Lau Niang Bought Soft Porn

I had a very clear copy last time and I loved it so much.

I watched it everyday.

I even practiced the moves and memorized the lines.

But recently, it got scratched. I tried buying a new copy but I couldn’t find the same movie anywhere.
And finally I found it yesterday. I was jumping for joy I actually found it again after such a long search. But to my dismay….the cover is so fugly. You see yourself lah!

What you think I pervert izzit? I talking about Geisha okeh!

Can you even imagine??! Look at the cover!! It looks like some sleazy B grade porn movie! This is supposed to be one of Spielberg’s most dignified movies. What is Zhang Zhiyi doing; clad in a leather thong with a “please-fuck-me” position on the cover?! Can the cover get any skankier than this?!? I don’t even think that’s her real picture; looks bloody photoshopped to me. Pardon the French; but I can’t seem to find a better word to describe this.

Heck if I’m gonna pay RM10 (as if it’s a big deal wtf) for a DVD, the cover had better be equally nice for my money’s worth. I was so stumped with such a dilemma. I wanted the movie so badly and when finally I find it, the cover has to be filled with tits and cleavages. Want to try my luck in other shop dunno they will have the stock or not also.

Last last, Lau Niang still buy for the love of Ken Watanabe and berangan nak jadi Hatsumomo punya pasal. I felt like one of those straight sleazy horny uncles trying to look discreet buying porn in a shop; getting weird stares and whispers from people around.

Pssst….you got the special one not…??

Mak malu tau!!

ANYWAYS…..mak going for holiday! I’ll be leaving for Langkawi erm…tonight. Staff trip. So I won’t be around till Sunday at least but still... dun forget to read and drop manyak manyak komen tau!

Will be back with more juicy gossips from trip. Faster happy holiday me!

Ps: Evans, sorry lah, cant make it this Fliday…mak kan holiday! We arrange another time okeh. Dun worry, bab Chillis memang mak will claim punyer….keji tak. Ha ha ha!!

Hand Meme

Today Lau Niang feeling feeling want to do another meme. I was bloghopping as usual the other day and I came across this very interesting hand meme. You just post a picture of your hand in your blog. Tu jer…so fun kan? Wah…so exciting…I’m going to reveal a piece of flesh in my blog.

So ready or not? Here’s comes my hand…

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JANG!!!

Haaaah…..diva tak Lau Niang’s hand??? My hand going public of course must look glamour no less kan? So kena use props lah! The theme of my hand is Ms. Thailand. Ha ha ha!

But then.…being the diva that I am, of course 1 pic not enough lah right? Must put more pics. Even my hand also cam whore tau. So what can I do with 4 golden nails??

Makanlah beras wangi Chao Phraya. Seddaap!

Come here lil’ children…teacher sayang you….

Last but not least…tangan mak yang paling meletopz….

Talk to the hands…

Ridikulus

Just over the holidays, I spent the whole day spring cleaning at home with The Housemate. We were so lazy to go out, we even placed a home delivery for meals. So we took a break for dinner and we were watching an old Harry Potter DVD while eating. Now with all due respects to Harry Potter fans out there, I’m sorry to say I’m not really a big fan. It’s not like I hate it or something; it’s just that…well let’s just say I’m more of a Will & Grace/Desperate Housewife type.

So seeing how new I was to the fascinating world of wizards and magic, he provided me with some really insightful info bout the story and movie with full swing of enthusiasm. Yes people, our friend is another Harry Potter fan.

So there was this scene. Ya’ll know the Ridikulus spell right? You must be familiar with that right? Even my pet iguana knows that spell. So yeah, then The Housemate explained to me how the spell works.







The Housemate: You see this part? This is called the Ridikulus spell. You just think of something that you fear most and whatever things you imagine will appear in front of that door. Then you point the wand at it and say “Ridikulus” and your most feared phobia will turn into something funny. Nice huh?

Me: (busy picking out onions from my fried rice) Hmm…yeah…interesting. Do they have spells to turn these stupid onions into cheese or something edible?

The Housemate: (still hooked in the Ridikulus scene) You know, I bet its scary to have something that you’re most afraid of appear in front of you….in front of so many people. It’ll be so embarrassing huh? Say…what would appear in front of the door if you were to do this spell?

Me: (wide eyes...looking lost) Err….err…err……I dunno. A…. giant vagina??? Thaaat...would grow feelers and...butterfly wings after i cast the spell? We'll call it....the Ginafly! Ha ha ha!!!

The Housemate: (glaring at me) Gosh…you’re digusting!

Me: Hey….you’re the one who asked….

Friends Are Forever....My Toenails!

Hello cheedrens….have you been good? Homework all done? Spelling know or not? U ols…u know, I had the most happening weekend tau. My pondan frens got free tickets for an award concert that was to be aired live on TV. And they invited me!! The concert got big local names such as Misha Omar, Adibah Noor, Jac Victor….Misha Omar…..and ugh….Mawi.

Mak terharu sangat u ols. I was so touched, I nearly cried. My friends had me in mind. They were willing to share something good with me. I don’t mean to sound like a drag brag but c’mon, how many of us actually has good friends like that huh? People are getting more and more selfish these days you know. But not my friends. Friends are forever kan, kan!

Bull crap.

After that kan, baru motive come out. Actually…they need someone to drive their fat asses to Shah Alam. And I happen to be the only one with a car. And that’s why I was invited as well. So much for true friends huh. Anyways, love you ols. Janganlah marah….frenemies kan..! Muah muah!! Tengok, mak kasi kiss pinkers lagi. Man I sound so plastic…

Moving on. So we were on the road…and I had to slow down to pay toll. I winded down my window and the cashier was a guy. I donch know what was I thinking but I just went “Berapa ya KAK??” It was like a reflex. Yes cheedren, I actually called the straight looking malay guy a KAK. Malu nyer mak….the pondans behind started giggling and that made things even more awkward. I sped off in embarrassment as soon as the plank (is that what you call it?) lifted up. So erm…if the akak toll; I mean abang!! If Abang Toll is reading this, my sincerest apologies ya. Sorry strawberry…..SUUUMPAH mak tak sengaja lah nyah. I mean abang!

Moving on again. So after getting lost several times in Shah Alam, we finally arrived safely at the venue. We got really great seats, the place was air conditioned, and everything was all nice and peachy.

The evening’s performance was great. Very good song selections, very good performances. Adibah Noor belted her famous single “Terlalu Istimewa” and bagged the champion award. Watching her sing that song live sure feels different. It was really moving.

But I’d say the highlight of the entire show had to be Jac’s rendition of Gemilang. Not just because of her powerful performance, but it was more of her powerful fall. Yes people, our friend were wearing this long flowy dress. She might have stepped on it and fell flat on her face. On live TV. As I quote Mama Diva, “nasib not wig fell off or skirt cover the face…” Nampak Vajayjay wait…or in this case, Vajacjac. Eeuw.

Thankfully, her hair and make up was still intact. There was pin drop silence in the stadium for a while. As soon as she quickly regained her composure, everyone started cheering again and confidently, she went “jangan lah ketawa…” and moved on to perform her song. Hats off to her, man. Wasn’t easy to remain on stage after what happened. You go girl!! For a moment there, everyone thought it was a gimmick. Ha ha ha!

Then there were Misha Omar’s performance. She performed this very nice song Cahaya Cinta. I fell in love with it the moment I heard her sing it. Very nice song with a unique oriental flavour. Got la la la la la la some more. She was donned in a stunning red gown and her dancers had matching costumes. They had very good dance choreography and it was really a mind blowing performance. With that, she emerged 1st runner up after Adibah Noor. Very well deserved. Congrations Misha…!

Tapi kan u ols…that wasn’t the only mind blowing event of the night tau. Something else got blown as well.

My car tyre.

Yes people….my car tyre blew on my way home. I think. I dinch even realize it. We drove from Shah Alam to SS2. Sempat to supper there some more. Then I dropped the pondans back home and headed home myself. Only then I realized that my car tyre meletops. And I don’t mean that in a fabulous way ok. Meletops literally. Here’s how bad the damage was.




Now surely you can’t expect a delicate oriental flower like me to know how to change a flat tyre do you? Imitate Tyra Banks I know how lah, but change Tyre…hmm..tatau. In times like these, we need straight people. So that’s when Perky came to the rescue. Yep, I got help from an original girl to change a flat tyre. Malu kan?? I know!

But conveniently, Perky’s straight buff brother was around. So we got help from him instead. But he didn’t exactly helped me though. He gave directions and made me learn how to change the tyre myself. Now he would make a great teacher. Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he’ll never be hungry again. So yeah, I kinda changed the tyre myself. Finally, I know what a Jack is. All this while, I thought it’s just a type of ass. So yeah…Perky…thanks so much and thank your brother too! What I’d do without you…muacks!

The ordeal didn’t take long. Thanks to his handy equipments…and strength to unscrew the nuts… (Stop laughing you horny bithces…behave!!) The tyre got fixed within half an hour. By the end of it, my hands were all black from the shitty tyre already and there’s no way I’m gonna dirty my steering wheels like that. Can’t possibly drive with hands that dirty. Perky’s hands are equally as dirty so she couldn’t drive as well. No water pipes around.

Then it happened. I had to do the unthinkable. I had no choice but to wash my hands in a puddle. A puddle of rain water!! Omigosh…this is so not happening!!!! Desperation really makes people do crazy stuff. I’ve willingly dunked my hands in a tub of live maggots in KLCC before but I never imagined I had to wash my hands from a rain puddle!

As soon as I reached home, I washed my hands in soap. I lotioned. I moisturized. I disinfected. I dunked my hand in Holy Water. But it still feels so dirty. I’m soiled. I’m scarred permanently….I touched puddle water!!! Yucks yucks yucks!! This is so much worse than changing tyres. Mak trauma tau…..i’ll never get over it…hu hu hu….

I.....touched...a.....puddle!!

Lau Niang Eat Sashimi!

Last Saturday, Lau Niang try Sashimi for the 1st time; thanks to The Housemate’s adventurous taste for food. On the surface, I’m more than willing to try anything new. I’ve laid scorpions on my hands before, I dunked my bare hands into a tub of maggots before, and I watched a Paris Hilton movie before too. Yeah, that was a traumatic one. When it comes to raw food, I still remember my first taste of Salmon Sushi courtesy of Perky.

So yeah, technically speaking, if I can digest raw salmon, why not other raw things right? Mak confident jer……bring it on!! As soon as the little colourful platter arrived, I was greeted by SEVERAL types of raw meat. The were namely…salmon, scott fish, tuna, fish roe, and (get this) SOTONG! RAW SOTONG!! Squid you know??! Here’s how the whole platter looked like….nice kan??

Wah so scary mary you know, I feel like cannibal only; eating uncooked food. I’m not saying that it’s not nice (SOME of it actually taste ok…really…just some though) but it’s the sight of the dish that makes it so daunting. Everything is wet and raw. No signs of it being boiled for at least a while also. You just dip it in soy sauce shove the whole chunk of flesh into your mouth. Classic Resident Evil style. I’m going to put raw meat into my mouth! I know sashimi is a very common dish….but this one lau niang 1st time eating you know, so of course a bit paranoid lah!

The Housemate advised me to start off with the white meat first. Believe me, the only thing I tried on the platter before is Salmon. That’s all. The rest….1st time I see some more got. So I took his word and went for the Scott Fish 1st. My very 1st chunk of sashimi. Scott Fish. I held that white piece of meat firmly with my chopsticks and stared at it for 5 full seconds. Then I shut my eyes, shove it in my mouth and started chewing. Gah!! There’s raw meat in my mouth!! But to my surprise, it wasn’t bad at all. Taste like chicken. Like I mentioned earlier, it was the looks that made it daunting. Scott Fish really tastes ok. At least I dinch gag or vomit.

Next came the Salmon. This one I more confident a bit lah, since I had it before so it wasn’t too bad. Moving on, I tried the tuna next. Now the tuna flesh is blood red in colour (like raw beef you know) and just by squeezing it a little with my chopsticks, I could already tell that it’s the hardest meat compared to salmon and Scott fish. Very solid flesh. This one really made my blood curl a little. My butt hole and nostrils contracted like mad as I went “OMG should I eat this…should I eat this….should I eat this…” What the heck….i just took a bite. And once again, I got fooled by its looks. Didn’t taste too bad actually. Still ok lah. A little chewy…a little wet….VERY red…but it was ok.

But then right, Lau Niang save the best for last lah you know. I tried the fish roe next. They’re fish eggs the size of tahi hidung from both your nostrils rolled into a ball. Gross kan?? Yeah that’s how I felt. The fish roe looked exactly like Nemo’s egg.

“OMG….i’m going to eat Nemo eggs…I’m the ugly bad barracuda!!!”

“Don’t be paranoid ok. Its already dead and you can’t fertilize it anymore….just eat it.”

Ok lor….so i put one into my mouth. So cute…orange ball with red dot in the middle. I imagine it must be orange flavour or at least something sweet. Bad mistake!! On the 1st bite, the roe juice exploded in my mouth; giving me a sudden spasm. I felt like I was drinking swamp water can! My eyeballs tuned white and I couldn’t put my tounge back into my mouth. I didn’t care if I was making a scene but that was N-A-S-T-Y ok!

And finally…..the cream of the crop. SOTONG!!!! All tis while I only eat fried sotong…never raw ones before. This one; not only its raw….they served the tentacles some more. Got the purple round round thing underneath some more ok. So I remind you once again, this sotong is wet, raw, slimy….and purple underneath. And I’m going to eat it. It really took me quite a while to gather my guts to attempt this. I very nearly more chickened out….but I scared wait the chicken chase me. So I kuai kuai eat lor.

The taste?? Really one of a kind I should say. But its definitely not as bad as Nemo. No pungent or funky tastes, but really chewy. REEEEEAAALLY chewy. I gnawed and I gnawed but the stoopid sotong just swim happily around in my mouth; refusing to go down my throat. Ok that didn’t sound right. Took me 5 full minutes to finish chewing and swallow it.

And there you have it. I tried every type of raw meat on the platter and I survived. With 12 gallons of iced green tea that is. Just when I thought the test of faith was over….in came the bill. I took a peek at it and went “WHOA!! That’s a big price tag for a dish that doesn’t even require cooking!” Freaking expensive ok….I kid you not! Only later I was told by The Housemate that everything on the dish is imported. The fishes don’t swim in Malaysian waters so they have to be packaged….and since its served raw, the restaurant has to unsure its freshness….this one just arrived from Japan today! Moreover this is Mont Kiara wor....what you expect...

Big deal.

But of course…that was a truly very interesting dinner.

Road Safety (?)

Inspired by Jasse’s post, I once had a “Touched by An Angel” moment too. Really, how often do we play good Samaritans; doing random acts of kindness in society these days? Now I don’t mean to sound like a tree-hugging hippie here but that’s the sad fact. People are getting too full of themselves these days I think. Oh by the way, I’m wearing my brand new Seed today and my anak ayams say I look faaaabulous. Mak suker!

Back to the topic, I for one am all out for this. But realistically speaking, one doesn’t get such a chance too often. I mean, how often you see needy people in public seeking help kan? But if the situation arises, I will definitely lend a helping hand. Or at least try. Lau niang very kind one you know….you try ask me help you cross the road lah, I sure help one. If you leng cai, I’ll hold you even tighter…lolz!

I remember the last time I was a Good Samaritan. Back then, I was in primary….4. See, my mom’s office is just opposite my school. So everyday, dad would be waiting in her office, I’d cross the road, walk to her office and dad would drive me home. Problem is, my mom’s office and my school is located smack in the middle of town; so that stretch of road is perpetually busy with speeding cars; thus making it a little hard to cross.

So one fine day, I was trying to cross that busy road as usual. Then suddenly this old aunty came by. She was holding an umbrella with lots of plastic bags on the other hand. She said in Mandarin, claiming that she can’t see properly and asked if I could help her cross the street. Naturally I agreed. I actually believed that I was so going to get an A for Moral after that. In the end…I got a C. Stupid teacher…

Anyway, I took a step further by offering to help carry her plastic bags as well. Man was I the most helpful person in the world! I even held her arms gently so I can escort her across the road safely. It was all so perfect. So now the hardest part….crossing the busy road itself.

I looked right.

I looked left.

Looked right again.

So many cars…I couldn’t cross. I stood there for 5 whole minutes holding the aunty’s hand.

I looked right.

Looked left.
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Right again.

10 minutes passed and I’m still on the same side of the street. There were so many cars and I dare not cross at all. Eventually, the aunty got tired of waiting. She folded her umbrella and stretched it out. All the cars stopped and SHE walked me across the street. Instead.

SO MALU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At the other side of the road, I returned all her bags, gave her a blank smile and said bye bye. I felt rather foolish for not being able to help her. But at least I know I did try. So it wasn’t too bad lah.

But oh no….the story isn’t over yet. By some stroke of fate, I met the same aunty on the road again the very next day. There she was holding the umbrella with a hanky folded under her ketiak (armpit). Oooh……I was so determined to make it up this time.

At the perfect moment, where there’s the least car in that split second, I quickly held the aunty’s arms and walked as quickly I as could across the road. And there I was!!!!! Safe and sound across the street! I felt so proud!! I was smiling triumphantly at the aunty and I said “welcome welcome…no need to thank me…its ok, I like to help people…”

What you think happen after that???

The aunty gave me an exasperated look…and she went “Haiyah ah boy….aunty just cross the road you bring me back here for what???!!”

Wah I kena lagi malu that time. It was so funny yet so embarrassing. I’m always so confident…since young even. I apologized profusely to the aunty and offer to help her cross the road again. Her statement? “No need no need….i can cross by myself ah boy…you go home 1st…”

And she raised her umbrella again…..

Phantom Vs. Butch 2

So here's the real coverage. Last weekend, my beloved aunt treated me to an all expense paid trip to watch Phantom of The Opera held in the prestigious Esplanade in Singapore. Of course mak pun happy lah, feeling feeling like win Kit Kat have a break contest grand prize gitu…..

Thank God this Durian isn't smelly....

Inside the Durian...

Anyway, this would be my very 1st trip to the Esplanade. All this while the Singapore Gomen propah propah how grand the place I never had a chance to visit the place also. And this would ALSO be the 1st time (probably the only chance i'll have as well) I’m watching Phantom of The Opera. I never thought I’d ever had a chance like this….so you can imagine all the excitement in me spilling out.



So as soon as I reached the venue, I had a rather good impression of the whole area. It seems like the gomen there really promote visual and performing arts in order to reach out to their society. I had to walk a rather long pathway to reach the hall itself and along the way, I was treated to the most peculiar sight. People were allowed to scribble graffiti and ‘artsy’ pictures on the wall….so yeah there were lots of funny looking paitings drawn to the wall.

Singaporean’s definition of art…

Ok lah...kira special lah....hmm....mak no comment lah...must respect people's culture kan...

Oh and also, there were this huge underground lobby where perasan attention whores can do anything and perform their syok sendiri show there. Then people would just stand there and watch. While I was there I saw people doing BMX stunts and apparently….erm…they have their ghetto societies there also, (I thought only Bangsar got…larrrikk!) siap with the boom box and all. I saw got many Snoop Dawg, Akon, Queen Latifah, Justin Timberlake, 50 cent, 20 cent, mama ghetto….wannabes.

Upon reaching the main venue, I was greeted by this huge ass Phantom banner. It’s all over the place I’m telling you….mak lagi excited lah tuh..!

I watching Phantom...mak glamour!



As soon as I entered the hall, I flipped out my sleek camera and started snapping furiously. Snap here snap there….until tiba-tiba got…

“S’cuse me sir, you are not allowed to snap pictures in the hall…”

“Oh ok…so sorry about that…”

The usher left with a satisfied face. Snapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnap….ahh..kisah apa aku…

The view from my seat.

Then the hall darkened….the overture started, and the chandelier came to life. (To those who have no idea what this scene is like, it’s supposed to be grand giler babs. Go watch the movie k? Then you’ll know what I mean) The magnificent chandelier was slowly raised and lit up and the overture played on…a jaw dropping sight I tell you.

See what I mean?

I was so stunned gawking at the chandelier I dinch even realized my hand was slowly raising when suddenly….

FLASH!!!!!!!!!!

Matilah mak…!!!!!!!! Everyone staring. Mak malu habis tahap cipan tenuk tau!! The whole hall was in pitch black then sudden sudden my camera tak off flash plak….VERY kesial tau! So what some more…I faster faster off the flash lah. And I sat very still of course.

Then the curtain opened…..wah the scene is so elaborate and nice….snap snap snap. Wah Carlotta is singing…snap snap snap. Wah the elephant come out…snap snap snap.

Class, this is what we call *snapping with confidence…

But that flash…ugh…that farking flash!! I know I’m so busted….come intermission time mak dah panic giler dah. I just want to bury myself under the seat. Or peel off someone’s face and stick it on my own (ala-ala Dr. Hannibal Lector)

As I sat very still on my seat, my eyes were checking furiously for unhappy ushers and my heart was beating faster than Mama Diva’s mouth masa tengah maki hamun. Larrriik!! True enough….i saw got this Butch coming my direction. Butch tau!!! The short hair with thick black frames and muscle muscle type one. Bad enough I have a phobia on butches…they must send one after my ass. Terus I kena…

Butch: Scuse me sir, have you been taking pictures during the performance? Can I have a look at your recoding device?

I fished out my camera phone…

Butch: Can I have a look at the picture album?

So I pun open album, scrolled for her. Lucky i saved all my porn pics to laptop already. If not buat malu only; as if not malu enough...anyway I took a few snappies with my cam phone also, so I deleted in front of her to please her lor….

Butch: Do you have any other recording devices?

Me: Err….no.

Butch: Please do not take anymore pictures. We have very strict regulations about photo taking in this hall.

Me: It won’t happen again…

Butch: Have a good evening…

And she moves away. Finally……S-U-C-K-E-R!!!

Nasib my camera is salvaged. The next half of the show was adrenalin pumping. Not because the show very exciting; but because my aunt knew what were the staff capable of. She was whispering to my sister that there might do a body check after the show even. Eeeps!!!!!!!!!

So the second half of the show, mak feeling feeling macam Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. We were busy passing the camera around under the seat…all the way to my uncle’s hand (3 seats away) and he had to hide it in his pants. After the show he had to leave using another exit and meet us somewhere else.

Again my blood was rushing up and down….i turned blue for a minute and purple the next. I was praying to God for the mercy of my dear life. I promised I’ll attend Mass more regularly. I promised I'd stop drooling at guys (for a while lah). And by the grace of God, my life was spared. No body checks. Although i was hoping that a buff cop in uniform would take me to a room and strip search me...

That was fucking scary ok. I kid you not. But after the whole ordeal, it all seemed so funny and I actually laughed at myself even.

So here are the surviving snappies. Go indulge yourself and you better be thanking my ass after this. The things I’d go through for the love of blogging…..

*Do not attempt this on your own. All stunts have been performed by trained confident teacher.