crocodile movies are there in Hollywood already? People are just CRAZY over crocs i'm telling you. I'm gonna be in a movie with Ken Watanabe as the hero. Oh shit...then he'll have to kill me huh. I'm gonna die being bombed into a million pieces.

No...i'm going to be a frail harmless innocent crocodile who is being hunted by fat and ugly hunters coz they're after my beautiful skin. And Ken Watanabe would be the topless hunky environmentalist who goes all out to save me. See it's so original. Why must crocodile be bad all the time kan. I hope Ken Watanabe likes crocodile sex though. I promise i won't bite.

And when i die...as a crocodile no less....i get to do something noble. I'm gonna donate my skin to Prada and make Ken Watanabe wear me all day long. So i can smell his sweat and feel his warmth....

Omigosh i'm supposed to be talking bout a croc farm eh? How emberassing. So yeah i was there with Jonzz and we saw....... crocodiles. Crocodiles crocodiles and more crocodiles..... *cricket chirping*

Shits....does anyone know how to review a crocodile farm here???

Basically i saw many crocodiles lor. I dunno how many million times i mentioned what i saw oledi but nothing much to say anymore right. As a fully grown adult who had education up to university level, i am almost sure that crocodiles has various species as well. Am i right? I'm sure i have to be. But strangely enough, the croc farm here didn't label the species. So i'm going to label my own crocodile species here.

First, we have the rakyat jelata crocodile. They're commoners. Very fat, just laying down very still and very boring to look at. Hmm.....

Then we have the Tyra Banks crocodile. Buaya yang fierce fierce tu lah. See the eyes....so big and shiny. Memang fierce like Tyra kan. But i still like my oriental-Lucy Liu-almond-eyes. Those big and white jagged teeth also makes them look super brutal.

Then we have the Resident Evil Crocodile. See the crocodile is injured. I'm guessing this crocodile must be either suffering from ADD and he got into some fights with other crocs...or he's just a hamsap crocodile. Maybe a freak accident by a hot french kissing session. But i'm guessing its the latter reason. This croc doesn't move at all. Cannot be ADD. A snail can slowly crawl across his jaws and come out unharmed. I think his mouth cannot move coz he got a jawlock from giving too many blowjobs. Hamsap crocodile it is.

Next off, we ave the crocodile kindergarten. There's this pond where they keep all the baby crocs and they look like big iguanas. So cute lor. I wonder if they cry every morning looking for their mamas....

This crocodile farm very kelass one. Got rumah buaya cacat also okeh. These crocs got no tail one. If they can talk, i'm sure they have an epic story story to tell. Something like "Oh i sold my tail to a chinese restaurant so i can feed my family..." So ker lian hor...

And this....is the bomb. This is LAU NIANG crocodile okeh. It. Is. Fucking. Huge!!!! Its so huge it can eat up other crocs. Like finger food. You think giant crocs in movies are all graphics? There's real ones out there i tell you. It doesn't really show in the picture but it's huge i'm tell you. If there's no locked gates by the pond and the croc promises not to chew me, i'd have gladly strike a Tyra pose by the croc so you can see exactly how big it is. Scary!!!

And then, we have the Diva crocodile. Why i say this croc so diva? You compare this croc and other crocs:

You see you see. Diva or not??! Other crocs have to share a muddy shallow pond with shit water. This diva croc is like Zhang Ziyi from Banquet movie okeh.

She gets her own personal pool with crystal clear water to play with. Got personal coconut tree and landscaping some more okeh. If i'm a crocodile this would be me lor.

And here's something new for you. Do you know that crocodiles have no tongue?? I'm serious!

You see inside the mouth is all pink pink only. No tongue one. I don't see one at least. They dun have hole in the mouth also. I wonder how they swallow food. I can show you close up to see yourself.

And here i'm about to show you my last pic. This is the cream i tell you. If you're reading this at work, i suggest you dun scroll down any further coz its just too violent and horrorfying and scary mary. Not safe for work at all. Not safe for kids also. Not safe for adults also. Not safe for anyone. Dun blame me if you end up screaming in shock like siau lang in the middle of your office and have people giving you weird stares okeh. You have been warned.

Aside from the fact that this IS a crocodile farm, this farm has a "Reptile Corner" as well. I know its redundant but dunno why they insist on making one. So out of curiosity and also to make my Rm5 worth, sure i go and see what its all about lah. And i saw this to my horror (remember my warning uols....merk tak tanggung if anything malu happens ya. Pregnant ladies dont see also!)


Some staff nicely kept their pet rabbit there. How clever......