Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Happy Birthday Mom....

Dear Mom,

This post is for you but you can't read it. I'd be dead if you find out about this. But anyway, i just wanna speak my mind here. There are so many things that i wish i could share with you but....well most of the time the situation doesn't permit it.

Its 4 minutes past your birthday as i'm writing this. This is the 1st time that i couldn't be with you on your birthday. And it sucks. I really wish i could spend the whole day celebrating your big day but i'm stuck here at work. However, i'm at least grateful that you came up to look for me last weekend. Its been so long since the whole family did some shopping together. I really missed those moments and last sunday was sheer joy. If only you could stay on longer.

On this very special day of yours, i really wish i could tell you how much i'm grateful for everything that you have given me and for moulding me into what i am today. I am blessed with your virtue of patience and perseverance and with these values, i have managed to grow so much on my own.

In your patient and gentle manner, you managed to raise me up to be someone you're proud of. Well at least i hope you're proud of me.

In your undivided love and compassion, you instill strong family bonds that keeps the whole family strongly united. We may not be the richest compared to other relatives, but I can proudly say that we have the strongest ties within the family.

In your strong faith and prayers, you allowed me to pursue my own dreams despite of my eccentric choice of study and all the protest and doubts from others. In return, i did the best i could and proved that i knew what i was doing. I thank God i didn't let you down in that manner. But above all else, i couldn't have come this far without your unconditional support and faith in me. I can't thank you enough mom.

Lately, life hasn't been too peachy as well. In times like these, I wish i could seek comfort and turn to you like i always did when i was much younger. But now that i'm all grown up, i know that i have to solve things myself and stand on my own feet. I have to rise above it on my own.....but deep down, i constantly hoped that you could be there for me.

Early this year, i just stepped out of a beautiful 3 year long relationship. I wish i could tell you in person how beautiful it was and now......i wish i could hug you tight coz it hurts so much sometimes. But i'll break your heart into a million pieces if you knew this forbidden side of me. And that's why i rather endure the pain alone. I couldn't possibly break your heart.

He was the best thing that happened to me. I felt what true love was and i experienced the joy of being in love. But unfortunately, it came to an end. Sometimes, i'd even loose all my strength to endure another day of walking alone. I lived in constant pain and loneliness although i smiled and joked in your presence. I kept on wondering if i'll be experience that happiness again. And i'm so full of doubts and fear. I tried so hard to pick myself up but its just so trying sometimes.

I wish i can cry out to you and seek your comfort. I really do. But this is one path that i have to walk alone....and i have to keep on walking until i reach the end. When i will find true love again. Very oftenly, i always envy you. Daddy is such a great husband and you never have to endure another break up. You get to raise children and grow old playing with grandkids (from your daughters of course) in the future.

That would never happen to me.

As scary as it may sound, i have to accept what i am. I wasn't given a choice and i had to deal with it. For life. Eeeps. I don't expect you to be able to accept this but i know you will love me no matter what I am. I have never doubted your love for me.

And the reason why i'm still moving on today is because of your constant attention and love. Being in your very presence somewhat gave me a sense of serenity within inside. With you around, i knew i was at home. No one would hurt me here. And that felt good.

I sent an sms to you this morning wishing you happy birthday. And for the 1st time in my life, i gathered enough courage to say the 3 greatest word God ever made. I said "I LOVE YOU" for the first time in my 24 years of being with you.

And your reply came in a split second. Your exact words read "you bright up my day baby...Its raining over here but i feel so warm. Thank you for being my wonderful boy. Love you lots....big hug...."

Those very words of yours were the greatest comfort to me. I took some time to reflect on your moving but brief message and suddenly all the pain and fears within me vanished in an instant. I had a really pleasant day today thanks to your sms and i've never felt such a relief for a long time. That was how powerful your words were.

So in the true nature of how powerful words can be, I will say these words to you once again.

I love you mommy......happy birthday.

~written in a single teardrop~

22 comments:

Fable Frog said...

oh~ a BIG happy birthday wish to bibik's mom~!!! i can imagine mommy to be a cool mom to have made such a funny bibik~

Life Cafez said...

I am so touch by your post, you are indeed a filial son. It's such a bless your mum have you such a nice son (or daughter,opps) and it's really a God blessing which we have our parents infinite love. I always make my mum happy and proud and loves her because I know how tough the process of growing me up.

Look forward for life and don't stepping on the same spot. You will find another part of beautiful relationship in the future, you can never know when it comes but when it reaches your heart, you will enjoy the most!

I wish you good luck and hope your mum happy birthday too, hope she is blessed and healthy, happy always!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful & touching...

Happy B'day Aunt!

'Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride' - Gary Allan

Cheers :)

Jonzz said...

That's a very honest and touching post.

It certainly would be perfect if we can share everything we have with our loved ones but more often than not, everyone has their secrets.

But that doesn't stop us from showing our love to them and tell them how much they mean in our lives because in the end, that is the most important thing, right?

Well, Happy Birthday to your mum. Don't fret, you can always have a belated birthday celebration with your mum. I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture.

rainbow angeles said...

*bawls*
Terharu gilerrrrrr!

But really, I'm truly touched by your words, bibik. Here's wishing that you'll stay strong no matter what... happy hari jadi, mak bibik...

*salampelukcium*

savante said...

Sweetie, come let me give you a hug.

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post. I can almost feel and understand the pain and trauma you lightly glossed over, Sounds to me you need best wishes and hugs more than your mum :)

Hugs and best wishes from Bengbeng

Emma said...

What can I say..?
That post is simply touching and sweet.. =)

Ganymede said...

Awwwwww. So sweet of you!

*hugs

You make your mama proud with this letter.

Unknown said...

alice,

Happy Belated Birthday! You are a great mom, and a great cook too!!! ;)

and you have a great son, one of the bestest friends i have known. You must be very proud of him, and I just want to let you know of how proud I am of him too. He's the strongest, most matured person i know. I am thankful that I can count myself as one of his friends.

and thank you for that weekend when I was included as one of your family...it made me feel like home.

::airswift:: said...

yeah, auntie alice is a very good cook!!

and your post is so beautiful, i am crying inside the cybercafe can?

sob~

Lau Niang said...

Froggy: Ha a ha.....i shall pass your message to her. If she ask who is katak i her show your gambar bra okeh...lolz!!

life cafez: Yes, i'm very very attached to my mother and i still am. She means a whole bunch to me.

And thanks for your best wishes too. Don't worry, however gloomy the day is, Bibik Nyonya will still be out to kick ass!

jl: Very well said, makes perfect sense. :)

jonzz: oh we had a pre celebration already in fact. But still...actual day most important mah. Then again, i think i'm gonna throw in another post celebration. Ha ha ha!

angel: ha ha ha....thanks for your well wishes. I'm coping well don't worry. "One awful day at a time..." as jodie foster mentioned in Anna and the King. :)

savante: aww that's really sweet of you. Tq tq....sometimes i wish there pills i could take for this though...

bengbeng: I wrote this post at the spur of the moment. I didn't even plan it. Didn't think it would make me seem so vulnerable...guess i just can't hide it sometimes. Thank you for your support. :)

i.m.a.h.n : Glad you enjoyed reading it pal. Welcome aboard!

QR: Shhhh!!!! Mommy CANNOT know of this okeh....wah if she find out i die man. Ha ha ha!

Lyana: I'm sure mommy will say welcome :)

daniel henry said...

=)

Pluboy2 said...

if only.... sighs..

Anonymous said...

Wah! Wanna make us all cry is it? Hehehe... anyway, Here's wishing your mom HEALTHY ALWAYS!!!

Happy Belated Birthday Aunty!!!

Vernon Kedit said...

You just made me cry.

Lau Niang said...

danielhenry: Thanks for dropping by and the erm....smile. Here's one for you :)

pluboy: err.....if only what arh??

calvin: Yes, thank God mommy is in the pink of healthy and i'm sure she'll be very happy seeing so many girls wishing her happy birthday here. lolz!!

Mr. manager: That was a very vulnerable moment for me too. I was welling up a little myself as i wrote every sentence...not knowing what would turn up next...

Lau Niang said...

airswift: oppss....terlupa reply. Awww....you did not. Jangan lah jadi pongis kat CC. Big girls dont cry....kena ikut nasihat Mama Fergy!

travelphilippines said...

i so love your letter to your mom..." Happy Birthday" to your mom.

Chen said...

very touching post.
Happy Belated Birthday to your beloved mommy :)

King's wife said...

Aiyoo...I'm reaching for the tissues lah.
You have expressed yourself well, and I truly wish you all the best.
And A Happy Belated Birthday to your mum!!

Lau Niang said...

travelphillipines: Hey glad you like the post and thanks fordropping by pal!

chen: I'm sure mom will be so happy if she knew there's so many people here whishing hor. Heh heh!

jing's wife: Aiyor....you also reaching for tissue? So drama meh...ha ha ha! Thanks for your best wishes by the way. I'm really taking 1 day at a time and so far everything is all under control. Nothing to worry :)