Happy Birthday Mom....

Dear Mom,

This post is for you but you can't read it. I'd be dead if you find out about this. But anyway, i just wanna speak my mind here. There are so many things that i wish i could share with you but....well most of the time the situation doesn't permit it.

Its 4 minutes past your birthday as i'm writing this. This is the 1st time that i couldn't be with you on your birthday. And it sucks. I really wish i could spend the whole day celebrating your big day but i'm stuck here at work. However, i'm at least grateful that you came up to look for me last weekend. Its been so long since the whole family did some shopping together. I really missed those moments and last sunday was sheer joy. If only you could stay on longer.

On this very special day of yours, i really wish i could tell you how much i'm grateful for everything that you have given me and for moulding me into what i am today. I am blessed with your virtue of patience and perseverance and with these values, i have managed to grow so much on my own.

In your patient and gentle manner, you managed to raise me up to be someone you're proud of. Well at least i hope you're proud of me.

In your undivided love and compassion, you instill strong family bonds that keeps the whole family strongly united. We may not be the richest compared to other relatives, but I can proudly say that we have the strongest ties within the family.

In your strong faith and prayers, you allowed me to pursue my own dreams despite of my eccentric choice of study and all the protest and doubts from others. In return, i did the best i could and proved that i knew what i was doing. I thank God i didn't let you down in that manner. But above all else, i couldn't have come this far without your unconditional support and faith in me. I can't thank you enough mom.

Lately, life hasn't been too peachy as well. In times like these, I wish i could seek comfort and turn to you like i always did when i was much younger. But now that i'm all grown up, i know that i have to solve things myself and stand on my own feet. I have to rise above it on my own.....but deep down, i constantly hoped that you could be there for me.

Early this year, i just stepped out of a beautiful 3 year long relationship. I wish i could tell you in person how beautiful it was and now......i wish i could hug you tight coz it hurts so much sometimes. But i'll break your heart into a million pieces if you knew this forbidden side of me. And that's why i rather endure the pain alone. I couldn't possibly break your heart.

He was the best thing that happened to me. I felt what true love was and i experienced the joy of being in love. But unfortunately, it came to an end. Sometimes, i'd even loose all my strength to endure another day of walking alone. I lived in constant pain and loneliness although i smiled and joked in your presence. I kept on wondering if i'll be experience that happiness again. And i'm so full of doubts and fear. I tried so hard to pick myself up but its just so trying sometimes.

I wish i can cry out to you and seek your comfort. I really do. But this is one path that i have to walk alone....and i have to keep on walking until i reach the end. When i will find true love again. Very oftenly, i always envy you. Daddy is such a great husband and you never have to endure another break up. You get to raise children and grow old playing with grandkids (from your daughters of course) in the future.

That would never happen to me.

As scary as it may sound, i have to accept what i am. I wasn't given a choice and i had to deal with it. For life. Eeeps. I don't expect you to be able to accept this but i know you will love me no matter what I am. I have never doubted your love for me.

And the reason why i'm still moving on today is because of your constant attention and love. Being in your very presence somewhat gave me a sense of serenity within inside. With you around, i knew i was at home. No one would hurt me here. And that felt good.

I sent an sms to you this morning wishing you happy birthday. And for the 1st time in my life, i gathered enough courage to say the 3 greatest word God ever made. I said "I LOVE YOU" for the first time in my 24 years of being with you.

And your reply came in a split second. Your exact words read "you bright up my day baby...Its raining over here but i feel so warm. Thank you for being my wonderful boy. Love you lots....big hug...."

Those very words of yours were the greatest comfort to me. I took some time to reflect on your moving but brief message and suddenly all the pain and fears within me vanished in an instant. I had a really pleasant day today thanks to your sms and i've never felt such a relief for a long time. That was how powerful your words were.

So in the true nature of how powerful words can be, I will say these words to you once again.

I love you mommy......happy birthday.

~written in a single teardrop~