Keysah Lau Niang Membuat Extreme Makeover

Perky is so gonna fry me for stealing her thunder but.....chak chak chak chak.....ada aku keyssahh???

So storynyer like this....about like a month ago....Perky berangan nak baby baru macham Angelina Jolie. After having 2 cats with eating disorder (seriously, perky's cats needs lyposuction and believe me, its not for beauty purpose...larrriiik) Perky berangan wanna have a dog this time plak.



Knowing that my dad has good contacts in dealing with canine pets, she pon assigned me to find a puppy.

One that doesn't hate her. Opps.

One that isn't taller than her. Opps.

One that won't bark at her at sight.Opps.

One that won't piss on her. Opps.

Then came the brainstorming and consultation session. Big question of what is the right breed to get with the right budget.



Finally...my dad found 4 newborn toy poodles. Lau niang ma go and check stock 1st lor. See see the dog come one like....







Toing!!! Aiyo....acelly the dog look ok one but dunno why look so huru hara in picture. I know perky would like her but.....aihhh......how to convince her with such a horrorful pic? Mata kuyu, bulu nipis, expression blank, rambut tak perm.....Look like anjing cinderella yang kotor dan busuk dipungut dari parit lor.



When Perky 1st saw the pic....terus kena label world's most unphotogenic dog. Haah...amek kau. But i keep telling her the dog looks better in real...hoping that she will buy my story.



My dad redeemed the dog about a week before perky came to collect it. And after good food and good bath and good camera, akhirnya poodle menjadi siap.








JANG!!! Muka berjaya dengan suksesnya. It was love at 1st sight when everyone saw Sasha for the 1st time. Yep that's her name. Sasha. Thankfully, poodles are very sociable by nature so there are no strangers to Sasha. She would just jump and prance around ANYBODY. Heck, even my 3 year old cousin tried to dognap her. He wrestled his own mother and cried in a failed attempt to run away with Sasha. Ha ha ha ha! Definitely Perky's kind of dog.

Here's more shots of Sasha after undergoing my Modelling 101's intensive class....











Is it just me or does Sasha reminds you of Susan Boyle??

Keysah Lau Niang Menjadi Porcupine

For the past week, i have been suffering under what i call THE worst neckache i've EVER had in my life. You know those neck aches you get when you slept on the wrong position on bed then you wake up not being able to look up, left or right? Yeah...

It lasted almost a whole fucking week.

I tried twisting my neck towards the painful side with force hoping that it will 'pop' only to cause more pain.

I tried those Salonpas medicated plasters. Did not help at all.

I tried sleeping on 3 pillows. Did not sleep at all.

It wasn't until i went back to my hometown complaining to Lau lau niang...lau niang's Ah Bu lah. Its amazing how she can listen to my constant new complains every week when i go back. She immidiately took me to a chinese doctor. I was in so much pain i'd try anything. Heck i'm even willing to go to a vodoo shaman let alone a chinese doctor.

The doctor squeezed my neck a little and he immediately knew that i left the pain for a few days at least. He was so right. By the time i got there, my shoulders were already stiff from the swelling. I also had the chance to ask the doctor who or what was the culprit behind my neck ache from hell. And he said either i

a) carried heavy things and dislocated my shoulder (no way this delicate oriental flower is carrying anything heavy so...fail)

or

b) sit in front of the computer too long (DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)

Lau niang is guilty of surfing porn doing masters dissertation like orang gila over the weekends. Maklumlah ada hati nak jadi successful career woman lau niang pun type thesis non stop. Like from 8pm till 5am non stop okeh. Serious shit. I wish it was sex instead. I guess that must have been it.

It was so bad until the doctor said i needed to do accupuncture and a massage.

You know what is accupuncture???

Ok ok ok i'm being a drama queen. But its quite similiar i tell you. Seriously, i did not see an accupuncture coming at all. I was expecting some cream or pills perhaps. But accupuncture?! At 1st impression, i was kinda weirded out, scared but yet excited. It'll be like....getting a new tattoo. Heh heh.

Being the huge sick fan of pain that i am, the accupuncture was of course....very very bearable. On a scale of 1 to 10 of pain...i'd give it a 1.5. But i was poked at some of the weirdest spots. I had like over 20 needles all over my shoulder, neck and...head. I had fucking needles on my head. Its freaking weird.

Then i was left (with the needles on) to bake under a heating lamp for half an hour. Like an iguana. It was the most boring half hour of my life. I din have my phone around to play with and i was scared to sleep. What if i tidur mati, and i started tossing and turning until the needles get buried INSIDE my neck and *gasp* HEAD?? No way in gay hell i'm going to be a permanent porcupine okeh.

Finally the nurse came and remove all my needlees. I thought the worst was over.

Just after that, came along a blind massuer who started squeezing my neck. This is not those sleazy body to body kinky massage okeh. This is massage package neraka. The massuer had insanely strong hands and he was squeezing and wringling and kneading and punching my shoulders and neck in the most unimaginable ways. And i never knew such level of pain existed. At some point, i thought he tried to dismember my arms from my shoulders. With his bare hands. This is no where near the pain of accupuncture. OR tattooing. Yes its more painful that 8 hours of tattooing. I wish i was dead instead.

By the time the session ended, my entire back is so sore so much so i''m distracted by the pain on my neck. Which is still there by the way.

But at least i can turn my neck and the pain somewhat subsided many many hours later. So here i am on a monday night, still in pain, typing my blog and getting ready for work tomolo. Lets just hope i won't look like a hunchback Quasimodo tomolo....

Keysah Lau Niang Become Ibu Mithali

Last weekend, lau niang got an ACTUAL TASTE of what is it like to be a parent. See my aunt dumped dropped my little cousins at my place over the weekend because she's had it they're on a their school holidays. So i have to babysit them for the day.

Being the uptight ambitious perfectionist i am, i was all hyped up to make sure they have a real fun day. I planned my itenaries in detail. Its fun packed, its energetic, its foolproof. The kids are so gonna love me after this. *Evil grin* Pick the kids up at 10am, off to the butterfly park, lunch at Mc Donalds, off to the Zoo and another park.

I was so confident.

But we all know what is akibat confident. The kids were so hyper. God knows where they get their energy from. By the end of the day i can barely walk or talk. Fell flat on the couch the minute i reach home. You'll see why.

With the assistance of my younger sis, we were all set for the day. 10 am...off to the butterfly farm.

15 minutes upon entry...

*Innocent butterfly lands on cousin's arm*

Cousin: Kor kor...i very scared. Can we go home now?

*

Me: What?! We only came in here for 15 minutes. Don't you like the butterfly? You told me you liked butterflies.

*

Cousin: No i don't like them now. Can we go home?

*

Me: *grumble grumble* ok...we follow this way. This is the way home. *grumble grumble*

*

We walked on until we had to cross is stupid cave. They cuba cuba cute try to make exciting like got cave konon konon lah.

*

Cousin: Kor kor i very scared. I don't want to enter.

*

Me: There's no butterflies in there. I promise.

*

Cousin: I saw something in the water.

*

Me: Those are tadpoles.....

*

Cousin: I scared of tadpoles....can you carry me?

*

Glares at sis..... "You settle!" *runs off....*

*
12pm....moving to cultural park.

*

Kids enter kampung house and starts enacting Star Wars fighting scene with empty bottles as light sabres....

*

Me: Oiii.....cannot fight in the house!! Come come we take pictures... (Cuba distract kids)

Me: Oii....don't play with the props! Wait uncle catch you...cannot touch..put down!!

*

Leaves kampung house and continue walking on. Cousin spots a giant mushroom.

Cousin: Kor kor is that mushroom real?

*

Me: Of course not.

*

Cousin: Can i eat it? I love mushroom burger.

*

Me: The mushroom is taller than you. The mushroom will eat you instead.

*

Cousin: .............( he must be thinking what kind of siau relative he has. Ada aku keysah? NAN ADO.)

1.30pm Lunch at MacDonald.

*

Me: Ok...what do you want to eat?

*

Random screams: I WANT CHICKEN! I WANT RIBENA! I WANT MAC WINGS!

*

Me: Here no Mac Wings lah. *grumble grumble -matilah mak bankrupt- grumble grumble*

Cousin: * Serangan muka cute* Can i have the toy?

*

Me: Err....we're going to the zoo after this. How can you go zoo and carry toys? Wait the monkeys snatch your toy how? We buy later ok? Eat nugget eat nugget. (Sebenarnya kedekooot)

*

2.30pm to the zoo...

10 minutes upon entry...

*

Me: Oiii....cannot throw rubbish at the animals!!

*

Sis: Eh don't bang the cage like that!!

*

Me: Stop making faces at the animal...wait they get angry and eat you up!!

*

Sis: Two of you stop running!! Cannot go so far...!!

*

I dinch notice how many people were staring at us shrieking at the kids. 30 seconds later....

*

Me: Oiii....i said cannot throw rubbish at the animal lor!!

*

Cousin: I never i never. I throw stick only.

*

Somebody kill me already. Pleeaaseee!!!

*

We walked on until the kids saw some ponies.

*

Cousin: *Serangan muka cute kali kedua* Can i ride the pony?

*

Me: Cannot.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Me: Sigh.................

Never in my whole life had i imagined i have to pay for a kid's pony ride. Not just A kid.

TWO kids. Good thing the eldest one thinks pony rides are dumb. I have never been so agreeeable before.....

*

As difficult as it was to keep up with them...i guess the silly grins on the kid's faces made all the money (Rm2 for a 30 second round the tiny ranch pony ride. Really bluff small kids lor!) and rides worth it. Sit horse also so happy. I really don't get it. Not say sit on Ken Watanabe or Hugh Jackman also.

The pony however, weren't too excited to have my beruk-kena-belacan cousins on his back.

*sob sob* Apalah nasib mak...terpaksa ditunggang oleh budak setans. Dahlah upah ciput Rm2 pun kena rampas dengan abang horse....*sob sob*

Then we saw deers. Ever noticed how ugly deers are??

They look like anorexic cows. No offense to all Bambi fans out there.

15 minutes later....

Cousin: *Serangan muka cute kali ke3* Kor kor i'm tired. Can i have a piggy back ride?

*

Me: Oh no you don't. You're not coming anywhere near my camera kid...

*

Glares at sis.. "You settle!" Runs off to pretend snapping pictures of rocks.

Sis: *Grumble grumble* I'm so going to tell mom to disown you after this *Grumble grumble*

*

Then they we piggy backed the kids to the bird...area. Department. Whatever.

Me: Please tell me those gates have locks. Can we just lock them with the storks and drive off?

*

Sis: You wish..!

*

After over 2 hours of rounding in the zoo, we finally came reach the exit. Unfortunately, cousins spotted a playground. Arrrrghhhhh!!!

*

Sis: Ok....we're leaving in 10 minutes time.

*

Cousin: No no no.....1 hour more.

*

I can drop dead in the middle of the playground already okeh. By the end of the day both me and my sis were too tired to even complain or talk to each other.

*

So any readers out there who wishes to raise kids.....think THRICE. This WILL be your routine weekend.

*

Paying for pony rides.

*

Screaming at kids in public.

*

Buying lunch enough for 3 starving families in Ethiopia only to have kids eat half of the portion.

*

Piggy back rides thak kills your shoulders.

*

Screaming and jumping in the car.

*

Sitting lifelessly at playgrounds while waiting for kids to be done.

SO....who's up for a fun fun fun day with the kids? HMMM????

*

PS: My little niece just cried coz she got frightened by her own fart. How cute.

Keysah Lau Niang kini bergelar Lau Aunty

Last weekend was a super drama weekend. 25th may marked the arrival of lau niang's very 1st niece lei....! Lau niang become lau aunty jor! My new niece came a week earlier than expected thus causing a little panic in the family...everyone wasn't expecting the baby until the following week mah. But here she is...a week earlier.






This is a shot of her right after labour. As you can see, she is disturbingly fat but healthy. Not even at 9 full months, baby is oledi 3.5 kilo yer. About the size of Pamela Anderson's right boob i think. The poor girl is wet, naked and exposed to the FREEZING temperature of the OR. Seriously i didn't know an OR is THAT cold. You can freeze meat inside lor. Tapi ada aku keysah? Cold or not tetap i stop the doctor so that lau niang can photoshoot ah niece 1st okeh. 1st meet is very signigicant must take picture one okeh!






Right after ah niece got cleaned up, she fell fast asleep. Thankfully she's quite a peaceful baby. She's never cried in front of lau niang before. Smart of her....mak dah siap bawak rotan to hospital in case she cry for no reason, lau niang will rembat okeh...but she's rather mischevious. See she sleep also nak main bubble. Hish!






On the next day, ah niece started feeding oledi. My sis tried feeding her nen nen but gagal dengan dahsyat. Not because my sister got no nen nen but Ah niece still dunno what is nen nen and why does it keep rubbing against her tiny face. So the nurse fed her instead. Using bottle not her own nen nen i hope. Very disturbing thought. I dunno why is Ah Niece is frowning after feeding here. I think maybe the nurse fed her Susu Pisang HL. Remember the horror??


Anyways, we are all very happy and we can't wait to bring Ah Niece back home. So much to be done. Must teach her how to catwalk in heels lah, must teach her to speak Prada lah, must teach her how to do high fashion pose lah.....wah lau niang is damn busy okeh!


Oh and about the tattoo on my tummy, thank god the mark is all gone oledi. Berkat all your laser and prayers ( sapa laser sapa doa tau tau sendiri okeh, we don't point fingers...tunggu saja tuhan menunjukkan kuasa) my mark also heal jor.






See.....my tummy back to normal original condition again. Nice nice again no more zebra jor. :D

Keysah Lau Niang Mendapat Tattoo Baru

Dear Readers,

Today lau niang did a new tattoo. Sebab tak nak kalah to Dan Henry. Memang vicious hasad dengki kan.

But lau niang TERRRRbuat the tattoo. Dinch realize. Accidentally.

How did it happen????

Let's rewind the day back to a few hours earlier. 4.30 PM. T'was a bright sunny evening. Weather is marvelous for a dip in the pool. So that's what i did lor. Lau Niang terus pakai my 2 piece bikini and sasha fierced to the pool for a nice dip and tanning session.

The weather was just so so nice. I lied on my back and my right arms and legs were paddling lightly in the pool. I could feel the warm heat of the sun on my back. The heat was so pampering, subtle and not the scorching type. It was just the kind of winding off i needed badly from a long day's work. I started drifting into my own mind just being there enjoying the cooling waters and warm sunny evening and zzzzzzzzzz..................

Yes i fucking fell asleep. Beside the pool. Like a sea lion.

Tup tup tup i woke up and saw my watch its already past 6pm. I LITERALLY slept like AN HOUR AND A HALF by the pool! Without changing side! I was still in the exact same position when i woke up and guess what happen?



This picture was taken at 8pm. Over 4 hours later. And the marks are still there! What if i am permanently scarred?!? Matilah i have to die as janda nyonya tua zebra. How to kahwin Ken Watanabe like that....apom pun kena off light so sad you know. Doctor Crab also tak hadap.

Worst thing is i dunno if anyone was there while i was asleep. What would they think....what will you think in your mind if you see someone snoring by the pool? I so scared got auntie auntie passing by the pool and they start whispering about lau niang.

" Aiyer so kesian this boy....nude and homeless....have to sleep in swimming pool. Ah boy you dont go near him wait you also will become like him. You want to be homeless and sleep at swimming pools mou? If not then better study hard hard...."

Like seriously. Have you ever met a greater idiot. Only lau niang is capable of such things. Not that its something to be proud of.

Sapa nak sponsor SKII scar removal whitening cream with pitera that causes Sammi Cheng to go "Poink Poink" (on her face, not henjot atas katil, please dun be so hamsap) to lau niang?

Merk Depression......!!!!!

Keysah Lau Niang dapat manyak presents

Lau Niang so so terharu today. Got my friend gimme very voge da vass present you know! Today got one of my friend gave me a bottle of perfume that i've been drooling over but can never afford to buy myself.

Its none other than:



Haaa......kelass tak. And please hor....is not sample bottle okeh. Its the 1.5 litre one hor. Ok lah maybe not 1.5L but its the biggest size okeh. I know its only a perfume. Not a big deal but this really means something to me lor.


You see, this is actually my very 1st bottle of perfume. I never use scents before all along. Hah...rahsia terbongkar. I have some personal reasons though. First off, i can never distinguish the scent of all the so many available perfumes in the market. I know there should be a difference but i just didn't bother to test test the smell.


Why i takda keysah? Pasal mak tak mampu. Very kesian case but that is the truth. 1 bottle of perfume costs hundreds and with that money i can feed 5 somalian families. Ok maybe i'm not Mother Theresa but still, i can use that amount of money for something more important or productive lor. That's what i always thought; that's why until now tak pernah pernah beli perfume.


So how did lau niang came to like armani's code black?


Let's rewind all the way back to last Valentine's Day. That day hor, a friend from singapore visited me. We went shopping and he treated me to a posh japanese dinner and even bought 4 pairs of private structures for me.





Please jangan dengki i have generous friends and you don't okeh. After we shopped for my panties, he took me to the perfume department coz he wanted to buy a perfume for his bf. Lau Niang ma follow lor. So i was just loitering about until i was suddenly drawn to the Armani counter. Bukan pasal perfume wangi. Pasal the counter got giant poster of abang topless yang sweaty. Tup tup tup the promoter gave me a strip of paper to smell. Lau niang ma smell lor.


I didn't know what brand was the scent but it really intruiged me. Smelled kinda fruity and musty....i actually liked it. I asked about the brand and found out its an Armani Code and only to discover that it costs like RM180 for the small bottle. Wah lau!


My generous friend actually wanted to buy for me already but i too segan lor...coz he alrady spent like how many hundred on dinner and my panties. So i went home full of panties but perfumeless that day. Kinda cursed myself for being so stupid to reject such an offer. But i tak sampai hati to spend my friend's money like that mah.....


And because Lau Niang is maha pengasih and penyanyang yang disayangi oleh tuhan and everyone, god also bless lau niang....chun chun this friend of mine present me the very same brand that i've been lusting over for so long.


VERY TERHARU OKEH.....!!


Is box set some more lei...inside got perfume size nala plus deodorant of the same scent. My ketiak will wangi for the next whole year. Ha ha ha ha! Oh and inside the box got free sample also. The name Gio de Acqua....very refreshing smell also....lau niang suka.


Who wanna present me Gio de Acqua??


Hint yang sangat tak malu.

Keysah Orang Hina Denial

Have you ever come across individuals who just has this OBSSESSED NEED to be better and above than everyone else? Simply put, i am talking about people with "kiasu" attitude. Popularly coined by Singaporean culture, this terminology simply refers to individuals who are extremely competitive and always makes a point that if someone has something, you must have it too. A bigger and better one.



Even if it means MAKING UP STORIES.



"You got house in US i got mansion in Canada. "



"You just earned your 1st million, I'm already a MULTI millionaire. "



"You got 100 for all subject, i also got 100 AND i'm president of my club and uniform unit."



Shits like that you know? I am sure everyone must know AT LEAST 1 person of such behaviour. This is not a personal attack against anyone in particular let me make clear first. Its just that i've been bogged by so many of such similar people for the past month it actually makes me wonder.



I've come across such people at work, in my social circle of friends, and yes....even relatives. It literally saddens me to see people living in such denial.

Why try so hard to be someone you're OBVIOUSLY NOT in a pathetic desperate attempt to impress others? End up smearing shit in your own face making yourself look even more ridiculous than you already are.

Why must one INSIST to be smarter or richer or more successful then the rest? Ultimately, there'll always be someone richer or smarter out there. Kau lawan kaya with Oprah Winfrey or Bill Gates lah if you really that rich.

Can't these people just come clean and simply admit that they are just as 'regular' as the rest and not boast about your non-existent inheritence or paper qualifications? If kena kantoi you don't own any of those at the end of the day kan lebih malu? Nobody will look down on you if you are not rich or whatever lah please.

The other thing i noticed about such people is that they are VERY CLEVER in dodging and making excuses if you ask any further about their assets. Lau Niang give you one classic example okeh:

Kiasu: I got house in Gold Coast you know....

Friend: Wah so nice...when you wanna show us your place?

Kiasu: Oh cannot coz i rented the house out...got people staying there.

TYPICAL.

This is what i mean lor. They will tell you they own a whole continent or they have 20 million dollars but somehow or rather you will NEVER get a glimpse of it.

And when you finally manage to cross check and compare facts only to discover that whatever that person is boasting about is all nothing but a fat-ass hoax...senang they cover.

"Oh you must have heard wrongly.....i never said that."