Faster Eat....Faster Eat!!

Reading Nyonya Penang’s latest entry sure brought back a flush of personal memories of my own. You see, I used to have some umm…..dietary issues myself during my growing years. I was told by my mom that even as a toddler, my maid had to carry me around the housing area for 2 whole hours just to feed me a small plate of half boiled eggs.

Pertinent to that, I was naturally very petite as a boy. Most of the time, I was the shortest and lightest in class. I tell you embarrassing secret. In primary school, I actually wore the same blue short pants from year 1 to year 6. Yes I could still fit into my year 1 pants at the age of 12. Stop laughing you!

Back at home, I had a lot of pressure from my family as well. You see, I have 3 other cousins the same age as me. Once again, mak lah yang paling mini size. All 4 of us were born in the year of the dog. And my youngest aunty once said, “If all 4 of you were real dogs, your cousins would be Dobermans and you’ll be the Chihuahua of the group.” Sweet.

Every other day, I would be constantly nagged by either my mom or gramma. It gets worse during festive seasons where relatives visit and they would give snide remarks about how I never grew.

“ Aiyoh….you never eat that’s why you so short. Wait other people think I never feed you…” says mom.

“You see all your other cousins all taller and bigger than you. Their mother cook anything also they eat; not so picky like you…semua tak makan!” says gramma.

“Wah….why you still so skinny ah? You never eat lice ah? Must eat more mah! My boy boy younger than you also taller than you….ha ha ha!” says irritating relatives.

Now all their children are ugly and overweight. Who’s laughing now?? HA HA HA HA!!!!!

It’s kinda depressing really. Up until I was 15, I was still wearing Little Bobdog and Batman t shirts coz I can only fit into the lil’ boy’s department sizes. A Nike tee was big enough to make a blanket for me back then. Not until super large Alien Workshop and Ocean Pacific tees came in trend. Then I could dress up a little.

I still remember how gramma would prepare a huge ass bowl of rice, all mixed with gravy and whatever dishes we had for the day and she would spoon feed me and my sis. From the same bowl. Sharing is caring you know. I purposely chewed slower so that my sis had to eat more. That’s why she’s the fat one when we were younger. Gosh I hope she doesn’t read this. Mak naik Air Asia lari ke Cambodia dulu.

Now that i'm taller than gramma already, i would say back the very same thing she told me everytime she picks her food. Just to get back at her you know. She doesn't take western food, anything buttered and cheese you see. Sausage, bacon, cakes...all she rejek.

" You see....you everything also dun eat...how to grow taller?"

And she would smack me on the head. Ha ha ha!

And dad didn’t make it any easier too. Oh he was a tyrant in my younger days. I was afraid of no one in the house. Except daddy. Just one look from his eyes can make all your bones shudder okeh. No need rotan rotan also. But of course I still had my rotan days lah. Still trying to forget about it.

ANYWAY, there was once when he packed lunch for me after school coz gramma (who usually cooks) was on summer holiday. I still remember I was in Year 1 back then. I sat on the dining table and Daddy said I couldn’t leave the table until I finished the food. I nodded vigorously in panic of course. The he left for work.

I ate and I ate and I ate. Spoon after spoon….after spoon….after…..ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz….

I fell asleep on the table with my plate of rice not even half eaten yet. Before I realized anything, it was mom who waked me up. I jolted up and started eating violently again, afraid that Daddy would find out I still haven’t finish my rice.

Then it occurred to me. If mom is home…then dad has to be home also. Dad fetches mom home everyday. Shhiiiit!! And before I can even make any plans to destroy the evidence, I heard those heavy footsteps walking down the carpeted stairs. O f course it was Daddy, he had to have his dinner immediately after work.

What do I do…what do I do!! He stepped into the kitchen seeing me still on the table and gave me a curious look.

“Err….I’m eating dinner now…”

He gave me a brief “hmm” and went ahead with his dinner. I was still alive! So I continued eating what was suppose to be my lunch as my dinner now. Yet I couldn’t finish. Mommy had to secretly throw it away for me after I begged on my knees.

A few years ahead, I got smarter. I pretended to be busy doing homework after school and took my lunch later when there’s least people at home. At 2.30 pm, Dad would be off to work and gramma would already be fast asleep in front of the TV. Best time to have lunch. What I couldn’t finish, I threw it on the floor and my doggie would gobble everything up.

And everyone wondered why all our family dogs are always overweight………