Gay Movie Are Not Fun.....

Seriously. No I’m not talking about porn. Of course I heart porn. Why you people so hamsap one….always think about porn only. I’m talking bout real gay themed movies here. I’m talking bout Brokeback Mountain and shit.

Today, I was watching this Chinese drama series. A gay one. It belongs to The Housemate so I was just helping myself. Its entitled Crystal Boys. I know….the title also so bottom. What the hell are Crystal Boys??! An why is the guy holding that oh-so-gay pink flowers?? What not sissy enough arh? But what the heck right…..just watch only lah. I watched 2 discs only and I’m gasping for air and mercy to be released off this torture already. I mean yeah; of course the casting is great. Handsome topless guys kissing and what not….but oh the storyline…..

After watching this movie, it just occurred to me. Why are all gay movies so tragic? First there’s the infamous depressing Lan Yu. Then came the even more traumatizing Brokeback Mountain. In both movies, the innocent jilted boyfriend always has to die; having the surviving partner spend the rest of his life in remorse and guilt; and of course making the audience gag and puke….feeling equally depressed in the end.

I was told that Queer As Folk is equally as depressing; a series that showcases all possible problems faced by gay men? I’m telling you, the box sets are lying there right under my nose. But do I look like I care? Take a look at my nonchalant I-couldn’t-care-less face. I wish I can post a self pic here if I could to show you how NOT bothered I am.

And then of course, there’s the oh-so-bottom Crystal Boys. This movie I have to tell you….is no better. It’s set in a very rural province of China or Taiwan…or Shanghai…maybe Singapore? You name some countries with poor Chinese in it. And of course our very handsome hunky gay boy has to be brought up in an ultra poor family where they stay in mud huts and feed on tree barks or whatever insects that comes their way and drink from the river where they also bathe and do their laundry and wash their backsides there. Then of course, we can’t leave out the usual package.

Drunkard father abuses wife in front of kids, wife runs away with a poor musician (of which she gets dumped and succumbs to prostitution eventually) leaving children to be raised by drunk father alone. Ten years later poor handsome boy grows up into a steamy hunk, goes to senior high school, meets other cute classmates…..and that’s where the fun starts.

OR SO YOU THINK!!!

Here’s a very short typical scene I extracted from the movie. Its so cliché I tell you.

What seemed like an innocent game of basketball (get this) in a bedroom....(how convenient)

....became an spur of the moment infatuation as the 2 donkeys fell on the bed

Eyes meet....hands touch.....suddden silence...sudden fear.....bullshit

Oh....err...err...mom's calling me, i had better be going...

So the little innocent friendship blossoms; both thinking tht they are perfectly normal friends. Until our handsome hero's little brother passes away....

Oooh...I'm so sad....just let me die....i don't wanna live anymore...boo hoo....

There there....don't cry, i'm here for you....here, let me give you a hug....

Oh John....you are so nice to me......

SHAZAMM!!!

Oh man....we shouldn't be doing this man.... i'm getting married to Ah Lian next month

Oh but it feels so right....(and hot sex ensues....of course)

Angry dad: What!! You had sex with a guy in school??! Get out of my house....i don't have a son like you! (yawn...)

Dad kicked me off the house....can i stay with you? You love me right?? Right???

Sorry man....Ah Lian cooked char siew pau for me today...i gotta go home. Bye forever.....

See what I mean? Gay movies are ALWAYS like that! Someone has to die. Someone has to get dumped. Someone has to regret their whole lives. Fathers have to kick their gay sons out. If its not such a case, then it’ll be something like gay1 falls madly in love with gay2 but gay2 only wants some man meat. After getting what he wants he dumps gay1 then he commits suicide and gay2 regrets his whole life swearing not to have another ONS again but eventually sleeps with the handsome priest who conducted the funeral service and the cycle goes on…..

What is it with movie directors these days?? I’m beginning to suspect that all movie directors are so straight they can’t even spell G-A-Y and they’re out to scare the gay lights out of everyone; showing to the world how scary a gay man’s life can be; so much so until even gay men are afraid to be gay.

“Oh…if you’re gay you’ll never have a happy life. All your lovers will dump you for a hotter guy. Your dad’s gonna disown you. You‘ll end up all alone in the street under the rain. You’ll have to resort to be a cheap hooker and service sleazy ugly old greasy bellied men and die of AIDS eventually.”

Can’t we have more romantic comedies? The gay version? There’s plenty of America’s Sweethearts and The Holiday, and She’s all That, and 10 thing I Hate About You, Sweet November, A Walk in the Clouds and the list goes on. But you won’t find any gay movies of that sort. No, you only get Brokeback Mountain. You only get Lan Yu. And Crystal Boys. Every boyfriend has to die. Someone must cry in the end.

I’ve H-A-D-D-I-T with all these movies I’m telling you. If I meet any of the directors myself, I’m gonna shove that DVD up his straight homophobe ass. From now on, I’m only gonna watch HAPPY gay movies.

Porns. Gay ones. Lots and lots of them.....

All the actors are having fun making the movie, and the audiences have even more fun watching them. See how it works? So yeah people….if you wanna be happy, watch porn all day long. You are guaranteed a very happy explosive ending (pun not intended). Orgasms will release more endorphins and that makes us happier people. See I’m smiling all the way here…..Hey…that doesn’t mean I just had an orgasm ok.

I just happy only lah…err..err…..i’m only holiday mah, so I happy lah….cannot meh! Bye now....scuse me while i look for some tissues....